I.V.Effed: No Sex, No Lies, and No Videotape

So.  transfer was yesterday morning.  After hearing that all had fertilized, I was feeling pretttty pretttty good and not worried that we might get to the hospital only to hear bad news…Turns out, we had “ok” embryos (this is strictly my non-medical-professional opinion.  Based on the ratings, of course).  Anyway.  We transferred two 4BB embryos.  No A’s in sight.  It’s like a bad report card in high school.  My doctor exhibits little emotion about anything, so I couldn’t read him, but the nurses were quite positive about it all.  (Here I will spare you the details of the transfer…if you’ve ever done this, you know them…though I will say I was OVER-cleaned/swabbed down there.  Five times!  I think he was bored waiting for the embryos to get into their little straw–he kept CLEANING me.  I kid you not.  I finally joked that I wouldn’t have to shower for a month.  Oh.  And my bladder hurt.  Of course.  But doesn’t everyone’s on that table?) Anyway.  I am not going to freak out about 4BBs–I am going to be POSITIVE. I am feeling positive.  I believe the twins were BBs, and even though they didnt make it, I don’t think their grades were the reason why.  We froze two more yesterday and one more was being watched today.  The freezer-bound were not superstars, I think a BC and a CD…but for some reason, dr and embryologist still thought they ought to be frozen. 

All in all, I am confident in my actions this cycle.  I ate good foods.  I eliminated “bad” ones.  I took supplements.  I drank fresh wheatgrass.  I listened to fertility meditation cds.  I cut back on exercise.  I did acupuncture regularly (added in an appt Sunday afternoon pre-transfer, and then Monday afternoon post-transfer).  I even went to a hotel (!!) yesterday after the transfer, to do my bedrest (thank you, accrued hotel points!) I have a hard time resting at the house when a two year old is interested in my every move, jumping on me, playing with me, being picked up or chased around…and it usually causes some marital woes, as T and I argue over what is “too much.”  So instead, I checked into the hotel, and remained fairly vertical for 24 hours.  There’s not much more to do at this point, except wait.  And if this cycle doesnt work, I know now that I did close to everything I possibly could to help it along.  So if it doesnt work, it wasn’t for lack of effort or trying.  I know in the past I have gotten so sad and angry, saying WHY didn’t it work…I did everything RIGHT??  But now, I hope to see it as, It didn’t work, but I did everything right.  Of course, it would be wonderful to not get to that spot.  And my new outlook doesn’t mean it will be any “easier”, but it is a good mindset nonetheless.

I figure I’ll have a good grasp by Friday or Saturday if it worked…as previously noted, my period cramps are quite distinguishable from my pregnant ones.  So it won’t be as though I find out right before Christmas–I’ll have a head start on the info.  And now…now I wait.  I think about my embryos, I pray about this, I continue to think and feel positive, I “hope” about things an awful lot…and I wait.

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Got the call this afternoon:

10 retrieved (old news)

10 mature (new news)

10 fertilized. (no WAY!  best fert rate in the history of our multiple ivfs.)

Let the game continue…

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Back home after the retrieval.  And MAN.  I do love that anesthesia.  According to one of my nurses, it is the same stuff Michael Jackson was using…when…well…you know.  But who wouldn’t want to fall asleep like that?  Pretty sweet.  Anyway.  I was apparently murmuring P’s name over and over as I drifted off…and also asked the packed room of nurses/doc/embryologists, “What do you think of Target?”  And then followed up with “Well, I was thinking of going shopping there tonight.”  And then I proceded to tell which Target and how it wouldn’t even be crowded…note here that nurse later put the kibosh on that one.  Sad.  I was looking forward to buying some Christmas decorations with the family in tow…I feel we are so far behind!

So.  All went well.  They had to keep me in recovery a bit longer because my heartrate was hanging out in the low 40s…but I think that’s what happens when a runner (semi-runner these days) gets some knock-out drugs. Now I feel fine, if not bloated (duh) and v v v gaseous (ew).  Dr Dubs told T when they wheeled me back in that he was “extra gentle” and even looked around afterwards to make sure all was clear (trying to avoid another abdominal bleed-out like happened back in January).  I must be a great “reviver” after the anesthesia–I don’t feel the need to nap, I would love to do some house tidying and decorating…but being that T is downstairs working from home, I’m being watched.  So writing out the Christmas cards it is!

And of course.  The important part.  Ten were retrieved.  We’ll find out tomorrow how many fertilized and whether it looks like a 3 day or 5 day…I was mildly pleased with the news–I am the type of person that always tries to “beat the last time” (I try to drive home from places faster than I did the last time…to save more money with coupons than I did the last time…to run the same loop a bit faster than I did the last time…to make the cookies even better than the last time…to drive home to PA in less time than the last time…) and the last time I had a retrieval we got 13, 11 of which fertilized normally.  Of course, that was 11 months ago and my ovaries were 11 months younger. 

I am so so so  grateful I have made it to this point.  I was in the swanky pre-op room, thinking how grateful I was to be sitting there.  The last time I was in that hospital was for my D&C for the twins in March…and I was so lucky to be there under different circumstances now.  I truly appreciate that my ovaries have cooperated, that all has gone well to this point, and that I am where I am.  I am really going to try and Live in the Grateful for the next few weeks (fyi: pregnancy beta is tentatively scheduled for Christmas-eve-eve.  Come on, bring me that Christmas Miracle, Elmo!)  Living in the Worry or the Fear won’t make a poor outcome any easier to hear…and I want God and this Universe to know I appreciate the gift I have been given–to have made it this far.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

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Due to a nice weekend with a dear friend I don’t see often enough (and also an exhausting- solo-momming-weekend while T lived it up in Vegas with some friends), I haven’t been a good updater.  I think it is for the best, as I would have written twice a day about all of my worries, etc etc…

But.  As of yesterday morning, my E2 was 1670.  I went in today for a final blood draw and a final ultrasound, and it seems there are three visible ripe ‘n ready ones on one ovary, and three or four on another, with smaller ones thrown in.  I am still going to hope there are more to find once Dr goes in there.  Yep.  We’re going forward.  No matter my numbers this afternoon, we’ll be triggering tonight with a retrieval on Wednesday morning.  I am so relieved to have made it through another step.  Now I will of course worry that I ovulate before the retrieval ( I worry about this every.time. Drives T nuts.)  My favorite part of this all?  When I am waiting for the anesthesia to work, and then I am blissfully passed out, not thinking about any of this at all.  And when I wake…well I’m too drugged and groggy to understand things right away anyway.  So I wait for that awesome half-hour Wed morning…(maybe I can get my hands on some early, and just sleep through the next 48 hours…)

Also.  Just set up appointment with New Elevated-FSH-Master Doctor down in the city for mid January.  It’s the first available.  Here’s hoping I get to cancel and hang onto the $500 consult fee…

UPDATE: E2 today was 2301.  Lupron tonight…then Hcg later.  Retrieval is 10am Wed morning.  OK, ovaries.  It’s your show now…

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Today’s appt was after five nights of stims.    Ultrasound:  Two mediums on the right, measuring 11/12 and 13/14 or so.  Three more mini-mini-ones hanging around there as well.  Left ovary–five in total, ranging from 6 to 10 or so.  E2 level: 659.  Not expecting a whole carton of eggs this time around, based on these numbers.  But I don’t need a whole carton.  I need enough to make it to day five, and then one to make it nine more months after that.

Same dosing tonight and tomorrow, return on Friday morning.  Acupuncture tonight was great, and I have real faith that there will be substantial growth based on the treatment come Friday.  This lady knows her stuff.  I heart her a lot.  Even if she does think that Splenda is the Most Evil Substance Ever.  Ummmm…sister in law uses it all the time.  Pregnant two times, immediately.  Surely, it is not the splenda   But I will gladly avoid splenda for the rest of my days if I get pregnant…

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It is already December.  And I am still writing about IVF cycles…I remember writing that I couldn’t believe it was September…and then October…and then…you get my drift.  But here we are.  That Elusive IVF Cycle I tried to start back in August is STILL in the making…and I hope this one is at least a go, if not more.

My E2 level yesterday was either 260 something or 280 something, and while I was worried for a second bc I looked back and saw that on the first blood draw for a cycle back in September it was 316…I realized 1) this one was one whole day earlier,  and 2)that one was a bust anyway, so what does a comparison do for me?  I know that at the start this time my E2 was 31, and last time it was in the low 50s, so that should also be working in my favor…right?

Four nights of shots are behind me, likely five or six more to come.  If all goes well, I should be retrieving a week from today or a week from tomorrow.  I hope I hope I hope…We’ve been watching a lot of an Elmo Christmas movie around these parts lately, and I keep hearing Elmo exclaim “It’s a Christmas Miracle!” or Alicia Keyes saying, “It is when things are the darkest and at the lowest that you really have to believe even more” (yep.  I’m taking my cues from Sesame Street).  Although…P got a new ornament this year, and it was two M&Ms in a firetruck (two of his favorite things), and yesterday he dropped it on the kitchen floor and one of the guys shattered into four or five pieces, but the other one stayed intact.  Does THAT mean anything?   Silly how I look for/find signs in the oddest of places…

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That is one of the valuable lessons I learned yesterday.  I was feeling great trepidation about seeing one of my two pregnant sisters-in-law (sister-in-laws???)  for Thanksgiving.  Ok, I wasn’t nervous about SEEING her, I was nervous about seeing her PREGNANT.  (I will admit that the combination of the good-fsh news from Wed, combined with the fact that she isn’t yet A Giant Belly worked in my favor).  But once I got there, and we hugged, everything I was worried about went away.  And it was just she and me again (odd grammar there, but I believe it is correct), and I was HAPPY for her.  Happy that she is going to be a mommy.  Happy that she was finally happy.  Unlike many holidays past, I wasn’t wondering if she was watching me with P with wistful sadness or if seeing her nephew was bittersweet…because I know she is well on her way to her own sweet child.   And I love that she and my favorite brother in law will both know the joy of being a parent.   Am I jealous?  Envious?  Ummm…yes.  You bet your ass I am.  I would really really really like to be in her shoes right now.  Really.  Reallyreally.  I have been given this next chance to try, and for that I am so thankful.  I will give this cycle my all, because I have learned the hard way that the “next cycle” is not necessarily just a month away. 

 But yesterday wasn’t about me, I wasn’t sitting in the corner thinking “poor me.”  I was sitting there, thinking, Wow. I am so happy for them.  (ok, here comes a liiiiitle bit of me again…I desperately want to know that joy again.  I want to wake up every day, touch my belly, and know I am growing a part of myself and my husband. I want to know that feeling).  But for yesterday, for those few hours we were together, I was just Happy.  Infertility can sometimes make it hard to see that it isn’t always about ME–and I am so glad that I was able to step out of that for a little while, and be happy for and with someone I love.  Yet another Thanksgiving gift, I guess…

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That is the FSH of a “normal” person.  And today, at the start of this next cycle, it is mine.  Happy Thanksgiving to me.  I am filled with gratitude right now–I now have the chance to try one more time for a pregnancy in 2009.  Happy, happy thanksgiving.

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While I KNOW the 2week wait after an IVF is just torture (well, for me, it is like a 5day wait, as I know pretty early on if it worked or not….yay me for being so experienced in artificial reproduction!), this 2ww until the next post-pill baseline is also reaaaallly long.  I took my final pill last night, and will be going in for the baseline Wednesday morning.  I know there is nothing I can do right now to make it get here any faster, and that there is also nothing I can do now to ensure that the results are as good as I am hoping for.  So I wait.  I will be giving T’s phone number to the nurse on Wednesday morning, because I don’t think I can handle the news coming across my own phone line…my heart would likely explode once I saw their office number pop up.  I am also tired of  learning the crappy news first.  I am always telling T the bad news–and it sucks.  So in order to relieve the afternoon of stress, I’ll have them call him.  And then he can call me.   Perhaps this change in protocol (chuckle chuckle) will be just what we need.  Until then….you guessed it.  Waiting.

And I wait with some mighty nice acne, thank you VERY much, DHEA supplements.  As my husband said, I am beginning to look like a German Olympic swimmer (odd choice for a comparison, but I guess it does the job).  I’ve heard what these supplements can do to you—and yep.  They’re doing it.  Sweet.  Hopefully I have some clearing up before I need to see family on Thursday–don’t need to be thought of as Infertile AND Pimply.  Though a lot of it is disguised under clothing (yes.  it is THAT grody.)

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This weekend I had a few downs.  For no “good” reason(other than the overarching one, of course…). I didn’t hear any crappy results from anything, I’m not in any pain, nothing really should be bringing me down.  But I had another taste of The Fear.  I am very good at imaging worst-case scenarios.  I have conjured up scene after scene in my head about each of the upcoming holiday days, and what they may be like.  And in mind, they always hurt.  I don’t want to be pitied by people, but I don’t want things glossed over.  I don’t want to be a downer for the holiday spirits of celebratory family members and friends, but I also may not want to be celebrating myself.  Sometimes I feel like if I could just shut this sad part of me down, I could just be happy and joyful and not even think about it at all.  But then I think, why?  Why close down the sadness that always sits here in my heart?  It is part of my experiences these past few years.  Holidays always cause me to reflect a lot about the previous year.  I get ANGRY and SAD when I think about this past year in terms of fertility.  I want to shake someone or something, and ask why, why why.  I hate being jealous.  I hate being envious.  I hate being full of self-hatred–hatred for the fact that I have this problem, that I cost my husband so much monetarily because of this, that I have all that jealousy and envy and whymeness.  I want to curl up in a room with my husband and son, and just be with them, because they are the only ones that really get what it’s all about.  With the exception of this last converted cycle, I have always been a good responder.  A good fertilizer.  A good lining-grower.  Always made it to day fives, with some to freeze.  Annoying pause for a recap:  (Baby two, take one, was a fail ( that could be the odds.  Or the fever I had for 24 hours after the transfer).  Baby two, take two, was a miscarriage of twins (I had enough blood pooled in my abdomen post-retrieval to supply a local ER for a while, and then my body had to recover from that as well as nourish twins.  Coincidence, or…?)  Baby two, takes three and four (cancelled due to dr error, then failed FET).  Baby two, take five (converted to IUI) Baby two, take six (cancelled due to elevated FSH).  So why don’t I have that baby yet?  Even with my diagnosed issues, a baby should not be out of my reach.  Yet it feels like it is.  Now here is the scary part:  part of me thinks this is the one.  And that is really SCARY.  To let yourself think this may be the one.  To admit that you think this might be the one.  Because what happens if…?

I have found myself talking to God a lot these days.  Out loud, even.  I’ve mentioned before how my faith has certainly faltered, and I am nothing like the church-going, pious Catholic I once was.  But this past week, I have been having quite a few one-sided conversations with God.  Asking Him to please help relieve me of this sadness and this burden.  Asking Him to make sure He is certain I have the strength for another failure, if that is how it is going to end up.  But also, I have broken the Cardinal Prayer Rule–I’ve been asking for this cycle to be It.  I’ve asked Him to please, reflect on the hurt and sadness I’ve already experienced, and to take it into account going forward.  I’ve asked Him if He thinks the experiences of the past several years have led to me to a place He wants me to be, and now, finally, I am ready to be pregnant…For keeps.  I know God doesn’t “operate” that way, because there are a whole lot of terrifying, awful, sad, catastrophic things in this world that make my own hardships seem minute in comparison.  But I can’t help myself.  I am reaching for anything and everything, and I guess I kind of hope God will remember our old relationship, and take that into account.  I don’t know.  I know it is grasping at straws, but I am afraid that’s all I can do right now.

 My small, sweet family is the light of my life.  I know this so completely.  So please, God, help me leave the darkness behind.

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