I.V.Effed: No Sex, No Lies, and No Videotape

I could kiss my acupuncturist.  I usually get blood draws on day 2, so I was afraid that today, day three, it would be a bit higher than I’d like to hear it at…but I am quite happy.  Also, I asked Dr Dubs about my antral follicle count, and it seems it was about 14 or so.  He then flipped back to my (many) previous pre-bcp baselines, and they were all at 7 or 8.  So this is definitely good good news.  Now, of course, I am going to have to get through the next 12 days of pills and then wait til the baseline on the 25th (thanksgiving eve) and see if the number is still low.  Will all those antral follicles hang out til then?  Is that the point of the pill?  Or do they die off and new ones come up?  Forgot to ask about that part. Anyone know? 

Also I did get a few answers as far as Where We Go If the Next Number Is Higher:  if it is below 15, it is game on, and happily so.  If it is between 15 and 20, it is game on, but iffily so.  If it is 20 or over, no dice.  However, it seems it IS possible to do a stim cycle, retrieve and fertilize whatever comes from it, and if the embryos don’t look great or whathaveyou, we could thaw the frozen ones, and then look at them all together and put back the ones that look the best.

So to all of you who have been following my tale and rooting for me…please keep the good vibes coming.  I need them so desperately right now–bad news on thanksgiving eve will mean a veeeery challenging Thanksgiving day on many levels, so let’s keep praying.  Please. Pretty, pretty please.

3 Comments | In: November 09 | | #

So it’s day one.  I made the appt with RE for Wednesday morning.  Which means Wed afternoon will be an interesting post–will I be happy about the FSH results?  Or what…?  Of course, I guess if it is still on the higher side, I have the couple of weeks on the pill to hope (and worry) about what happens to the number then.  This is it.  This is the last Take of ’09.  No pressure…right? (some irony AGAIN…last time I had a baseline and then found out the cycle was cancelled bc of FSH, SIL #1 saw baby’s heartbeat that same day.  This time, SIL #2 will be seeing her own baby’s heartbeat on Wednesday.  Will my own history repeat itself, as it likes to do?  Damn… But I will try to keep my mind positive!  As well as try not to puke on myself when I see the RE’s number on my phone Wed afternoon…)

I was thinking though–suppose I pushed Dr Dubs to stim me even if my numbers are higher than he’d like (this is all assuming they are not HIGHER than last time…in that case, I am sure we are doomed), and even if we don’t get a hell of a lot of eggs, could we do it anyway?  Could we do it with three?  And is it possible, if after a stim cycle the eggs aren’t that awesome…can it be converted immediately to an FET?  Or could we thaw-and-then-add the survivors to the mix? Can thawed ones exist in the utes with fresh ones?  We still have three in the freezer from January…a day five and 2 day sixes (recalling of course that a day six is actually in worse shape than a day five, as it took one extra day to get to the stage of “day five.”  Oh.  And why do people assume “embryo=life?”  If so, I should be living Mich.elle Dug.gar’s life right now.  Seriously.  OK. Digression over.)  Has this been done?  Can this be done? 

Gah.  I’m already so weary of thinking about all of this for so many years.  I honestly believe it has aged me–physically and emotionally.  Almost four years of knowing dates, guessing dates, imagining outcomes, gearing up for IVF cycles, cooling down after failures… now, I’m feeling the weight of it all.  Here’s hoping that things look/read well on Wednesday, and one of the 50 hurdles of this possible cycle is behind me…I mean, isn’t everyone tired of opening my posts the day after bloodwork comes back and finding more disappointment?  I am!  So here’s to the Golden Cycle.  The Last Hurrah.  Something ART-y Shall Be Done.  The Final Shoot-up of ’09.  The Last Cycle I’ll Ever Need to Do Because it Will Work!  (If you say it, it will come…)  My favorite childhood book was The Little Engine that Could.  So here goes: I think I can I think I can I think I can….

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Last night, in discussion with my acu/holistichealer/whathaveyou, I was saying how I don’t have all that much hope right now, based solely on the fact that I don’t want to get hurt next week (I’m sure my perspective will change by next week, just in time for me to get slammed with news).  Maybe I am trying to under-psyche myself, so that if I expect bad news, but good news happens, then I can be happy. But if I hope for the best, I’m going to get smooshed again.  If you have ever had cancelled/failed IVFs/FETs, you know what it is like, trying to prepare for the next one.  I yearn to be the eternal optimist, but I don’t know if any She Who Has Tried and Failed Time and Time Again can ever really be that person.  I think that infertility, while clearly encompassing a wide group, is divided into many non-equal subgroups.  You’ve got the clomids, the IUIs, the first-time-was-the-charm IVF people.  You’ve got the no losses, the losses, the multiple losses.  The surgeries, the multiples surgeries, the constant-repeat-surgeries…the distinctions go on and on.  It is not okay with me if someone who was able to get pregnant on any place along the ”easier side of infertility” spectrum likens their experiences to my own or pretends we are the same.  Even I have the sense to know there are a crapload of people out there who have experienced more hurt and pain and sadness than I ever have, and I would never ever see our situations as the same.  (ok.  I wrote about this back in august.  about how we all only know our own pain, and that is truly the worst because it is the worst we know ourselves.  I still do believe this).  But.  I don’t believe that all infertility was created equal.  And after reading so many blogs of women slammed in the head with the Crap Stick, I can’t help but get angrier at the whole situation.  The stories I have become caught up in are sometimes more heartbreaking than my own, and I think mine is pretty damn rough (naysayers will say that because I have one already, it is not so rough.  I say, I believe you are mistaken.)

The point that all of this brings me to is this: I’m not the worst infertility story I know of.  I am the worst infertility story I know of in my real-life-extended-circle-of- family-and-friends-both-near-and-far-facebook-included, but I am not the worst story I know.  (here we return back to the start of the entry…) Last night acu/holistichealer/whathaveyou told me of two women–one who did IVF 23 times, and got pregnant (for keeps) on the 23rd, and another who did IVF 16 times, got pregnant but miscarried, and is now gearing up to go again.  My head spun at the thought of that (let alone the bancruptcy that would ensue)!  There are two stories to rock my boat.  There’s some friggin persistence.  And perhaps even some optimism–one can’t go through this 20-odd times, all the while doubting it will work.  Yes, my reproductive life does suck, but it doesn’t suck as hard as some people’s.  I have to remember that sometimes, and remember to be grateful for what I do have…instead of being sad or angry or defeated because I’m not further out on the “easier” side of the spectrum.  There are so many heart-breaking stories, some that have ended well and some that haven’t.  It is in these stories that I find the inspiration and the drive to keep at this.  These women didn’t ask to be someone’s inspiration, and I’m sure many would rather not have to be, but they are mine.

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Really, what does one have to write in one’s infertility blog on day…(counting on my fingers now, wait for me…) 20 of a cycle?  Not a whole lot. I could write about how P is definitely being “two.”  His constant ups and downs that range from complete sweetness (more rare) to utter huge pissy-fits (more the norm) have been driving me bonkers.  I was joking today to someone that I need to take medicine to handle HIS emotional roller-coasters.  Which brings me to another point…

While I am not ready to stop trying for my own next child, I need to have some sort of “what next” plan.  To stay sane. In my last entry I wrote about my Zoo Moment, and I have even been researching embryo adoption/donation as of late.  I know this partly drives T crazy, as we are dumping well over a grand each month into acupuncture treatments and head-doctor visits…and why are we doing that if we are going to pursue something else?  But that “something else” is only so I don’t completely let my guard down and start to think that if/when I get my period next week my FSH will be hovering at basement levels and all will work out smoothly and I will have a Christmas-bfp.  I know the odds of that are, well, slim.  Especially since my body likes to really torture my mind, and I am sure it would relish getting to give me a bfn a few days before seeing my pregnant sister in law, or even not let me get to the bfn-point at all.  So I’ve looked into adoption.  Just to look.  Just to see.  Just to test my heart and see how it goes.  And here’s some awesome irony–due to the fact that about four years ago I was on a low-dose of prozac for about 15 months, and currently I have anti-anxiety meds that I use “as needed” (once every few weeks…before the dentist, etc) I am NOT ELLIGIBLE to adopt from South Korea.  Really?  So because I have had a prescription in the past, and have a minor one now that basically helps me get through some of life’s tougher moments…I am shut out from yet ANOTHER thing in life?  Does the irony of anxiety + infertility = noyoucan’thaveachildfromus strike anyone else as quite crappy?  Ugh.

I’m glad I have acupunture tomorrow night to give me that nice sense of calm, and then head-doc on Thursday night to keep that calm.  Because if I go in next week…and then have to wait all day for that call about my fsh numbers…that day is going to be rough.  Anti-anxiety meds, anyone?

1 Comment | In: November 09 | | #

According to my head doc, T and I deserve about a billion “gold stars” for our communication this past week, with each other as well as with others.  In light of some pretty interesting “situational changes”, I do give myself a B+.  Hell, maybe even an A-.  I kicked some ass as far as “coping” goes this week.  And I ain’t afraid to give myself a lil shout-out here.  So there.  I shouted.

Today is day 15, for all of you concerned about my cycle progression (ok, for me.  I’ll write it for me…)  And for all of you interested…we did, as usual, try our damndest this time around the “way nature intended.”  And man.  It’s tiring.  It’s especially tiring when you know your chances are less than a percentage point, but it’s like the NY Lotto–you can’t win it if you ain’t in it.  But I don’t play lotto.  I do, however, apparently play lotto with my baby-making chances.

I guess right now, amidst all that is going on around me, my life is rather still where fertility is concerned, as I just wait and hope that I get my period, as I wait and hope that my FSH is low, as I wait and hope that I get this in before we lose the insurance at the end of ’09…and then I get to wait and hope that the shots produce follicles, that the follicles produce eggs, that the eggs fertilize, that the eggs transfer…you know the routine.  I’m not going to lie and say I’m happy we added some more worry on the front-end of the process, but this is what it is.

I never did write this next part, but I intended to, so here it is now.  When we were at the zoo last week, I saw a family up ahead that made me stop in my tracks, catch my breath, and then poke T in the side.  The son was about 10 or 11, dirty blond hair, looking much like his mom.  The daughter was about 6 or so, and she was Korean.  I just stopped.  And stared.  And welled up.  And thought to myself, I could do that.  That could be my family.  And I could be happy with that family.  I would be happy with that family.  Apparently this moment of clarity, or whatever, earned me yet another gold star from the head-doc.  While I am NOT ready to throw away my Sharps container (I have waaaaay too many unused needles still, and I need to hear when it’s ”the end” from some professionals before I give up), I am starting to see that I will be a mom again.  Someday.  Clearly not on my timetable.  Clearly not on my husband’s.  Clearly not on my doctor’s or even our bank account’s.  I will have to cheerlead others through their own pregnancies as I still work towards and yearn for and wait for my own.  I will have to listen/see others act as though they think they know what this is like for me, all the while knowing they don’t have a fecking clue.  But someday.  There will be another child among these walls, and I will love that child deeply and completely, always mindful of the journey that led me to that new life.

4 Comments | In: October 09 | | #

This weekend was unforgettable.  A truly amazing time as a family of three.  I did not think about the family of five we might have been.  Or any other scenario that other times I could imagine.  I just loved and rejoiced in what I do have.

And then.

Sister in law number two called just a few minutes ago:  Pregnant. (it’s irrelevant that it was on the first try.  as it was for their son three years ago.  or is it…?)

Due only a week or so after sister in law number one.

Which leaves one sister in law left to still break the news to me of a pregnancy (I know it is in the foreseeable future).

I am going to have to bring out the big guns to get through this one.  Sister in law #1 and I used to fret about this.very.situation.  And both of us hoped neither one of us was the “odd one out.”  But it seems someone is.  I’m kind of tired of it feeling like it is always me. 

This is not the first time I’ll be dealing with being happy for others yet sad for myself.  This is not the hardest thing I will ever go through in my life.  These are not the only two pregnancies that will come into my life this year.  I will come out of this okay.  Maybe a few more battlescars, but I will be okay.  I have to believe this.

You will not break me, infertility.  I will not allow you suck out all the joy and happiness I have let into my life.  I will not allow you to make me more bitter and hardened than I have already become.  I will not allow you to take away ME.  You. will. not. break. me.

3 Comments | In: October 09 | | #

Today is/was P’s 2nd birthday.  I remember the events of two years ago as clear as day.  I remember the preceding nine months as well, because I was so nervous, waiting for the other shoe to drop, that I didn’t fully “get to” appreciate being pregnant.  Infertility leaves you quite jaded, as well as causing you to anticipate the worst.  Especially when you’ve done IVF and seen it fail.  A lot.  It takes away the joy you so want to feel, because you  are so so nervous, and anxious, and worried…infertility does this.  At least it did to me.  But it also has caused me to truly cherish the moments I have spent with my son these past two years.  It has helped me to stop going going going, and has helped me to just be.  I feel like I am so much more aware of how precious the time we have together is, because I have known failure, and I have known loss.   I may never have known or experienced these two years this way,  if I had/have not been down the rocky road I’ve traveled.  I love my little man with all my heart.  Today was one of those days you want to last forever–memorable in so many ways.  The kind of day where you wish the moments would forever stay fresh in your mind.  The kind of day that ends with you not wanting it to end at all.   It’s been that kind of day.   The troubles and fears and uncertainties that plague me every other days could not reach me today, as I cherished this one life my husband and I were blessed with and entrusted with.  I love you, P.  Happy happy birthday.

3 Comments | In: October 09 | | #

Or refined sugars.  Or dairy.  A life without cheese…without all the amazing things cheese makes even more amazing…pizza, nachos, pasta, burgers, sandwiches, pizza, salads, chilis, soups, pizza…Yikes.  Though really what good is the cheese of a pizza if you can’t eat the crust?

3 Comments | In: October 09 | | #

FSH was 20.8.

countless ounces of fresh wheatgrass did nothing.

having hope and faith did nothing.

this cycle will be cancelled.

the doctor still has hope for me.

I want to.

I want to have hope.

but.right.now.I.can’t.

Eff.  Me.

9 Comments | In: October 09 | | #

I know that the date is arbitrary.  I know that.  Perhaps this is why I don’t feel anything more than usual today.  I feel as though maybe I should, though.  But I don’t feel excessive sadness or overwhelming loss.  It is true, that a lot of that has faded with time.  Today marks the official “due date” for our boys.  I know that I likely would have delivered them sometime in September–heck, I have two friends who were due with single babies in the weeks after me, and both have already delivered their little girls.  So common sense tells me that this day should be no more important than any other (even P was born a week before his due date).  For the past nine months, however, this date has loomed ahead in the distance–while I was pregnant and when I no longer was pregnant.   These last few days have crawled by as I waited for this day to come.  And here it is.  I feel just the same as I did yesterday and the day before that.  Strange.  T is away these next few days and while I wish he was here simply because I miss him regardless, it would be nice to have him here tonight.  Just to not be alone.

When I found out I miscarried and had the surgery a week later, it was late March.  All of the tulips and daffodils were just starting to come up.  Corny as it sounds, every time I saw a tulip bud, I thought of the babies.  And I know that for every March to come, I will see tulips and think of what once was, not necessarily of what might have been (what might have been is so much harder to handle).  I think the anniversary of their death will surely always be harder than the anniversary of something that never was.  I am neither religious enough nor faithful enough to think that those babies are angels in heaven, looking down on us, but I would like to think that they are present here, in this universe, giving me the strength to keep at this journey, allthewhile loving their big brother as only those little guys could.

2 Comments | In: October 09 | | #