I.V.Effed: No Sex, No Lies, and No Videotape

And it’s only 8:30.  Sad that at 7dpiui I am so confident that I will not be pregnant this time.  Sad that I can’t stop the progresterone because it’s too early to know for certain, according to my doctor  (newsflash, doc: I’ve done this a lot of times.  I know EXACTLY when the moment is to determine if it worked or not. That moment has passed).  Sad that I will be doing IVF again.  Sad that I have begun looking more closely at adoption websites for information–that was not how I thought I was going to build a family.  I am not one of those people who says that I have been called to adoption or that adoption is the way God wants me to have my family–besides, I know too many people who have said that line when they have had problems getting pregnant, but then seem to “forget” their “calling” once they find out they may have other options…so I’ve said I would never say those things.  I do believe it is a noble, difficult and tremendous undertaking, and I will look more into the possiblity as time goes on.  There is so much to consider on that front, and am I strong enough to do it?  Am I good enough to do it?  I don’t want to delve too much further into the topic right now–its too deep and muddled at the moment and probably I’m not thinking my clearest.

I’m just having a sad day.  I miss the feeling of hope today.  I don’t like to feel so jaded.  It sucks.  This weekend I cried a)when watching Glee (we had saved them all up) and they all started to sing the Journey song.  Cried.  Silly girl.  and b) when we were in a store and P saw an infant car carrier and kept pointing to the empty seat saying, Baby! Baby! Baby!  I took it as a metaphor as to my own emptiness for a baby.  He should be pointing to his baby brothers soon–not an empty carseat.   Maybe my good friend hope will find me later on.  I have to hope she will, right?

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The unquestionable non-pregnant cramps have hit this morning.  (One of the) annoying things about this is that it seems as though my body doesn’t even give anything a CHANCE in there.  I mean, implantation wouldn’t even be happening for a few more days, yet my uterus is already shouting HEY! HEY YOU! I’m getting ready to do my thing (in a week) but thought I’d let you know in advance!  Thanks for playing!

At least it’s Friday…

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Just a few thoughts to jot down for your/my viewing pleasure…

1. Brach’s mellowcream pumpkins are ridiculous.  I am so glad they don’t have them for sale year-round, or I would be orange.  Already downed a bag since tuesday.  Perhaps they are to blame for the Halloween-like protrusion that has emerged on my chin.  I should paint my face green, grab my broomstick, and head out for a ride…
2. Today I am feeling particularly thankful and in love with my friendswhodon’treallygetwhatinfertilityislikebutaremybiggestcheerleaders.  I have two friends in particular who are specTACular at this.  One lives near, one lives far.  Both have small children.  Both conceived BAM! right out the gate.  But both are so generous with their ears, their heart, and just their positive energies.  Sometimes it is hard because I want to BE them, and be in their fertile situation–but mostly, I am just so thankful that these friends care so much about me.  Actually, since I am not very private about all of this (I’m an over-sharer.  So I’ve been told), I have a lot a supportive friends, with and without child, young, old, etcetera etcetera.  But M and K…you rock my world (if you ever somehow read this…)
3. Today I was saying that it would be so awesome to get pregnant off of this IUI cycle because “I deserve this.”  And then…I thought…what??? What does that MEAN?  Why do I deserve this more than the next person?  There is no “level of deserving” when it comes to IF…I am no more “deserving” of a sweet baby than the next person (well, ok, I am more deserving than a crackhead, maybe.)  But really.  No one derserves a baby.  I don’t deserve–I desire.  Huge difference to keep in mind.
4.  Good luck tomorrow, sil.  I love you so much.  You are stronger than you ever thought you could be–but I’ve known all along that you had this strength.

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A slight silver lining…I am not being a nut, analyzing every cramp, twinge, pull, etc.  Because it is way too early to be feeling anything.  After the 5dt, I can usually tell by two days later if my period feels like it is starting.  Here, I am only two days past (fake) ovulation, so the usual AF cramps wouldn’t start for a few more days anyhow.  So I can blissfully live my life, not thinking about it at all, really.  I guess that is due to the diminished level of hope I am required to have in this particular scenario.  So while I won’t say that this is a blessing, or any other bullcrap that people who don’t know what else to say like to say…I will at least be comfortable right NOW that I am not feeling particularly anything, and I can just wait another week (or two or three days, if the AF cramping starts.  I am not one of those people who say “It felt EXACTLY like AF coming! ” For me, there are completely different feelings for pregnancy and then not-a-pregnancy) And since I am only at day 16, I imagine I won’t start feeling like it’s on its way until Saturday. (Yes, I’m usually informed by my uterus well in advance what she is planning on doing a week down the line.)

On a very happy note:  Sisterinlaw has made it to fertilization!  And they’re growing well!  So let’s keep growing, little guys.  (Here I must honestly and openly admit, even though I know SIL is going to read this, (hi! love you! keep resting up!) that while I want them to have a pregnancy so so so so so so so so badly, it will be hard for me if they see two heartbeats.  Why is two harder than one?  No idea.  But it will be, I know it.  Maybe because I’ll miss mine all the more?  Hard to say.  Will I be happy for them?  Absoeffinlutely.  But since this is my blog where I’ve been completely open and raw, can’t hold that back and make myself into a phony person that I am not…) 

 In the meantime, I will just keep rooting for her cells to keep growing and dividing, growing and dividing…

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Oh Miley, you screwed with me again.  On my drive to CT for my IUI (approx 37-38 hrs post-Hcg) this morning…the song came on just as I was getting off the exit…

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there’s a voice inside my head saying
“You’ll never reach it”

Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I’m not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

My apologies for any copyright infringements, MC.  And I was relieved to note that the song was not penned by a 16 year old who is just starting out in life…

Anyway.  That got me nice and teary for the rest of the drive.  But it also gave me strength.  While doing the insemination, Dr. Dubs was a tad more talkative than he usually is (“We’ve seen stranger things happen.  People have gotten pregnant off of cancelled IVFs here.  Sperm count was good (40 mil post-wash).  We’ll just have to see.”)  Usually, Dubs is more non-commital and much more mute when we’re in the room together–and he also had the nurse call me later to tell me to come get some progest. supps.  I will definitely keep some hope.  But just a teeny-tiny some.  I was smart enough not to ask him our “odds”–how can he possibly give odds for an IUI-turned-IVF with anywhere from three to six follicles at last count four days ago?  Even I know better than that.  He was also GREAT in that he did tell me (unprompted) that if/when I get my period, I would go on the pill for just a short time and start stims around the 16th/17th of October.  Well that’s not so far away, I can make it til then.  And since my ovaries wouldn’t be stressed from producing so many follicles or from the retrieval (which is apparently where the concern lies–as if I didn’t know that already, tyvm abdominal blood-pool from January!) there would not be reason to wait if all looked clear up there.

Now I am going to just go clean up the jelly smeared halfway across the hardwoods in the dining room, and then have a little rest.  It was a long weekend.  What I wouldn’t give for a good run right now…

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Friday: I was dealing with it.

Saturday: I was dealing with it (and very very well, I might add).

Sunday: I’m not.  I want to give up.  I want to stop this madness.  The toll on my marriage, on my life…this has all been so big.  Too too many challenges in the last ten years.  I don’t think I’m tough enough.  I don’t think I have the strength.  I just want to curl up and make the pain and the anger and the sadness go away right now.  I want the innocence back.  I want all those things that can’t happen because this is Life and not a book or a Lifetime movie…

But I also want my baby.

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Today’s date has helped me deal with the news that the cycle is cancelled.  I haven’t yet shed a tear (today) for our misfortune–however, I had trouble keeping my cheeks dry as I sat in the waiting room at the RE, watching the coverage of the memorial service at Ground Zero.  I may have received crappy news this morning, but for crying out loud, I am alive.  My loved ones are alive.  I have much to be thankful for when it comes to my life.  I remember exactly where I was on that morning eight years ago–I remember the students in my class, I remember watching the coverage with them throughout the day, I remember it all.  And then my brother was in the Middle East for two tours.  I am so blessed that I did not personally lose a friend or family member that day.  My dreams of having a family may not be panning out, but I am still here.  Alive.  Thriving.  Loving.  Being Loved.

Okay. Slightly corny but necessary tribute over.  So the follicles didn’t really do me any favors over the past few days.  Still have two leads, and three or so behind.  The rational, reasonable, and cost-effective thing to do is to not retrieve them. We will trigger tomorrow night, and do an IUI on Monday morning.  As my husband said, we are changing the odds.  Instead of buying a $2 scratch ticket where we have a good chance of winning something…we’re buying the megamillions.  When it is up to like $400million.  And we are trying to pick the one and only set of winning numbers.  That being said…it’s better than NO chance…I guess.  (NOTE: I do not necessarily believe this.  But it’s the cliche thing to say, and it’s what people have been saying to me to make me feel better…it doesn’t really, though.) 

In two weeks when I get my period (let’s be real here.  I’m a smart girl.  I know the chances), I’ll go back in and start a new protocol.  For what should be the last IVF, succeed or fail.  Insurance craps out after this final one.  Perhaps I’ll be on the lupron flare from yesteryear (back in the 06/07 timetable).  Perhaps the same one as now?  Who knows.  This protocol “worked” the last two times–my body just decided to be a complete butthead and screw me this try.  Don’t I already appreciate the struggle already?  Don’t I get the pain?  Aren’t I ready to have another baby and end this rather lengthy chapter in my life?  Apparently not, according to my ovaries.  I will have some hope (annoyingly so, I might add…I lovehatelovehate you, hope) over the two week wait after the IUI (I only did one of those ever.  Off the clomid challenge back in very beginning.  So I know my odds are about 1 in a trillion of a pregnancy).  Also did a Google search for “ivf converted to iui success”.  Um.  I think there was one.  Even after I scrolled down four pages or so…

Anyway.  Will hopefully be mid-injections for P’s second birthday.  And to think last year, when we found out the day before his birthday that our first attempt at #2 had failed…I was sure I’d be pregnant when we were celebrating his second birthday.  Best of luck and continued good wishes to SIL, who is still marvelously progressing through her first cycle.  Good looking follicles, good looking levels…she’s on the right road.  Me?  I tripped.  And fell.  But up I go…

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See?  I knew it would happen!  Here is Thursday, a new fresh day, right on the heels of ole Wednesday.  By yesterday afternoon I was much more relaxed and less frantic about the news and the repercussions of it. Day.by.day.

Of course, it all had to be followed by a nice evening fight with my husband–over something stupid.  Very stupid.  We both dragged it out into something much larger than it needed to be.  I blame the medication, my stubborness, and his stubborness.  The last two are lethal enough without the first thrown into the mix!  But even that was mended in the morning darkness as he left for work.

I plan to enjoy this quiet, cool morning that sings of autumn (who the hell am I, Walt Whitman?).  I feel surprisingly refreshed after a short night of sleep (though my follicle-speckled ovaries are starting to give me some issues when I bend over or twist the wrong way or when I have to pee…)  The whole day stretches out before us–and I will not waste it wallowing in my sorrow or disappointment.

Here’s to hoping I can keep this calm and perspective throughout today and into tomorrow!

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Clearly my nervousness yesterday was for good reason.  I have TWO freaking lead follicles at about 14 or 15, and then three laggers.  I started the antagonist as soon as I got home as I happen to be a habitual ovulator (my own term: I can’t get pregnant, but come hell or high water, my ovaries are releasing an egg).   All of this sounds rather innocent, I knew the numbers were low, but they have always retrieved more than he saw (last time I think he counted 8, but they wound up retrieving thirteen).  The doctor then breaks into a very casual “We’ll have to wait and see what happens in order to see if this cycle is worth continuing.”  WTF????  I kind of blink a few times, and then try to match his nonchalance  (very hard to accomplish naked from the waist down, half  sitting/half reclining, feet perched on stirrups ever-so-casually like a makeshift ottoman) and say, “What is the likelihood of that?”  He responded with, “I don’t know, we’ll wait and see and decide Friday.”

My tone remained somewhat light as I asked him what happens if we cancel, and he said we might try insemination.  Yep.  Like that would work.  Right. Then I point-blank said, “When the times comes, and if it is now I need to know, but will you tell me ‘C, your eggs are for shit and I think you need to look into other options.’”  Because everyone knows how much it sucks to hold onto completely worthless and false hope!  He reassured me (in his own odd way) and told me that my age is so much more important than the FSH.  (so then why am I IN THIS PREDICAMENT?  Why AREN”T I GETTING PREGNANT?)  Argh. Argharghargh.

I did wind up weepy as we finished the conversation, and after the doctor left the nurse handed me a tissue and said, “You’re doing a good job.”  I wiped my tears and thought that was the right thing to say.  No false hopes, no supersweet apologies, just some reassurances that I took to mean Overall.  As A Person.  I am doing a good job in this life.  (Probably a stretch, but it’s what I needed).

When I called my husband on the way home I realized for the trillionth time how different this whole infertilty business is for us.  He said he was sorry, and told me that since we have one cycle left to complete, we could convert this one and do the cycle next month and if I am a poor responder again, we’ll just say the hell with it and go in and get what’s there.  But he doesn’t understand the FEELINGS.  He doesn’t understand what this does to my heart, to my mind, to my dreams.  I still have the dreams of a family.  I still have the dreams of feeling a baby inside of me.  I still have these hopes and desires and dreams, and they are on my mind all the time.  Not just when I am at the doctor or doing the nightly injection, but all the time.  Mid cycle or no cycle.  All the time.  And he doesn’t understand.  I told him I would “take what comes” this time around and just be matter of fact and realistic about it.  The joke is on both of us, I guess, because that’s just.not.me.  I can’t even FAKE that very well.  Which  makes it so hard to go through this together, because I know infertility has shaped the person I am.  The two of us went through some other struggles early in our relationship (me: health-related), and I am so grateful he stuck it out.  He could have left.  But he stayed.  That shaped and affected us.  And now infertility has shaped and affected us.  I KNOW there are other stories out there of greater tragedies and couples who have endured so much more.  But right now, I am hurting a lot.  And again, I only know my pain.  And my pain is raw today.

I am not looking for sympathy or words of hope that I shouldn’t think of it as over, that there are still two more days, that stranger things have happened, etc.  I just needed to write down that I am so sad right now.  Sad and hurt and tired of this.  Because I know that tonight I will still take my shots, I know that the day will come to an end, tomorrow will come and then go, and on Friday we will know our (immediate) future.  And I will get to that day and I will even have happy moments up to that appointment, (crap!  have to have a root canal finished right after the RE appt.  Can you think of something suckier than that?) and I will be okay.  But right now, right this very second, it hurts.

Update: In case anyone is a numbers-follower, my E2 was 766 today.  Lotta good that does me.

Also, forgot to mention a superembarrassing thing that happened on the drive to the RE this morning:  I was crying to a song on the radio.  Something about the climb up the mountain being the hard part (a little foreboding, it seems, in hindsight…)  And then.  Found out that friggin miley cyrus sings the song.  That made me want to cry even harder.  Because what makes a 16 year old wise to the ways of the world?  I told the nurses today, and joked that my E2 better be high to explain such behavior on my part…

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That’s how I am feeling right this second.  I have no idea why.  But I’ve been so NERVOUS this afternoon about this cycle.  No good reason…nothing new to report…and I know in fifteen minutes I could likely feel different.  But I’m just feeling the nerves. The whatifitdoesntworkthenwhat nerves, the whatifIletmyselfgetexcitedaboutitandthennothing nerves…good thing my h is out of town, because I’ve been trying to act all nonchalant and easygoing this cycle, as it drives him crazy when I worry.  I’m a worrier by nature.  It’s for sure in my DNA–if you ever met my mom or her mom, you would realize I’m not all that bad based on what I come from!  But the nervousness has commenced.  And I have just under a week left of meds.  This is why I LOVE the time period between the retrieval and the transfer, when my body is responsible for NADA.  It is all up to science and technology and whatever else I may believe has a hand in things…I finally relax during those days (until the day of the transfer, when I sit with shaky hands, sweaty palms and a desperate constant thirst as I wait for the doctor to come in and tell us what we have to work with).  Sisterinlaw today commented on the “hurry up and wait” aspect of IVF.  Ain’t it the truth.  Though I may amend it to “hurry up and worry and wait.”

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