Having a day.

And it’s only 8:30.  Sad that at 7dpiui I am so confident that I will not be pregnant this time.  Sad that I can’t stop the progresterone because it’s too early to know for certain, according to my doctor  (newsflash, doc: I’ve done this a lot of times.  I know EXACTLY when the moment is to determine if it worked or not. That moment has passed).  Sad that I will be doing IVF again.  Sad that I have begun looking more closely at adoption websites for information–that was not how I thought I was going to build a family.  I am not one of those people who says that I have been called to adoption or that adoption is the way God wants me to have my family–besides, I know too many people who have said that line when they have had problems getting pregnant, but then seem to “forget” their “calling” once they find out they may have other options…so I’ve said I would never say those things.  I do believe it is a noble, difficult and tremendous undertaking, and I will look more into the possiblity as time goes on.  There is so much to consider on that front, and am I strong enough to do it?  Am I good enough to do it?  I don’t want to delve too much further into the topic right now–its too deep and muddled at the moment and probably I’m not thinking my clearest.

I’m just having a sad day.  I miss the feeling of hope today.  I don’t like to feel so jaded.  It sucks.  This weekend I cried a)when watching Glee (we had saved them all up) and they all started to sing the Journey song.  Cried.  Silly girl.  and b) when we were in a store and P saw an infant car carrier and kept pointing to the empty seat saying, Baby! Baby! Baby!  I took it as a metaphor as to my own emptiness for a baby.  He should be pointing to his baby brothers soon–not an empty carseat.   Maybe my good friend hope will find me later on.  I have to hope she will, right?

2 Comments, Comment or Ping

  1. I’ve had these same feelings, heck, still having them. At times, I feel the world is consipring against me.

    I’ve grown so weary, but I can tell you that most days I feel hopeful. Sometimes you just gotta hold on with your fingertips.

    September 21st, 2009

  2. Sad days suck. I hate those days of limbo before you can test. Hang in there.

    September 23rd, 2009

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