Oh, bother.

Yesterday’s blood work revealed that my E2 was only 43.  After three nights of shots, only 43.  The nurse admitted that it was slightly low, but said that once the patch comes off (mine came off thursday evening) the number dips, and then should steadily increase.  I thought I was not concerned.  I did not obsess and Dr. G.oogle “three nights of stims E2 low EPP”.  At least, I didn’t do that until after I got home from a delish dinner in NYC…then I went wild.  After checking the stats of my cycle exactly two years ago, my E2 was over 300 after five nights of stims.  Same dose.  Can one’s level really rise that much in two days?  I am doubtful.  And now I am thinking…hmm…never did think about what if this one never even got off the ground!  Tomorrow I return for more b/w.  Hopefully the number is higher…but I do admit I am starting to feel some concern creep up.  OK, can’t be wasting my time here writing.  Have to instead go and do internet searches for my obsession du jour……….

Two nights of injections…check.

A little behind in the updating here…but I am full steam ahead.  Did the coculture, did the patch(es), did the Ganirelix x3, got a period, had some bloodwork and an ultrasound (gulp, about to fall off the reproductive cliff completely, AFC seemed to be just over half of what it was two years ago), and just finished injecting night #2 of 450 Follistim and 150 Menopur.  I forgot how much the latter burns…but I now have a new fave drug (that’s right, KK, me too) in the Follistim . It’s easy to load and the needle is is so tiny and sharp, it’s a delight to inject into my lower stomach!


So here we go.  Sigh.  I was kissing P and tucking him in, and thinking of the medical paraphernalia awaiting me at the dining room table…and I had such a surreal moment.  My son, this crazy, clever, loving, stubborn, (and quite often fresh these days) boy… he came to us…he is so much more than we ever could have dreamed of…and he too started as a box of needles, syringes and various vials.  And back then, in a dining room 3,000 miles away, I was sitting amongst those things, thinking, what if this doesn’t work AGAIN????  And here I am, pretty much exactly five years to the day I was doing that, and I am trying for my third child.  This marks my SEVENTH fresh ivf.  TWO FETs.  TWO IUIs.  (Some might call me crazy.  Yep, they’d be right.)  Will this cycle complete our family?  Or is it already complete?  It is much easier to be mindful, spiritual, and give it up to God this time, something I could not do either time before.  Maybe because before I thought, No WAY is this your plan.  No damn way.  I will not accept this plan of yours.  And now, I kind of think, OK, if this is the plan, I think maybe I can do this your way.  (disclaimer: I completely understand this is  (likely) not the way the Lord works.)


Next monitoring will be this Friday morning for some b/w.  Also…my TSH did drop a whole “point”, which is fab news, so tyvm, thyroid medication.  It is nice to know you can do what you are made to do.


This is It.  Don’t get scared now. (ten bucks if ya know what movie). 


Uterine culture next Thursday.  Start the priming/patch that Friday.  If all works accordingly afterwards, injections should begin the last weekend in January.  After a mishap with the med ordering and an incomplete protocol given by nurse (my steel trap mind made me question what she had told me…sure enough, I was right.  sigh.  It’s hard to be right all the time…), we are gearing up to go.  Here’s hoping…

Just waiting.

Today is day 8 of cycle, will begin to monitor for surge…tomorrow?   Hoping the surge does happen on the earlier side as the three-day-weekend ahead will only offer more waiting if I surge over the weekend.  The timeline for this Last and Final depends on where I fall on the elusive co-culture wait list; if I make it off the list, then the estrogen priming starts sometime around the 20th.  I think it is 9 days after surge…or something…I can probably reference my own post from two years earlier if need be, but I believe I have mentioned before I am a terrible luddite (I still have a “hotmail” address as my main email.  that should clue you in) and therefore I don’t know how to link to an earlier post.  But the gist is,  a patch every other day for likely three patches worth, then a “period”, then on day two of that, start shootin ‘er up.  And us high FSHers, we gets to get shot up good.  I will be indulging in the regular delights–menopur, gonal F and then ganirelix.  Ahhh, let the good times roll…(oh IVF…it’s just like riding a bike…a fcuked up, rusty, twisted handlebar, extra-hard-in-the-girl-parts-seat, missing-some-spokes, broken handbrake kind of a bike…)


Sidebar: I am realizing that I have it easy now–to be able to think about what might be, instead of two months down the road, when I may only be able to imagine what could have been…

The Beginning of the End

That’s such a loaded title, I know, but it is kind of how I am feeling right now.  For the second year in a row I was able to act like any old fertile person on NYE–I was thankful for the family I have, thankful for the blessings of another year gone, and hopeful for the new year to come.  I did not find myself crying in the shower or in the car or while folding laundry about unanswered prayers, wasted months and dollars, and an empty, sad heart.  But, unlike all the other fertile people–I also knew that this next year will mark the end of my chance to have another child.  And being realistic, I know that this fresh cycle in Jan or Feb will be my last true chance.  I can’t just think, oh, well, we’ll try and see when we get pregnant, and whenever that happens again, that will be just perfect for us.  I have really only one shot.  I want to hit fertile people over the head with this “concept”–when you can’t get pregnant by taking an ovulation test and then biblically lying with your husband, it really sucks.  My body’s ability to ovulate perfectly every month is also a mindfcuk, since I see it, know it, lay biblically (why the hell not?) and stupidly hope one superstar egg somehow didn’t disintegrate down the tube and a miracle happens. (With more failed IVFs than successes you think I would not be so stupid.  But I am.  That stupid.)


Okay, well this wasn’t supposed to go in THAT direction.  I guess I have so many emotions, knowing I have Just One More Chance.  (yes, we will use all the frozen embryos we have.  no, I don’t have much hope they give me a baby.)  I am guessing that over these next few months it will be a messy messy place, both here and in my head, as I try to come to terms with my body making the choice to “finish” my family before I make the choice with my head or my heart…damn you again, infertility.  I know that on my deathbed I won’t look back and curse the 6-7 years of my life I struggled with this–but right now, I curse it.  I know in years down the road this will all be just another chapter in the story of my life, but since I am still writing said chapter currently, it seems like a pretty big freaking deal.


Aaaaaanyyyyway…today is Day One of my cycle…which means I left a gajillion messages at Cor.nell for the nurses, coculture “arranger”, HSG coordinator, etc.  I should hopefully receive a flurry of return calls tomorrow, and then find out sometime soon if I am going ahead with everything this month, or if I am stuck on the coculture waitlist and therefore bounced to next month.  Either way, the coincidences are too scary.  If I cycle this month, my beta week would be somewhere around where it was with P.  And if I cycle next month, it would be around where it was with A.  I hate coincidences, because I always try to read into them.


Happy 2012 to anyone who still comes over to read my story.  I truly hope this is a year of joy, gratitude, and happy endings for us all.