A new day, an old protocol

After a quick visit up to the doctor this morning, I received my sheet that “projects” where we go this cycle.  I’ll be starting the pill tomorrow providing the bloodwork comes back normal(ish!) this afternoon.  I’ll stay on it for just about two weeks (Oct 12) and then after that will start with the microdose lupron, and then three days later add the stim shots (same as before–300gonal F, 400 Menopur).  The past three fresh cycles with this doctor I have used the antagonist Ganirelix, but now he wants to try the flare.  This pretty much mirrors the protocol I used with my first two IVFs back in California in 06/07–although then I was shooting up the entire 450 of Gonal F.  I recall that I produced a lesser number of eggs than I have on the antagonist (save for this last busted-converted cycle), but I’m glad for the slight change, in hopes that my body responds differently (read: better).  Of course, there were two cysts that looked like canteloupes on the screen, but were apparently 15mm and 12mm, and my doctor thinks they will be gone by the time I go in for my next baseline on Oct 15th.


If all goes well, I will be retrieving and transfering almost exactly when I did for my very first IVF in 2006 (failed, but let’s not harp on that…).  And hopefully the retrieval will be before Halloween and the transfer well after, so I can get to take my (soon to be!) two-year old “mealmean” (mailman) around to trick-or-treat.  But as my husband wondered aloud if he needed to cancel a business luncheon on the 29th–I reminded him that we can’t count on anything going “as planned” when it comes to this nebulous situation that IS infertility.


A new day.  An old protocol.  New hope. 


I found a few cliches the other day that I want to embrace for this upcoming cycle.  Normally, I hate cliches.  I was the first teacher to draw a huge red line through a student’s essay that used a cliche to bolster a point.  Cliches are used when there is nothing else to use.  You know what?  That sounds about right for me right now.  So I’ll give it a shot (just don’t tell any former students).


  • you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have
  • If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own
  • When a heart breaks it also opens
  • Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.
  • With love and patience, nothing is impossible.

  • A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps


And a post-script:  please keep my sil in your thoughts and prayers–that she and her husband continue to receive good news about their pregnancy.  I wish them days of excitement and joy from here on out…yay, baby!




Day One (???)

It has been an interesting past couple of days.  I have some good news to post–J is pregnant!  Congratulations are in order.  It seems she was right after all–the universe would not be harsh to both sisters!  We are so happy for them–their dream has come true.  And in other news, it seems I had a chemical pregnancy.  Slightly positive tests for days–and then the bleeding started yesterday.  Honestly, I don’t count that as a pregnancy.  Who knows, maybe I am STILL holding onto the hcg from a trillion days ago???  Dr doesn’t think that is likely though.  I don’t even want to Google the actual definition of a chem preg or what the cause is–I just want the very low beta to fall a bit more so that I can start this cycle as scheduled.  The doctor’s office seems to have hope that I will be able to go ahead as planned.


Needless to say, there are two families separated by a whole lot of miles going through something completely different right now.  I couldn’t help but think that last night…how jealous I was of J’s state of mind while falling asleep, versus what mine was.  That I was so happy they were feeling that joy–but I was so sad I wasn’t feeling that for myself.  And then.  I voiced this to my husband.  Big mistake.  Stupid, stupid me.  Huge fight ensued.  Of epic proportions.  I wound up on the floor of my closet, sobbing, refolding the same clothes over and over again.  I won’t write the things he said to me in his anger and frustration, but  a) I woke up with eyes that looked they were slammed with a baseball bat (I swear, they weren’t) and b) I placed a call to a therapist this morning and will be trying out a new outlet for the pain of this journey.  We have since reconciled (as best as a couple can who have completely different views on how to handle infertility, how to handle pain or sorrow, how to handle anger, and how to express emotion) but I know that we are not making ourselves any stronger as a couple by continuing to have these episodes.  And now, I am more alone on this journey than before–so I will need some support (ok, paid support, but maybe that’s the best kind!) as I move forward.


So day one it is.

silly girl.

I didn’t admit this to anyone yesterday–no one at all–but I tested yesterday morning.  9dpiui and 11dp trigger shot.  There were two lines.  For twenty-four hours I was able to live in that blissful “well, maybe…” world that I seem to so often skip over because my period-symptoms come so friggin soon.  I let myself just BE and enjoy–I didn’t feel too many cramps or pulls or whatever yesterday–and was that nausea I was feeling in the afternoon?  Over the course of the day, I thought about how cool it would be if I got back on here in a few days and had to sheepishly admit that I was wrong, that I WAS indeed one of Those People, and I had a great, inconceivable story to tell.  Fear not, I knew in the back of my mind that this was probably still the trigger, even though in the past it has been gone after 8 or 9 days…but I let myself dream.  It felt nice.

Today, only a nutcase-pee-stick-reader such as myself could see the verrrrrry light line that is almost a mirage in that little window.

Lessons learned:

1. trust the symptoms.  I.just.know.  The stick don’t know jack.

2. it was kind of neat to feel that day of hope and possibility.  So in the end, I really don’t regret yesterday.

For J (aka sil)

Hearing my sil go through the insanity of her first IVF 2-week-wait brings back the memories, even if my memories of that first one are kind of muddled now (too many 2-week-waits on this end!)  Of course, we all know it REALLY isn’t two weeks…because it takes a person with waaay more self-discipline than I possess to wait out two weeks until a blood test.  I firmly believe NO ONE should have to hear bad news they weren’t certain was coming over the phone from a nurse…and while it does take away some of the awesomeness of a great-news-surprise…who gives a crap about that part.  If I am pregnant again, ever, I want to know assoonaspossible, and not one beta-point longer.

So let’s reflect in one lump of thought–for that is how our minds go anyway as we wait it out. 


 crap.  there is that twinge.  is that a pregnancy twinge or a period twinge?  is that a PIO side-effect or really a sign of a growing embryo in my uterus?  are my boobs really sore or are they sore because I keep poking them and smooshing them and twisting them? or are they sore from the PIO?  or from the trigger shot?  Am I feeling nausea?  or is that just nausea because I am so nervous about this all?  is that line from my trigger?  is that line from the BABY?  is THAT stabbing twisting pain a sure sign or not anything sure at all?  Am I tired from growing a baby or tired from CRAZILY GOING OVER ALL THESE SYMPTOMS LIKE A NUTCASE?  Is my husband going to drop-kick me off the deck(balcony, window, etc) for updating him ever three seconds when I change my mind about what a particular symptom means?


Oh, my dear J.  You are simply now doing what every.single.other.woman has done when she has gone through this.  You are not alone.  You feel like it, because these are YOUR symptoms.  But we all do know the struggle and the uncertainty and the what-ifs that zoom through your mind at 100 miles an hour, every other second.  But the time will pass.  You will find out soon.  It brings us back to the “hurry up and wait” theme.  And it is just insane.  But the Sisterhood of the Fertility-Challenged are there with you.  We’ve walked in your (probably very cute and trendy) shoes.  And you will soon be at the end of this journey, hopefully calling me obscenely early because you couldn’t hold your pee anymore that morning and you saw the glorious second line and you already hugged and kissed your husband, and you wanted me to be a part of the Pee Party.


I love you.  Hang in there.  Keep making me so proud to call you Sister.

Having a day.

And it’s only 8:30.  Sad that at 7dpiui I am so confident that I will not be pregnant this time.  Sad that I can’t stop the progresterone because it’s too early to know for certain, according to my doctor  (newsflash, doc: I’ve done this a lot of times.  I know EXACTLY when the moment is to determine if it worked or not. That moment has passed).  Sad that I will be doing IVF again.  Sad that I have begun looking more closely at adoption websites for information–that was not how I thought I was going to build a family.  I am not one of those people who says that I have been called to adoption or that adoption is the way God wants me to have my family–besides, I know too many people who have said that line when they have had problems getting pregnant, but then seem to “forget” their “calling” once they find out they may have other options…so I’ve said I would never say those things.  I do believe it is a noble, difficult and tremendous undertaking, and I will look more into the possiblity as time goes on.  There is so much to consider on that front, and am I strong enough to do it?  Am I good enough to do it?  I don’t want to delve too much further into the topic right now–its too deep and muddled at the moment and probably I’m not thinking my clearest.

I’m just having a sad day.  I miss the feeling of hope today.  I don’t like to feel so jaded.  It sucks.  This weekend I cried a)when watching Glee (we had saved them all up) and they all started to sing the Journey song.  Cried.  Silly girl.  and b) when we were in a store and P saw an infant car carrier and kept pointing to the empty seat saying, Baby! Baby! Baby!  I took it as a metaphor as to my own emptiness for a baby.  He should be pointing to his baby brothers soon–not an empty carseat.   Maybe my good friend hope will find me later on.  I have to hope she will, right?

So, we’re not “that” story

The unquestionable non-pregnant cramps have hit this morning.  (One of the) annoying things about this is that it seems as though my body doesn’t even give anything a CHANCE in there.  I mean, implantation wouldn’t even be happening for a few more days, yet my uterus is already shouting HEY! HEY YOU! I’m getting ready to do my thing (in a week) but thought I’d let you know in advance!  Thanks for playing!

At least it’s Friday…

Just a few things

Just a few thoughts to jot down for your/my viewing pleasure…

  1. Brach’s mellowcream pumpkins are ridiculous.  I am so glad they don’t have them for sale year-round, or I would be orange.  Already downed a bag since tuesday.  Perhaps they are to blame for the Halloween-like protrusion that has emerged on my chin.  I should paint my face green, grab my broomstick, and head out for a ride…
  2. Today I am feeling particularly thankful and in love with my friendswhodon’treallygetwhatinfertilityislikebutaremybiggestcheerleaders.  I have two friends in particular who are specTACular at this.  One lives near, one lives far.  Both have small children.  Both conceived BAM! right out the gate.  But both are so generous with their ears, their heart, and just their positive energies.  Sometimes it is hard because I want to BE them, and be in their fertile situation–but mostly, I am just so thankful that these friends care so much about me.  Actually, since I am not very private about all of this (I’m an over-sharer.  So I’ve been told), I have a lot a supportive friends, with and without child, young, old, etcetera etcetera.  But M and K…you rock my world (if you ever somehow read this…)
  3. Today I was saying that it would be so awesome to get pregnant off of this IUI cycle because “I deserve this.”  And then…I thought…what??? What does that MEAN?  Why do I deserve this more than the next person?  There is no “level of deserving” when it comes to IF…I am no more “deserving” of a sweet baby than the next person (well, ok, I am more deserving than a crackhead, maybe.)  But really.  No one derserves a baby.  I don’t deserve–I desire.  Huge difference to keep in mind.
  4.  Good luck tomorrow, sil.  I love you so much.  You are stronger than you ever thought you could be–but I’ve known all along that you had this strength.

It’s nice to not be freaking out

A slight silver lining…I am not being a nut, analyzing every cramp, twinge, pull, etc.  Because it is way too early to be feeling anything.  After the 5dt, I can usually tell by two days later if my period feels like it is starting.  Here, I am only two days past (fake) ovulation, so the usual AF cramps wouldn’t start for a few more days anyhow.  So I can blissfully live my life, not thinking about it at all, really.  I guess that is due to the diminished level of hope I am required to have in this particular scenario.  So while I won’t say that this is a blessing, or any other bullcrap that people who don’t know what else to say like to say…I will at least be comfortable right NOW that I am not feeling particularly anything, and I can just wait another week (or two or three days, if the AF cramping starts.  I am not one of those people who say “It felt EXACTLY like AF coming! ” For me, there are completely different feelings for pregnancy and then not-a-pregnancy) And since I am only at day 16, I imagine I won’t start feeling like it’s on its way until Saturday. (Yes, I’m usually informed by my uterus well in advance what she is planning on doing a week down the line.)


On a very happy note:  Sisterinlaw has made it to fertilization!  And they’re growing well!  So let’s keep growing, little guys.  (Here I must honestly and openly admit, even though I know SIL is going to read this, (hi! love you! keep resting up!) that while I want them to have a pregnancy so so so so so so so so badly, it will be hard for me if they see two heartbeats.  Why is two harder than one?  No idea.  But it will be, I know it.  Maybe because I’ll miss mine all the more?  Hard to say.  Will I be happy for them?  Absoeffinlutely.  But since this is my blog where I’ve been completely open and raw, can’t hold that back and make myself into a phony person that I am not…) 


 In the meantime, I will just keep rooting for her cells to keep growing and dividing, growing and dividing…

Back on the Hope Wagon (sorta).

Oh Miley, you screwed with me again.  On my drive to CT for my IUI (approx 37-38 hrs post-Hcg) this morning…the song came on just as I was getting off the exit…

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there’s a voice inside my head saying
“You’ll never reach it”

Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I’m not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going


My apologies for any copyright infringements, MC.  And I was relieved to note that the song was not penned by a 16 year old who is just starting out in life…


Anyway.  That got me nice and teary for the rest of the drive.  But it also gave me strength.  While doing the insemination, Dr. Dubs was a tad more talkative than he usually is (“We’ve seen stranger things happen.  People have gotten pregnant off of cancelled IVFs here.  Sperm count was good (40 mil post-wash).  We’ll just have to see.”)  Usually, Dubs is more non-commital and much more mute when we’re in the room together–and he also had the nurse call me later to tell me to come get some progest. supps.  I will definitely keep some hope.  But just a teeny-tiny some.  I was smart enough not to ask him our “odds”–how can he possibly give odds for an IUI-turned-IVF with anywhere from three to six follicles at last count four days ago?  Even I know better than that.  He was also GREAT in that he did tell me (unprompted) that if/when I get my period, I would go on the pill for just a short time and start stims around the 16th/17th of October.  Well that’s not so far away, I can make it til then.  And since my ovaries wouldn’t be stressed from producing so many follicles or from the retrieval (which is apparently where the concern lies–as if I didn’t know that already, tyvm abdominal blood-pool from January!) there would not be reason to wait if all looked clear up there.

Now I am going to just go clean up the jelly smeared halfway across the hardwoods in the dining room, and then have a little rest.  It was a long weekend.  What I wouldn’t give for a good run right now…

Where did the perspective go?

Friday: I was dealing with it.

Saturday: I was dealing with it (and very very well, I might add).

Sunday: I’m not.  I want to give up.  I want to stop this madness.  The toll on my marriage, on my life…this has all been so big.  Too too many challenges in the last ten years.  I don’t think I’m tough enough.  I don’t think I have the strength.  I just want to curl up and make the pain and the anger and the sadness go away right now.  I want the innocence back.  I want all those things that can’t happen because this is Life and not a book or a Lifetime movie…

But I also want my baby.