June 5th, 2012
Beta Drops, So Does My Heart…
Dramatic, I know. But sometimes it hits me like a FRIGGIN TON OF BRICKS that I had an almost-pregnancy, that I have ONE MORE CHANCE TO USE MY OWN GENETIC MATERIAL and possibly only ONE MORE CHANCE TO BE A NEW MOM AGAIN.
This weekend it hit me like two friggin tons of bricks. I had a new nephew born, and while I love love loved seeing all the new baby pictures of my brother’s son, I was saddened somewhere deep inside, knowing I may not ever know that again. And by may, I mean probably. I then also was going through things for a garage sale (we may or may not be making a North-to-South move in the next year) and I was crushed by a sea of baby things–things I bought for/registered for when I was pregnant with P, saved through the dark times trying for A…and now I may be getting rid of it all? Oh sigh. And cry. And be so fcuking pissed sometimes that PEOPLE CAN HAVE SEX AND GET PREGNANT. Okay, I am not pissed they can get pregnant. Rah rah, happy for ‘em. But why the FRICK can’t I?? That’s more the thing. I don’t begrudge those who CAN–I begrudge my own disability to CAN-NOT.
Blech…………
(BUT, beta was down to 26 last week, so hoping to get a lower number this week, reach zero, get a period in a week or so, and then BAM! bang out my last FET. Summer fun, let it roll….)