Not too much new.

Really, what does one have to write in one’s infertility blog on day…(counting on my fingers now, wait for me…) 20 of a cycle?  Not a whole lot. I could write about how P is definitely being “two.”  His constant ups and downs that range from complete sweetness (more rare) to utter huge pissy-fits (more the norm) have been driving me bonkers.  I was joking today to someone that I need to take medicine to handle HIS emotional roller-coasters.  Which brings me to another point…

While I am not ready to stop trying for my own next child, I need to have some sort of “what next” plan.  To stay sane. In my last entry I wrote about my Zoo Moment, and I have even been researching embryo adoption/donation as of late.  I know this partly drives T crazy, as we are dumping well over a grand each month into acupuncture treatments and head-doctor visits…and why are we doing that if we are going to pursue something else?  But that “something else” is only so I don’t completely let my guard down and start to think that if/when I get my period next week my FSH will be hovering at basement levels and all will work out smoothly and I will have a Christmas-bfp.  I know the odds of that are, well, slim.  Especially since my body likes to really torture my mind, and I am sure it would relish getting to give me a bfn a few days before seeing my pregnant sister in law, or even not let me get to the bfn-point at all.  So I’ve looked into adoption.  Just to look.  Just to see.  Just to test my heart and see how it goes.  And here’s some awesome irony–due to the fact that about four years ago I was on a low-dose of prozac for about 15 months, and currently I have anti-anxiety meds that I use “as needed” (once every few weeks…before the dentist, etc) I am NOT ELLIGIBLE to adopt from South Korea.  Really?  So because I have had a prescription in the past, and have a minor one now that basically helps me get through some of life’s tougher moments…I am shut out from yet ANOTHER thing in life?  Does the irony of anxiety + infertility = noyoucan’thaveachildfromus strike anyone else as quite crappy?  Ugh.

I’m glad I have acupunture tomorrow night to give me that nice sense of calm, and then head-doc on Thursday night to keep that calm.  Because if I go in next week…and then have to wait all day for that call about my fsh numbers…that day is going to be rough.  Anti-anxiety meds, anyone?

One Comment, Comment or Ping

  1. Wow! I had no idea. That really sucks! sucks! sucks! I’m keepin’ my fingers crossed that your fsh is down. But I think that it is amazing that you are considering adoption (just as a sanity backup of course.) My husband is adopted and I truly believe that he would not be the wonderful person that he is today if he hadn’t been raised by his adoptive family. It really is an opportunity to change someone’s life forever.

    I hope that P’s jeckle and hyde phase ends soon. It’s so crazy how children’s mood swings can just kill the pleasure of the day. Dashell is teething right now, and is veeeery hit and miss in the charm department! If you need a shoulder to cry on I’m here. If only you lived closer, we could drown our sorrows in a shot of wheatgrass together. Hang in there!

    November 3rd, 2009

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