Table for one, please.

I had the need to write tonight.  A lot has been going on in life beyond infertility…but in the end, it all comes back to this, doesn’t it.  And after a short spat with T, I blurted out something that has been buried somewhere for a while, that apparently I’ve been hiding or covering up or ignoring…


I don’t think I am ever going to have another child.


I am afraid that adoption will not work out.  I am afraid that it will  fall apart at the crucial moment (and we’ve only just received the application).  I am afraid that the next fertility treatments will not work.  Actually, I am already feeling like they will fail.  Yet for some insane reason, I’m going for an HSG on Friday, and I’m on the waiting list for the coculture for this cycle.  Why all of this if I don’t have the faith?  Perhaps maybe I want to just get everything done–the next IVF cycles, the adoption paperwork and procedures, and when it all fails, I can know that I did what I could to have a family…and then I can take the time to mourn what will never be.  I have said over and over again that I KNOW for certain I will have more children…but the thing is, I don’t.  I am so afraid to get hopeful for another child, no matter the route, and that once I feel that hope again, it will be the same end-result we have been experiencing over the past few years.  

Suck ass place to be, if you ask me.  So.  You probably don’t want to pull up a chair.  It’s not a pretty night ’round these parts.

Hope for the Hopeless…?

I stole that from a verse from a song we used to sing in church back in college…and while I don’t feel hopeless, I don’t feel HopeFUL at this current juncture.  Over the past week, we have met with a private adoption attorney to learn about private domestic adoptions, we have explored a bit more the potential to adopt from South Korea, and yesterday we met with Dr IVF down at Corn.ell.  So I am befuddled and beside myself with all the emotions that come with all this exploration.  Bear with me as I sort it out…


1. Domestic adoption:  It was good to learn about it all.  And while there were no surprises for me, I know there were for T.  He really didn’t know the half of it, and now has a better understanding.  It is not something he really wishes to pursue, but will do so if we find it is our one option.  The idea of our child being able to find out about his/her birthmom later on scares him, as does the idea of any kind of open adoption, however broad or narrow that might be.  But it was helpful to learn the lengths of time for things to happen, costs, laws, etcetera.

2. Korea: still T’s go-to for adoption.  He likes the anonymity of it all, as well as the improbability of a birth mother “backing out” at the final hour.  We haven’t met with anyone about this particular path yet, but it something we plan to do in the next few weeks, as we continue to explore.  I’m all for doing what he is most comfortable with, although I have let him know the timing for international varies greatly from a self-propelled private adoption.

3. Dr IVF:  Liked him.  A lot.  Will be pursuing treatment with him.  He went over my records in great detail both without us and with us, and was well informed at our meeting.  Do you know, that over time, we have transferred EIGHTEEN embryos, with three total implanting, with ONE total going to term?  Some odds.  He agrees that my embryos look very good, that I respond well to the meds (a high dose, true, but that my FSH does NOT seem to be hindering our progress overall).  He ran additional blood panels yesterday (seventeen vials for me, five for T–guess who was the one who almost passed out?  Ah, men…), and recommends I have another HSG after my next period.  My last saline ultrasound in April of 09 had demonstrated some irregularities on the top of the uterus, but my previous doctor didn’t think it was anything of significance, and said it was likely residual from the d&c…but this new Dr wants to make certain of that.  He also suggested we return slightly to the protocol I did years ago in California–the second of which I conceived P.  This would mean a day three over a day five transfer.  His reason: although we did have SOME luck with day fives…ultimately, the day three gave me my son.  His new protocol rec (providing the blood panels and hsg are normal, therefore eliminating the need for a hematologist or a surgery) includes estrogen priming with ganirelix, a decrease of the LH meds (menopur) and an increase of the FSH one ( Gonal F).  Back in CA I was on 450 Gonal F and 150 Menopur…here I was on 300 of each.  He wants to bring back the old mix.  Also, we will likely do the co-culture.  He doesn’t specifically recommend it, but he doesn’t NOT recommend it.  Apparently, this protocol is for people who have crappy looking embryos (which we don’t) or no embryos (which we don’t), but he doesn’t believe there will be ANY harm in doing it, and while he can’t say it will be helpful, he says “It couldn’t hurt.”  Also, no bcps.  Estrogen priming and right to stims after that.  Apparently, this path leaves little chance of an elevated FSH and a cancelled cycle even before it starts…which is a breath of fresh air for me.  I hate it when it’s over before it’s over.


So that’s that.


I feel like I should be all happy and hopeful right now–but I’m kind of apathetic (thanks for finding that word for me, J).  Of course I want to be hopeful, and in some way I must be, as I plan to go forward with this…but in other ways, I am just kind of bitter and…apathetic.  I was so so sad a few weeks ago, but still had hope for future tries.  For some reason, now, I don’t feel as hopeful.  Was I expecting a Magic Potion from Dr IVF?  No…not exactly.  Maybe a more clear-cut path…or better reasoning for trying new things (the “it worked this way before” reason doesn’t provide me much comfort…as it also DIDN’T work before).  But this Dr is everything my old one wasn’t…and for that I am grateful.  Perhaps as time moves on the hope will come back, as we get closer to a go-date…but right now, I guess I am so guarded against it.  I am trying to just enjoy my one true miracle (I ALWAYS ALWAYS hated it when people said that about P before…but now…I see the truth in it) every day that I can.  I am trying not to let others’ situations and babies and pregnancies alter my state of mind…and I am just continuing to move forward, one day at a time.