According to my head doc, T and I deserve about a billion “gold stars” for our communication this past week, with each other as well as with others. In light of some pretty interesting “situational changes”, I do give myself a B+. Hell, maybe even an A-. I kicked some ass as far as “coping” goes this week. And I ain’t afraid to give myself a lil shout-out here. So there. I shouted.
Today is day 15, for all of you concerned about my cycle progression (ok, for me. I’ll write it for me…) And for all of you interested…we did, as usual, try our damndest this time around the “way nature intended.” And man. It’s tiring. It’s especially tiring when you know your chances are less than a percentage point, but it’s like the NY Lotto–you can’t win it if you ain’t in it. But I don’t play lotto. I do, however, apparently play lotto with my baby-making chances.
I guess right now, amidst all that is going on around me, my life is rather still where fertility is concerned, as I just wait and hope that I get my period, as I wait and hope that my FSH is low, as I wait and hope that I get this in before we lose the insurance at the end of ’09…and then I get to wait and hope that the shots produce follicles, that the follicles produce eggs, that the eggs fertilize, that the eggs transfer…you know the routine. I’m not going to lie and say I’m happy we added some more worry on the front-end of the process, but this is what it is.
I never did write this next part, but I intended to, so here it is now. When we were at the zoo last week, I saw a family up ahead that made me stop in my tracks, catch my breath, and then poke T in the side. The son was about 10 or 11, dirty blond hair, looking much like his mom. The daughter was about 6 or so, and she was Korean. I just stopped. And stared. And welled up. And thought to myself, I could do that. That could be my family. And I could be happy with that family. I would be happy with that family. Apparently this moment of clarity, or whatever, earned me yet another gold star from the head-doc. While I am NOT ready to throw away my Sharps container (I have waaaaay too many unused needles still, and I need to hear when it’s ”the end” from some professionals before I give up), I am starting to see that I will be a mom again. Someday. Clearly not on my timetable. Clearly not on my husband’s. Clearly not on my doctor’s or even our bank account’s. I will have to cheerlead others through their own pregnancies as I still work towards and yearn for and wait for my own. I will have to listen/see others act as though they think they know what this is like for me, all the while knowing they don’t have a fecking clue. But someday. There will be another child among these walls, and I will love that child deeply and completely, always mindful of the journey that led me to that new life.
4 Comments, Comment or Ping
I’ve had moments, like yours. I’ve even poked my head into adoption more than once, but the looong timeline scared me. If only I had listened to myself years ago. But then again, I never expected after 5 years, I’d still be chasing the same dream.
In the last 24 hours I’ve rethought every scenario that I wished I could do over. As weird as it seems, every “end” along my own path has led me to a new beginning down another. Right now, I don’t even know where my next path will appear… but I have faith that I will find the way. You will too.
October 29th, 2009
I think it’s good your doc is waiting for your FSH to be low before starting IVF. My doc doesn’t believe in that.
It’s difficult to give up on your own genetics. That is a grieving process, and when you are ready, if it comes to that, you’ll know when it’s time. I know I’m not there yet myself.
October 31st, 2009
Ugh. When did sex get so EXHAUSTING?? We’ve been playing the lotto lately too, and it’s weird to be back in that game.
Good for you for your gold stars. Those moments of clarity are so revitalizing.
Here’s to good FSH numbers!
November 2nd, 2009
I member the days of “acrobats”, they are long gone for us! But you are so right it IS exhausting! I also remember after my last tube was removed and we uh, you know, we both laughed afterwards, saying now its juts for fun, no more timing, just for fun. What a moment you had at the zoo. I am so far away from feeling that way, I shouldn’t be but I still am. I still hope for 2010 to be our year girl. xoxoxoxox
November 2nd, 2009
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