revisiting some thoughts

Last night, in discussion with my acu/holistichealer/whathaveyou, I was saying how I don’t have all that much hope right now, based solely on the fact that I don’t want to get hurt next week (I’m sure my perspective will change by next week, just in time for me to get slammed with news).  Maybe I am trying to under-psyche myself, so that if I expect bad news, but good news happens, then I can be happy. But if I hope for the best, I’m going to get smooshed again.  If you have ever had cancelled/failed IVFs/FETs, you know what it is like, trying to prepare for the next one.  I yearn to be the eternal optimist, but I don’t know if any She Who Has Tried and Failed Time and Time Again can ever really be that person.  I think that infertility, while clearly encompassing a wide group, is divided into many non-equal subgroups.  You’ve got the clomids, the IUIs, the first-time-was-the-charm IVF people.  You’ve got the no losses, the losses, the multiple losses.  The surgeries, the multiples surgeries, the constant-repeat-surgeries…the distinctions go on and on.  It is not okay with me if someone who was able to get pregnant on any place along the ”easier side of infertility” spectrum likens their experiences to my own or pretends we are the same.  Even I have the sense to know there are a crapload of people out there who have experienced more hurt and pain and sadness than I ever have, and I would never ever see our situations as the same.  (ok.  I wrote about this back in august.  about how we all only know our own pain, and that is truly the worst because it is the worst we know ourselves.  I still do believe this).  But.  I don’t believe that all infertility was created equal.  And after reading so many blogs of women slammed in the head with the Crap Stick, I can’t help but get angrier at the whole situation.  The stories I have become caught up in are sometimes more heartbreaking than my own, and I think mine is pretty damn rough (naysayers will say that because I have one already, it is not so rough.  I say, I believe you are mistaken.)


The point that all of this brings me to is this: I’m not the worst infertility story I know of.  I am the worst infertility story I know of in my real-life-extended-circle-of- family-and-friends-both-near-and-far-facebook-included, but I am not the worst story I know.  (here we return back to the start of the entry…) Last night acu/holistichealer/whathaveyou told me of two women–one who did IVF 23 times, and got pregnant (for keeps) on the 23rd, and another who did IVF 16 times, got pregnant but miscarried, and is now gearing up to go again.  My head spun at the thought of that (let alone the bancruptcy that would ensue)!  There are two stories to rock my boat.  There’s some friggin persistence.  And perhaps even some optimism–one can’t go through this 20-odd times, all the while doubting it will work.  Yes, my reproductive life does suck, but it doesn’t suck as hard as some people’s.  I have to remember that sometimes, and remember to be grateful for what I do have…instead of being sad or angry or defeated because I’m not further out on the “easier” side of the spectrum.  There are so many heart-breaking stories, some that have ended well and some that haven’t.  It is in these stories that I find the inspiration and the drive to keep at this.  These women didn’t ask to be someone’s inspiration, and I’m sure many would rather not have to be, but they are mine.

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