I.V.Effed: No Sex, No Lies, and No Videotape

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/11/health/11fertility.html

The cover of today’s New York Times (a paper I never read, and now I recall why) has an article about the risks of IVF.  While the article itself seems to just look at the repercussions of multiple-embryo transfers on society (meaning, an increased risk of twins and the complications that arise there for the mother as well as healthcare companies that foot the bill for some of these complications), the comments left online by some readers are completely and utterly disturbing.  I want to cry.  I want to crash my computer against the hard tile floor.  I want to scream and shout and personally go and find these ignorant jerks (I have so many more names in my head right now) who are classifying women such as myself as greedy, immoral, neanderthal, unacceptable, selfish and self-centered.  The number of people who commented that people who cannot get pregnant should “just adopt” or should “look into foster care” is incredible.  One commenter even compared doing IVF treatments with getting a puppy from a “puppy mill” versus going to the pound. 

Why are there so many stupid people?  Ignorant, ignorant bastards.  I take this so personally.  I will admit, that I am not 100% sure how I feel about insurance companies paying for these procedures.  In our case, it is a blessing that has taken some of the burden off of us, and has allowed me to add acupuncture and other assistances to the process.  If we did not have some coverage, we wouldnt have made it this far.  But then again, if it is not covered at all, wouldn’t IVF be exclusively a “rich person” thing?  Only the wealthier can create a family this way?  And along that line, we all know very well that adoption is not cheap.  It can run almost double what an IVF cycle would run.  So couples with less access to money cannot do IVF OR adopt?  So they should not have ANY means by which to have a family?  Give me a freaking break.  Assholes.

I am so worked up right now that my heart is palpitating and I’m afraid to go and run any errands for fear of what I may be like behind the wheel.  There is so much more I want to say about this topic, about the comments, and about just how low, how despicable, how pathetic, and just plain BAD I now feel about myself and what I am trying to do.   I don’t know what that says about me, that I am so affected by these comments from people I don’t even know–but I guess it makes me think there are people out there who know me, and know what we have gone through, and probably think we are wrong.  Then again, most people that know us and truly care about us, have asked detailed questions about the procedures and our feelings and our decisions–and I have never felt judged (well, a few times maybe.  But that was before similar issues arose for those folks, and they wound up in comparable situations.  Irony abounds…)

Anyway.  I just wanted to vent about this somewhere…and now that I have, I will get up, take a few deep breaths, and think of my little man sleeping in his room right now. A million NYT readers could show up at my door, spit in my face for what I have done and what I continue to do, and it wouldnt matter.  Because I have so much gratitude for the son I have, and for the way he was conceived.  Nothing can change that or take that away.

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Last night was just an easy, wowispilledalotofbackgroundstuff type of appointment.  There were a few things that I gained from the session that I’ll share with the Infertile World, because they definitely helped me realize I am not alone in my feelings towards infertility (not that I really think I am alone, obviously there are many people who go through this and now there are some of you going through this “with” me, but you know what I mean).

1. Dark, selfish thoughts are normal.  It’s normal to begrudge the pregnant ones, the fertile ones, the ones who currently or previously have/had what we want.  Infertility is a huge umbrella that casts a complete shadow over everything.  It can seem like “everyone but me” sometimes–and sometimes, maybe it is.  It doesn’t mean we don’t love our own life, or that we don’t realize the bounty of blessings we have been given in so many aspects–but those blessings do not make this one issue any easier to cope with.

2. It would be easier to deal with infertility if there was a clear “end-game” somewhere down the line.  If I knew that in one year, or two years, I would be pregnant.  Or if I could see that I could be happy with another sort of “resolution” to this situation.  That is what makes it so hard to live in the now, to enjoy the day to day, because it is not certain when or even IF I will be pregnant again.  It is most certainly easier to live through any sort of crisis when the end is in sight, no matter how far away that end might be.  Infertility is not a guaranteed “temporary” situation.  That is why it is scary and sad and overwhelming.  That is why sometimes it feels like we are banging our heads against a brick wall, again and again.  If I were to think about other challenging or unfortunate scenarios, even if they are pretty damn bad, all might have that “end game” component–and infertility just doesn’t.

3. People who say that I should be happy to have my current son, and “at least you have P” are just people who don’t know any better.  Some women (me) define themselves by the role of motherhood.  Some don’t, and have careers that are important, or other parts of their life that make them who they are.  I know I have some of those things too, but the one “career” that I long for is Motherhood.  And I am not complete if I had to acknowledge that my current son will completely fill that role.  I WANT to be the mom that perhaps some more (forgive my lack of a better word here)  ”liberal” woman would mock–I WANT to be defined by my family role.  I crave and yearn for that.  And it is ok.  I know my husband would be satisfied with his life if we galloped off into the sunset as a healthy family of three, but I would not be.  I have an emptiness still (interesting to note that therapist commented that 99% of men have the same feelings as my husband, while many wives have the same feelings I do.  When I recapped the session to T last night, it was clear that he doesn’t understand in the LEAST what I am talking about–but I will give him credit for listening to what I had to share).

4. The very best thing anyone could ever say to anyone who has had a miscarriage(s), or has had countless failed ART cycles, etc is something to the effect of,  ”I can’t even begin to imagine how this feels for you. I am so sorry.”  Because really, they can’t.  And that’s okay–but to come up with other not-so-sage sympathies or advice is actually more detrimental than helpful.  I am going to try to embrace those words for when I am interacting with others who are dealing with crises–I most certainly do not know the extent of their hurt and their pain, and it needs to be acknowledged as such.

All in all, some nice lessons learned.  And there is definitely something to be said for learning from a highly educated woman (whom, it turns out, suffered from “secondary” infertility (crap phrase, crap phrase) for eight years until she conceived her second).  And many thanks to the advice I received yesterday from some folks–I placed a call to the new acu center earlier and will hopefully set something up for next week.

1 Comment | In: October 09 | | #

Yep.  I’m a nutjob.  I am EXCITED for my trip to the head-doc this evening.  Probably because a)it is the only 30 minutes a week I am alone in the car and b)someone is being paid to listen to everything and anything I want to say about infertility.  And even life in general.  The only downside is this…I’m in the “good place” still–just waiting for the cycle to start, still having nice hope that all may work out and I find myself pregnant in early November…so the sessions are really just prep work, to be ready to handle The Next Great Catastrophe that may blow our way.

I have a few questions to throw out there to other fellow infertiles who use the world wide web (warning: questions are completely (self) centered around my upcoming cycle): 

1. Anyone ever do a microdose lupron where you start the lupron only two days before you start the stims?  I did lupron back in the day, and I am fairly certain it was lupron-only for at least ten days, and then we added the stim drugs.  Is this some newer technique, where I go right from the pill to the lupron to the stims?

2. Anyone do any research on fresh wheatgrass v frozen?  Or the “proper quantity” to help boost fertility?  I can totally taste the difference between the fresh v frozen…and I have upped my one-shot to a double-shot every morning…I always tend to think more is better (well, except for eye makeup and the number of bridesmaids in a wedding party), costing me five bucks a day to support my habit.  Yowzahs.  (And that doesn’t factor in my morning coffee either!)  Fertile people must be so rich. 

3. Regarding my acupuncturist:  I like her.  And I paid in advance for ten sessions last cycle (read: flushed 7 of them down the toilet with a cancelled ivf), thus I have three left with her that have already been paid for.  HOWEVER.  While I like her as a person and I feel comfortable with her, I’m not so sure she’s The One (neither is my RE though, so, there’s some food for my own thought…).  When I did acu back in Cali for my cycles there, the practitioner (is that what they’re called?) seemed to have extensive knowledge about fertility and acupuncture.  She warmed stones, burned certain herbs, and never did I cringe when I needle went in.  (oh! also, there were these amazing heatpads for your shoulders/neck…ahhhhh, I lived for those…)  Now, I always feel the needles going in, and I don’t know if I am just being paranoid, or if I am not getting “the same thing” out of it as I did back at my old place.  (for the record, neither one of these women are even remotely genetically connected to the Eastern World). 

A friend recently gave me the name of a new practitioner with whom a friend of hers had success–and though this woman would be a)new b)much more expensive c)a bit further away….do I move over to this new place for this next cycle?  Do I shake it up a bit?  This new acu is almost exclusively fertility-focused (she’s at a women’s health center, for crimeny’s sake).  Or shall I stay loyal to where I have three “credits” and just go with what I know?  (writing this question out…really helps me see what the answer should be…) 

And now, in (a completely unrelated) conclusion…just to rub it in…I have the MOST DELICIOUS smelling pot on a low low simmer right now as I make some homemade chicken soup.  Yes, fall has arrived here at our house.

2 Comments | In: October 09 | | #

Foibles!  You gave me an award! I am touched.  I kind of figured there’s maybe 12 or 13 people out there (three I know IRL…)who stop by and read what ever I have to bitch about each week…but then I saw the link to your site on my dashbd…and who wouldda thunk YOU awarded ME with something so neat and sweet? 

It seems this award comes with some rules, and I am v v v v new at this kind of thing, so forgive me if I mess up.  Oh, and also I don’t know how to make little links to people’s blogs in my own blog.  Guess I’ll be learning right about now…

 Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word! (K.)
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers (I dont have six.  Will pass along to those I do follow though…)
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!  (How??? I  may just have to mention them in the blog and hope they come across it like I did for my own lil award…)
4. Have Fun! (will do!)

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone?  HERE

2. Your hair? DIRTY

3. Your mother? FLORIDA

4. Your father? INTENSE

5. Your favorite food? BAGELS

6. Your dream last night?  WEIRD

7. Your favorite drink? COFFEE

8. Your dream/goal? FAMILY

9. What room are you in? KITCHEN

10. Your hobby? MANY

11. Your fear? DYING

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? CONTENT

13. Where were you last night? BED

14. Something that you aren’t? WRINKLELESS

15. Muffins? PLEASE!

16. Wish list item? BABY

17. Where did you grow up? EAST

18. Last thing you did? SIPPED

19. What are you wearing? JEANS

20. Your TV? ON

21. Your pets? NONEXISTENT

22. Friends? BLESS(INGS)

23. Your life? BLESS(ED)

24. Your mood? CALM

25. Missing someone? ALWAYS

26. Vehicle? MESSY

27. Something you’re not wearing? MAKEUP

28. Your favorite store? TARGET

29. Your favorite color? NONE

30. When was the last time you laughed?  JUST

31. Last time you cried?  YESTERDAY

32. Your best friend? LAUGHTER

33. One place that I go to over and over? GROCERY

34. One person who emails me regularly? MOM

35. Favorite place to eat? DEN!

I (drumroll…..) nominate the following blogs :

Right back at ya, Lu:    fertilityfoibles.blogspot.com (lame?  naaaahhh.  you made me smile today!)

Cathy at Seekingsibling.wordpress.com

Shelli at bagmomma.blogspot.com

Jessica at jessicaaprice.blogspot.com

Here’s hoping this Spreading of Blogger-love connects a few more of us out there….

2 Comments | In: October 09 | | #

About a month ago, there was a span of time of three weeks or so that I thought I was 33.  Alas, I am 32.  When I had that revelation that I was actually younger than I had been thinking…what a nice surprise!  Of course, none of this really means anything as far as the stockpile of eggs in my diminishing reserve…but it was nice to remember that I’m not completely ancient.  I still have a small chance of being “with child” before I turn 33 next summer.  And really, all I want is one more.  Just one.  Just one more little face to kiss and diapers to change and a little guy to watch grow from a newborn to…a not-so-newborn.  I am sure if that dream ever comes true, I may still try again.  But really, I know right now I could live a happy life with two children.  Not the three of four I have always dreamed of before IF became a part of my life, but two.  A brother for P.  I’d even take a sister for him…even though I am terrified of the thought of raising a girl in this day and age. 

Last week I decided to throw myself full force back into “trying again mode.”  Which means pulling out all my old “fertility-relevant” books–and I even bought a few more.  One I know I read back when I was trying to conceive my first, one about Chinese medicine and its role, and a new one that is supposed to be the “ultimate” when it comes to getting a woman in top-form to conceive in just three months.  (sidebar:  it gives a lot of information anyone who already knows they have two ovaries and a utes is already aware of…and I haven’t really read it cover to cover yet–but I hope it gives some new-ish insight for me).  Because this is how I do things: I chuck myself full-force into absorbing all I can about infertility and reading others’ successes.  I have even started shelling out four bucks a few days a week for fresh-squeezed wheatgrass, instead of defrosting the cubes in my freezer.  I will say it tastes COMPLETELY different–so maybe my FSH will be nice and low-ish in ten days when I go for my baseline.  I admit that I am not willing to go completely organic, or rid my life of some coffee and dairy and chocolate…but I think swigging some warm green goop is pretty good.  One place offers a nice orange slice as a chaser–if I close my eyes, it’s just like a shot of tequila back in the dorms of college. (riggggghhhhht….)

Time will tell if my non-running/fresh wheatgrass chugging/excessive IF reading/DHEA supplementing will have any affect on this cycle.  Pleaseohpleaseohplease…

1 Comment | In: October 09 | | #

Let’s start out with the most obvious:  Holy heck!  It is October already.  How.did.this.happen??  I remember the middle of summer quite clearly.  And now.  I am twenty-three days (22?) away from being the mother of a two year old.  These years have gone so quickly (though sometimes the days themselves have dragged)…and I’m not any closer to expanding my family.  That’s the thing with infertility–you don’t get “closer”.  There is no “almost” or “kinda”.  You’re either pregnant, or you’re not.

Moving on.  Last night was Therapy Night Numero Uno.  I was not nervous (the last time I was in therapy it was CLEAR there was something broken in me that needed to be repaired, and it was a hard and scary thing to try and face.  Here, I know I am not unrepairable, and I just needed some help coping–not help overhauling my entire life.)  The new doctor was sweet, knowledgeable, and gave me some easy things I could do and say practically immediately upon returning home–that would start to change the way IF affects my relationship with T.  (There were other points that we discussed that don’t relate directly to this issue, so I’ve left them out.  But she was spot-on with those, too).

1. Say to my husband, I promise you, that when this is resolved, I will be back to being (as) normal as I once was.  This is a temporary situation in the long run.
2. Say to my husband, I am just like every other woman in this situation.  I do feel the hurt 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  It doesn’t make me SAD all the time, but there ALWAYS is a sadNESS.
3. (I feel the same way about statistics as I do about cliches, but she kept emphasizing this): Studies have been done that prove that after failed IVF cycles, a woman’s state of mind and overall emotional condition mirrors women who have been diagnosed with terminal cancers.  The depression, the anger, the desperation…they have been proven to be one and the same.  Interesting.
4. A man will never truly understand what infertility feels like to a woman–but the best way to think of it, is if a man lost his job.  And was unemployed for some time.  (While this seems so trivial compared to infertility, I can see the connection–even in this “modern time”, men are drawn to be providers and women to be caretakers/mothers.)
5. Ask RE point-blank what my ”exercise allowance” should be per day during a cycle (this was my idea).  I use exercise as a release for many things, and while I have certainly reigned in my working out, I don’t know where it falls on the Optimal for Fertility spectrum.  And RE has always spoken in vague, general terms when I ask about exercising–now I need to nail him down to an answer.  So I know I am doing what is right for my body, my mind, my utes and my ovaries. 

She told me I am clearly not depressed (not news to me), and she diagnosed me as suffering through a ”life crisis”.  And truly, I guess that is what it is. It has dragged on for me over this/these past year(s)–and it will drag on until there is resolution (I don’t know yet how I feel about the use of that word).  Anyone who has done invitro multiple times, and has failed multiple times, knows that it truly DOES become an all-consuming crisis.  We don’t want to give up–because what if the next one is the one that does it?  (it becomes as risky and addictive as gambling, I imagine.  Ironic, because I HATE gambling.  I’d rather spend the money on a new book or my trillionth pair of black stretch pants).  I am lucky enough to have at least one more cycle covered by insurance, and even after that I know we would find a way for one or two more.  But then…?  Well, she told me I don’t have to think that far ahead yet.

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After a quick visit up to the doctor this morning, I received my sheet that “projects” where we go this cycle.  I’ll be starting the pill tomorrow providing the bloodwork comes back normal(ish!) this afternoon.  I’ll stay on it for just about two weeks (Oct 12) and then after that will start with the microdose lupron, and then three days later add the stim shots (same as before–300gonal F, 400 Menopur).  The past three fresh cycles with this doctor I have used the antagonist Ganirelix, but now he wants to try the flare.  This pretty much mirrors the protocol I used with my first two IVFs back in California in 06/07–although then I was shooting up the entire 450 of Gonal F.  I recall that I produced a lesser number of eggs than I have on the antagonist (save for this last busted-converted cycle), but I’m glad for the slight change, in hopes that my body responds differently (read: better).  Of course, there were two cysts that looked like canteloupes on the screen, but were apparently 15mm and 12mm, and my doctor thinks they will be gone by the time I go in for my next baseline on Oct 15th.

If all goes well, I will be retrieving and transfering almost exactly when I did for my very first IVF in 2006 (failed, but let’s not harp on that…).  And hopefully the retrieval will be before Halloween and the transfer well after, so I can get to take my (soon to be!) two-year old “mealmean” (mailman) around to trick-or-treat.  But as my husband wondered aloud if he needed to cancel a business luncheon on the 29th–I reminded him that we can’t count on anything going “as planned” when it comes to this nebulous situation that IS infertility.

A new day.  An old protocol.  New hope. 

I found a few cliches the other day that I want to embrace for this upcoming cycle.  Normally, I hate cliches.  I was the first teacher to draw a huge red line through a student’s essay that used a cliche to bolster a point.  Cliches are used when there is nothing else to use.  You know what?  That sounds about right for me right now.  So I’ll give it a shot (just don’t tell any former students).

• you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have
• If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own
• When a heart breaks it also opens
• Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.

• With love and patience, nothing is impossible.

• A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps

And a post-script:  please keep my sil in your thoughts and prayers–that she and her husband continue to receive good news about their pregnancy.  I wish them days of excitement and joy from here on out…yay, baby!

1 Comment | In: September 09 | | #

It has been an interesting past couple of days.  I have some good news to post–J is pregnant!  Congratulations are in order.  It seems she was right after all–the universe would not be harsh to both sisters!  We are so happy for them–their dream has come true.  And in other news, it seems I had a chemical pregnancy.  Slightly positive tests for days–and then the bleeding started yesterday.  Honestly, I don’t count that as a pregnancy.  Who knows, maybe I am STILL holding onto the hcg from a trillion days ago???  Dr doesn’t think that is likely though.  I don’t even want to Google the actual definition of a chem preg or what the cause is–I just want the very low beta to fall a bit more so that I can start this cycle as scheduled.  The doctor’s office seems to have hope that I will be able to go ahead as planned.

Needless to say, there are two families separated by a whole lot of miles going through something completely different right now.  I couldn’t help but think that last night…how jealous I was of J’s state of mind while falling asleep, versus what mine was.  That I was so happy they were feeling that joy–but I was so sad I wasn’t feeling that for myself.  And then.  I voiced this to my husband.  Big mistake.  Stupid, stupid me.  Huge fight ensued.  Of epic proportions.  I wound up on the floor of my closet, sobbing, refolding the same clothes over and over again.  I won’t write the things he said to me in his anger and frustration, but  a) I woke up with eyes that looked they were slammed with a baseball bat (I swear, they weren’t) and b) I placed a call to a therapist this morning and will be trying out a new outlet for the pain of this journey.  We have since reconciled (as best as a couple can who have completely different views on how to handle infertility, how to handle pain or sorrow, how to handle anger, and how to express emotion) but I know that we are not making ourselves any stronger as a couple by continuing to have these episodes.  And now, I am more alone on this journey than before–so I will need some support (ok, paid support, but maybe that’s the best kind!) as I move forward.

So day one it is.

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I didn’t admit this to anyone yesterday–no one at all–but I tested yesterday morning.  9dpiui and 11dp trigger shot.  There were two lines.  For twenty-four hours I was able to live in that blissful “well, maybe…” world that I seem to so often skip over because my period-symptoms come so friggin soon.  I let myself just BE and enjoy–I didn’t feel too many cramps or pulls or whatever yesterday–and was that nausea I was feeling in the afternoon?  Over the course of the day, I thought about how cool it would be if I got back on here in a few days and had to sheepishly admit that I was wrong, that I WAS indeed one of Those People, and I had a great, inconceivable story to tell.  Fear not, I knew in the back of my mind that this was probably still the trigger, even though in the past it has been gone after 8 or 9 days…but I let myself dream.  It felt nice.

Today, only a nutcase-pee-stick-reader such as myself could see the verrrrrry light line that is almost a mirage in that little window.

Lessons learned:

1. trust the symptoms.  I.just.know.  The stick don’t know jack.

2. it was kind of neat to feel that day of hope and possibility.  So in the end, I really don’t regret yesterday.

1 Comment | In: September 09 | | #

Hearing my sil go through the insanity of her first IVF 2-week-wait brings back the memories, even if my memories of that first one are kind of muddled now (too many 2-week-waits on this end!)  Of course, we all know it REALLY isn’t two weeks…because it takes a person with waaay more self-discipline than I possess to wait out two weeks until a blood test.  I firmly believe NO ONE should have to hear bad news they weren’t certain was coming over the phone from a nurse…and while it does take away some of the awesomeness of a great-news-surprise…who gives a crap about that part.  If I am pregnant again, ever, I want to know assoonaspossible, and not one beta-point longer.

So let’s reflect in one lump of thought–for that is how our minds go anyway as we wait it out. 

 crap.  there is that twinge.  is that a pregnancy twinge or a period twinge?  is that a PIO side-effect or really a sign of a growing embryo in my uterus?  are my boobs really sore or are they sore because I keep poking them and smooshing them and twisting them? or are they sore from the PIO?  or from the trigger shot?  Am I feeling nausea?  or is that just nausea because I am so nervous about this all?  is that line from my trigger?  is that line from the BABY?  is THAT stabbing twisting pain a sure sign or not anything sure at all?  Am I tired from growing a baby or tired from CRAZILY GOING OVER ALL THESE SYMPTOMS LIKE A NUTCASE?  Is my husband going to drop-kick me off the deck(balcony, window, etc) for updating him ever three seconds when I change my mind about what a particular symptom means?

Oh, my dear J.  You are simply now doing what every.single.other.woman has done when she has gone through this.  You are not alone.  You feel like it, because these are YOUR symptoms.  But we all do know the struggle and the uncertainty and the what-ifs that zoom through your mind at 100 miles an hour, every other second.  But the time will pass.  You will find out soon.  It brings us back to the “hurry up and wait” theme.  And it is just insane.  But the Sisterhood of the Fertility-Challenged are there with you.  We’ve walked in your (probably very cute and trendy) shoes.  And you will soon be at the end of this journey, hopefully calling me obscenely early because you couldn’t hold your pee anymore that morning and you saw the glorious second line and you already hugged and kissed your husband, and you wanted me to be a part of the Pee Party.

I love you.  Hang in there.  Keep making me so proud to call you Sister.

1 Comment | In: September 09 | | #