So, it seems I am expecting a baby.

14w 1d today.  Second trimester arrived.  Had a short little appt, where they did blood pressure, weight, pee-check, and heartbeat-listen-to.  Heartbeat is a strong 168.  The dr seems to think I am a regular pregnant person.  Fool.  Inside, I am screaming something else.  Well, I go between that scream and the blissful daydreams of a crossover vehicle to purchase, thinking of boy names or using our bestest favest girl name.  And yes, I am still scared.  But not as scared as I was when I was in the earlier weeks.  Or when I was not pregnant.  Because every single infertile person knows they hit that point where the once possible is now seen as impossible.  Yet I am the annoying cliche that I always wanted to be–I had filled out all the adoption paperwork, wrote my 8 page autobiography, and had contacted references four days before my positive pregnancy test.  I will never ever tell anyone outside of this world that story, though–no need to add fuel to the ridiculous fire of “just adopt and you’ll get pregnant.”  There’s enough of that moronic advice swirling about out there already!

I am really beginning to think I am going to have a baby in November.  IF never ever ever goes away and losses and failures shape your future experiences for sure, but things DO get put on hold for a little once pregnancy sets in.  I mean, I no longer sit and cry about what if I NEVER get pregnant (of course, I sit and worry about losing this baby and then what…) but I would be lying if I said that I feel exactly the same as I did when I was not pregnant.

I still listen to the heartbeat every night.  I still protectively cover my abdomen, from what, I don’t know.  I still worry about telling people.  I am going to take it slow–and not reach out to share the news (Hey! Its me! I’m Pregnant!  I’m Thrilled! Its so unexPECted! gush gush, gush gush…).  Instead, as it comes up, I’ll share.  How amazing would it be if I found the nerve to FB that “after 18 solid months of medical intervention, 5 failed IVFs, one failed IUI, one turn in the ICU, two units of blood transfused, two losses….I am cautiously expecting.”  But I will never ever write that because 1)I don’t think FB is a place for uterine updates 2)once it is out there it can’t ever come back and who the hell would want to have to recant that statement ever, and 3)I may be an over-sharer, but not that much.  I think I’d rather people find out via my Christmas card, rather than a post on a friend/acquaintance networking site.   But just sometimes.  Sometimes I want the world to be aware of the struggles some of us go through.  And how freaking lucky I am right now to have made it this far.

Scan was fine.

I seemed to remember my NT scan with P taking a lot longer…maybe it was walking between lab and OB area of the hospital or something…but this was done right in my office.  I waited for about an hour and 10 minutes for a “test” that lasted all of 12.  But it seems my risk looks low, and the bean has grown appropriately over the last month since my last ultrasound–measures right on target, 12w 1-2 days.  I asked the doctor to tell me the heartrate, explaining that it seemed rather high on the at-home doppler I used…and instead of just measuring and calming me, he launched into a tirade about the dopplers causing a false sense of security, etc.  He then told me a “true story” that happened to one of his patients last year–she wasn’t feeling the baby move, she felt something was off, but she used her at home doppler and could still hear the heartbeat.  She was 34 weeks.  Turns out something was wrong, the baby was already brain dead by the time she sought medical attention, the baby was born, lived a month, then died.  So this is why I shouldn’t use a doppler.

Ummm….okay.  Thanks.  Thanks for following a neat experience of seeing the bean (ok, the “large” lime) up on the huge tv screen on the wall and hearing you tell me the preliminary measurements look good–and then you end with this comforting tale.  He did tell me that “normal” heartrates range from 120 to 180 (hello, giantest range ever), and that My Large Lime was beating at 179bpm.  I guess I should be relieved that he didn’t jump out of his chair at this point with dire worry–but he also did not say a THING to make me believe that it is okay to be on the border of high-normal.  Thus, instead of leaving and staring lovingly at the picture, I left horrified that something like that story could happen.  Sheesh.  I hope if I make it to delivery, this doctor does NOT stand below me with a clear plastic visor and some rubber gloves…

If the old wives tale is true–fast hb, bad complexion (can anyone say “Pepperoni Pizzalike Chin?”) and more nausea than last time…then maybe this is a girl.  Seems the way the family dynamics have headed this year, so I wouldn’t be surprised.

Next appointment:  14 weeks.  Sure it will just be a weight/hb check.  Hopefully, I will have used the facilities by then.  I swear.  I think I was up so many pounds since the 12 week because I haven’t used the bathroom in DAYS.  And it ain’t like I ain’t eating…lordy.  It is FULL in there. 

My mom asked me if it feels more real yet.  I told her…maybe by November?

In non-related news: we went to our first movie together since…The of Ha.ppy.ness was in theaters.  Yep.  We’re a fun duo.  Anyway.  We saw Ci.ty Isl.and.  Maybe it’s being a New Yawker, or maybe because it had NOTHING to do with pregnancy or little babies–but actually, I think it was just a good good movie.  And it was short-ish.  I have the attention span of an 8 year old boy…so the 1hr40min lengthtime was perfect for me.

But…when did the price go up to 11 bucks a ticket?  Oh…right…probably in the last FOUR YEARS.


I posted a brief update yesterday, along with some thoughts I had about moving forward in this pregnancy.  And then I lay (layed?  laid?) awake half the night in a panic over it all, because I was basically acknowledging I think this pregnancy is going forward…and that scared the crap out of me.  I began to panic that holy shit, if I do that, and on Monday they find something wrong, I have to un-acknowledge.  I would have come and deleted it overnight save for my ridiculous stomach pains (pregnancy induced?  e coli induced?  (yep–breakout in the region.  And I have had lettuce recently…) panic induced?)  So I delete it now, gone from the world, save for my mind.  And now I can’t forget it.  Stupid me–getting a bit comfortable and confident.  Why do I think this is going to be a good, safe thing?  What proof or reassurance do I have of this????

Now I can safely continue to obssess over what I think is a too-fast heartbeat for how far along I am (still banging out 175-180.  And I’m 12 weeks tomorrow.  Can’t be good, can it…), what they will find on Monday, how I will handle yet another appointment alone as our sitters are busy and T did not feel like asking his Dad to come help out for some reason…so I’ll be there alone.  Again.  And scared.  Argh…………