And the walls came crashing down…

This weekend was unforgettable.  A truly amazing time as a family of three.  I did not think about the family of five we might have been.  Or any other scenario that other times I could imagine.  I just loved and rejoiced in what I do have.


And then.


Sister in law number two called just a few minutes ago:  Pregnant. (it’s irrelevant that it was on the first try.  as it was for their son three years ago.  or is it…?)


Due only a week or so after sister in law number one.


Which leaves one sister in law left to still break the news to me of a pregnancy (I know it is in the foreseeable future).


I am going to have to bring out the big guns to get through this one.  Sister in law #1 and I used to fret about this.very.situation.  And both of us hoped neither one of us was the “odd one out.”  But it seems someone is.  I’m kind of tired of it feeling like it is always me. 


This is not the first time I’ll be dealing with being happy for others yet sad for myself.  This is not the hardest thing I will ever go through in my life.  These are not the only two pregnancies that will come into my life this year.  I will come out of this okay.  Maybe a few more battlescars, but I will be okay.  I have to believe this.


You will not break me, infertility.  I will not allow you suck out all the joy and happiness I have let into my life.  I will not allow you to make me more bitter and hardened than I have already become.  I will not allow you to take away ME.  You. will. not. break. me.

3 Comments, Comment or Ping

  1. No this bitch IF will not break us. But as we know some days and situations are harder than others. You WILL come out of this okay, and soon, you will not be the odd one out. I’m hoping me too. I mean when your husband’s niece of like 27 or so just had her third baby,,,, that hurts.

    October 26th, 2009

  2. aaaah, so were twins too.

    Both of my SIL’s just had babies in the last few weeks. So I know the feeling….

    I haven’t been all that good with coping with feeling the “why me’s” and “that’s just not fair”, but I do know that making peace with my broken body has helped me cope… a little. That and beating down my bad IF thoughts with a stick. lol.


    October 26th, 2009

  3. I think I’m going to take your last two paragraphs and paste it to my mirror or something. I was on a chat board with a dozen women, 5 of whom are due within a month on either side of where my due date would have been if either my IVF or surprise PG had worked. All of whom got PG within the first month or two of trying.

    Thank God I only have one SIL. My BFF started trying after us and has a 8 month old. My other BFF just started trying and I’ll have to find a way to be happy for her BFP too.

    What people don’t understand is that I’m not pissed or upset that they’re going on with their life. I’m not expecting people to put their life on hold for me. I just can’t be immediately happy because I just want to BE them.

    How amazing would it be to just have sex a few times in a month and get PG? They don’t even know how lucky they are and will never ever appreciate that.

    October 27th, 2009

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