Backing away from the blogging (for a bit)

So.  Christmas has come and gone.  It was a wonderful Christmas with family, and certainly one to be thankful for.  However, the days preceeding Christmas as well as the days after were a bit hard on the heart.  I had a positive digital test the day before my beta, giving me some hope that something was going on in there.  But the next morning…no more hope after the beta results were in.  It was a roller-coaster to say the least.  But the failed cycle is now behind me, and I am trying my darndest to look toward the future.  I really don’t want to be coming on here to spout my newest feelings/revisit my past hurt/complain/be bitter, etc.  So I am planning to just update when there is relevant and “new” news to write about.  We have an appointment on the 11th, and I am afraid because in my head I have already created this new Dr as a combination of Santa, Mother Theresa and a Magician in all in one.  I am (unwisely) hoping that he has some awesome potion for us that will get the job done.  There was a time when I was CERTAIN I would once again be pregnant via IVF…and now I am not so certain.  Of course, I still have hope it will happen, otherwise we wouldn’t be dropping half a grand on a new consult.  But I worry.  Because all medical signs point to the fact that with the response that I have, the fert rates and the number they freeze after…I should be getting pregnant.  A failed, a double-miscarriage, a failed FET and another failure certainly doesn’t support what my embryos seem to show. Isn’t it true that after three failed cycles, your odds of success go drastically down?  Shhhhhhooot.

We also have an appt next week with an adoption attorney to begin the steps of pursuing a private adoption, instead of via an agency (yep.  another half-a-grand).  I know it will be a lot more work on our part, but perhaps the fruits of our labor will be seen earlier than if we went the agency route. 

There are a few friends I know that read this who are either a)currently quite pregnant b)about to be pregnant any day/month, and I don’t want those friends to feel awkward sharing their own news because they know of my situation.  So I’m going to keep my fingers away from the keyboard for a little while, in hopes of restoring some normalcy into my life.  Just restarted the wheatgrass regimen this morning, but will certainly continue to enjoy me some gluten. (Also: very good friend just told me yesterday she is pregnant.  Like three days pregnant.  And this came a day after she cried to me that she wasn’t…after three months of trying.  Yes, she has known the entire journey I have been on.  And while it probably wasn’t her favorite to tell me, I think I was expecting some sort of remorse for having used me as a counseling-cushion the day prior to her positive test.  And I was a damn good cushion!  But I know that the Real World doesn’t always work like we expect.  T and I have decided that the way for anyone to get pregnant is to come and get to know me and get close…it will likely guarantee a pregnancy for that person.  I’m not bitter about it, I swear, but sometimes, it seems so ridiculous it makes me want to laugh).

I’ll surely update about the meeting with the attorney next week, and of course, after the consult with Dr Miracle.  But until then…laying low is the way to go.  I’ve got to keep my life in perspective, and realize that even though my dreams are not coming true, that does not mean the fulfillment of the dreams of others will come to a screeching halt.  I’m certainly no Positive Polly, and I certainly still do hurt…but I will once again look for the hope that 2010 kicks the pants off of 2009, which was really not the swellest of years.  Until then…

A lot of things.

I know it still seems too early…but I know that it’s not.  This cycle is most definitely over.  I will call my RE today and beg them to let me in on Monday for bloodwork–I know they won’t want to believe me (never do!) but I would love to be able to stop the shots and perhaps get my period before Christmas is here, rather than wait and have my beta on Wednesday. 

I feel as though I am at a “blogging crossroads.”  I know I haven’t been at this very long (five months) but it has been just the same crap day in, day out.  I do this mostly for myself (I am not one of the awesome “I have a million followers” bloggers–I have two or three real-life friends and a handful of blogging friends that read what I have to say regularly.  I’m not influencing any great piece of America out there, changing lives…) and since I started it for myself, and I am feeling trapped right now, I may have to let this go for a little while.  How many times can you write about Fertility Gone Wrong?  Honestly, by now, I figured I would be on the road to mommyhood once again.  My body, however has other plans.


I know I am blessed with the sweet son I have.  I know this for certain.  I know that this journey has made me love him and appreciate him in a way I never would have if I had come upon pregnancy in an easier, more traditional fashion.  And my next child–I can only imagine what that will be like.  My therapist said the other night (you know, when I still thought this would work) that once you have failed at IVF, you realize that it is not the Miracle Fix-All that even people who have to have IVF, but have it work the first time, see it to be.  For those, it is, well, we’ll just do IVF…with the assumption that it will always be that “easy” (note: clearly not as easy as the traditional method.)  And that’s where I fall–it’s clearly NOT “oh, I’ll just do IVF” for us. 


I will be seeking a second opinion with one of the (alleged?) top high-fsh/AMA (I am only the former, but the former makes me similar to the latter) at Cor.nell in early January.  I will be attending an adoption seminar two days later.  There is something out there in the future for me to look toward, I know it.  But right now, I am still mourning the fact that this seemingly-great cycle was not so great after all.  IVF cycles for first child: 2.  IVF cycles for second child: 4 and counting…


Merry (early) Christmas if I don’t make my way back on here next week–though I can’t imagine I don’t pop on to write about my good-byes to my current RE office…and thanks for always reading about me and caring about the outcome.  I’ll be back, I promise.  I just want to wait for the burn to leave my eyes, and the sadness to lessen in my heart.

Not our christmas miracle.

It is three days past transfer.  And I know.  The discernable non-pregnant cramps arrived around 5am this morning.  If you had asked me yesterday, I would have told you yes, it worked.  I think it worked.  I am due for it to work, so it worked.  I played the game the best I could…how could it not work?  Today…a sadder version of my self writes this.  I Hate that I need to keep doing the shots through next Tuesday.  I Hate that my body shows the signs so early.  But I did everything I could this cycle.  And as T told me this morning as he held me and I tried hard not to cry…we will have another child one day.  It is not happening anywhere close to our timetable.  It may not even be our biological child.  But I will be a mom to another child.  That dream will come true, just not this time.

1 day post transfer

So.  transfer was yesterday morning.  After hearing that all had fertilized, I was feeling pretttty pretttty good and not worried that we might get to the hospital only to hear bad news…Turns out, we had “ok” embryos (this is strictly my non-medical-professional opinion.  Based on the ratings, of course).  Anyway.  We transferred two 4BB embryos.  No A’s in sight.  It’s like a bad report card in high school.  My doctor exhibits little emotion about anything, so I couldn’t read him, but the nurses were quite positive about it all.  (Here I will spare you the details of the transfer…if you’ve ever done this, you know them…though I will say I was OVER-cleaned/swabbed down there.  Five times!  I think he was bored waiting for the embryos to get into their little straw–he kept CLEANING me.  I kid you not.  I finally joked that I wouldn’t have to shower for a month.  Oh.  And my bladder hurt.  Of course.  But doesn’t everyone’s on that table?) Anyway.  I am not going to freak out about 4BBs–I am going to be POSITIVE. I am feeling positive.  I believe the twins were BBs, and even though they didnt make it, I don’t think their grades were the reason why.  We froze two more yesterday and one more was being watched today.  The freezer-bound were not superstars, I think a BC and a CD…but for some reason, dr and embryologist still thought they ought to be frozen. 

All in all, I am confident in my actions this cycle.  I ate good foods.  I eliminated “bad” ones.  I took supplements.  I drank fresh wheatgrass.  I listened to fertility meditation cds.  I cut back on exercise.  I did acupuncture regularly (added in an appt Sunday afternoon pre-transfer, and then Monday afternoon post-transfer).  I even went to a hotel (!!) yesterday after the transfer, to do my bedrest (thank you, accrued hotel points!) I have a hard time resting at the house when a two year old is interested in my every move, jumping on me, playing with me, being picked up or chased around…and it usually causes some marital woes, as T and I argue over what is “too much.”  So instead, I checked into the hotel, and remained fairly vertical for 24 hours.  There’s not much more to do at this point, except wait.  And if this cycle doesnt work, I know now that I did close to everything I possibly could to help it along.  So if it doesnt work, it wasn’t for lack of effort or trying.  I know in the past I have gotten so sad and angry, saying WHY didn’t it work…I did everything RIGHT??  But now, I hope to see it as, It didn’t work, but I did everything right.  Of course, it would be wonderful to not get to that spot.  And my new outlook doesn’t mean it will be any “easier”, but it is a good mindset nonetheless.

I figure I’ll have a good grasp by Friday or Saturday if it worked…as previously noted, my period cramps are quite distinguishable from my pregnant ones.  So it won’t be as though I find out right before Christmas–I’ll have a head start on the info.  And now…now I wait.  I think about my embryos, I pray about this, I continue to think and feel positive, I “hope” about things an awful lot…and I wait.

We Have Some Embryos

Got the call this afternoon:

10 retrieved (old news)

10 mature (new news)

10 fertilized. (no WAY!  best fert rate in the history of our multiple ivfs.)

Let the game continue…

We’re Back.

Back home after the retrieval.  And MAN.  I do love that anesthesia.  According to one of my nurses, it is the same stuff Michael Jackson was using…when…well…you know.  But who wouldn’t want to fall asleep like that?  Pretty sweet.  Anyway.  I was apparently murmuring P’s name over and over as I drifted off…and also asked the packed room of nurses/doc/embryologists, “What do you think of Target?”  And then followed up with “Well, I was thinking of going shopping there tonight.”  And then I proceded to tell which Target and how it wouldn’t even be crowded…note here that nurse later put the kibosh on that one.  Sad.  I was looking forward to buying some Christmas decorations with the family in tow…I feel we are so far behind!


So.  All went well.  They had to keep me in recovery a bit longer because my heartrate was hanging out in the low 40s…but I think that’s what happens when a runner (semi-runner these days) gets some knock-out drugs. Now I feel fine, if not bloated (duh) and v v v gaseous (ew).  Dr Dubs told T when they wheeled me back in that he was “extra gentle” and even looked around afterwards to make sure all was clear (trying to avoid another abdominal bleed-out like happened back in January).  I must be a great “reviver” after the anesthesia–I don’t feel the need to nap, I would love to do some house tidying and decorating…but being that T is downstairs working from home, I’m being watched.  So writing out the Christmas cards it is!


And of course.  The important part.  Ten were retrieved.  We’ll find out tomorrow how many fertilized and whether it looks like a 3 day or 5 day…I was mildly pleased with the news–I am the type of person that always tries to “beat the last time” (I try to drive home from places faster than I did the last time…to save more money with coupons than I did the last time…to run the same loop a bit faster than I did the last time…to make the cookies even better than the last time…to drive home to PA in less time than the last time…) and the last time I had a retrieval we got 13, 11 of which fertilized normally.  Of course, that was 11 months ago and my ovaries were 11 months younger. 


I am so so so  grateful I have made it to this point.  I was in the swanky pre-op room, thinking how grateful I was to be sitting there.  The last time I was in that hospital was for my D&C for the twins in March…and I was so lucky to be there under different circumstances now.  I truly appreciate that my ovaries have cooperated, that all has gone well to this point, and that I am where I am.  I am really going to try and Live in the Grateful for the next few weeks (fyi: pregnancy beta is tentatively scheduled for Christmas-eve-eve.  Come on, bring me that Christmas Miracle, Elmo!)  Living in the Worry or the Fear won’t make a poor outcome any easier to hear…and I want God and this Universe to know I appreciate the gift I have been given–to have made it this far.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

Here Goes (and update)

Due to a nice weekend with a dear friend I don’t see often enough (and also an exhausting- solo-momming-weekend while T lived it up in Vegas with some friends), I haven’t been a good updater.  I think it is for the best, as I would have written twice a day about all of my worries, etc etc…


But.  As of yesterday morning, my E2 was 1670.  I went in today for a final blood draw and a final ultrasound, and it seems there are three visible ripe ‘n ready ones on one ovary, and three or four on another, with smaller ones thrown in.  I am still going to hope there are more to find once Dr goes in there.  Yep.  We’re going forward.  No matter my numbers this afternoon, we’ll be triggering tonight with a retrieval on Wednesday morning.  I am so relieved to have made it through another step.  Now I will of course worry that I ovulate before the retrieval ( I worry about this every.time. Drives T nuts.)  My favorite part of this all?  When I am waiting for the anesthesia to work, and then I am blissfully passed out, not thinking about any of this at all.  And when I wake…well I’m too drugged and groggy to understand things right away anyway.  So I wait for that awesome half-hour Wed morning…(maybe I can get my hands on some early, and just sleep through the next 48 hours…)


Also.  Just set up appointment with New Elevated-FSH-Master Doctor down in the city for mid January.  It’s the first available.  Here’s hoping I get to cancel and hang onto the $500 consult fee…


UPDATE: E2 today was 2301.  Lupron tonight…then Hcg later.  Retrieval is 10am Wed morning.  OK, ovaries.  It’s your show now…

Monitoring Appt. Numero Dos

Today’s appt was after five nights of stims.    Ultrasound:  Two mediums on the right, measuring 11/12 and 13/14 or so.  Three more mini-mini-ones hanging around there as well.  Left ovary–five in total, ranging from 6 to 10 or so.  E2 level: 659.  Not expecting a whole carton of eggs this time around, based on these numbers.  But I don’t need a whole carton.  I need enough to make it to day five, and then one to make it nine more months after that.

Same dosing tonight and tomorrow, return on Friday morning.  Acupuncture tonight was great, and I have real faith that there will be substantial growth based on the treatment come Friday.  This lady knows her stuff.  I heart her a lot.  Even if she does think that Splenda is the Most Evil Substance Ever.  Ummmm…sister in law uses it all the time.  Pregnant two times, immediately.  Surely, it is not the splenda :)   But I will gladly avoid splenda for the rest of my days if I get pregnant…


It is already December.  And I am still writing about IVF cycles…I remember writing that I couldn’t believe it was September…and then October…and then…you get my drift.  But here we are.  That Elusive IVF Cycle I tried to start back in August is STILL in the making…and I hope this one is at least a go, if not more.


My E2 level yesterday was either 260 something or 280 something, and while I was worried for a second bc I looked back and saw that on the first blood draw for a cycle back in September it was 316…I realized 1) this one was one whole day earlier,  and 2)that one was a bust anyway, so what does a comparison do for me?  I know that at the start this time my E2 was 31, and last time it was in the low 50s, so that should also be working in my favor…right?


Four nights of shots are behind me, likely five or six more to come.  If all goes well, I should be retrieving a week from today or a week from tomorrow.  I hope I hope I hope…We’ve been watching a lot of an Elmo Christmas movie around these parts lately, and I keep hearing Elmo exclaim “It’s a Christmas Miracle!” or Alicia Keyes saying, “It is when things are the darkest and at the lowest that you really have to believe even more” (yep.  I’m taking my cues from Sesame Street).  Although…P got a new ornament this year, and it was two M&Ms in a firetruck (two of his favorite things), and yesterday he dropped it on the kitchen floor and one of the guys shattered into four or five pieces, but the other one stayed intact.  Does THAT mean anything?   Silly how I look for/find signs in the oddest of places…