Today’s date has helped me deal with the news that the cycle is cancelled. I haven’t yet shed a tear (today) for our misfortune–however, I had trouble keeping my cheeks dry as I sat in the waiting room at the RE, watching the coverage of the memorial service at Ground Zero. I may have received crappy news this morning, but for crying out loud, I am alive. My loved ones are alive. I have much to be thankful for when it comes to my life. I remember exactly where I was on that morning eight years ago–I remember the students in my class, I remember watching the coverage with them throughout the day, I remember it all. And then my brother was in the Middle East for two tours. I am so blessed that I did not personally lose a friend or family member that day. My dreams of having a family may not be panning out, but I am still here. Alive. Thriving. Loving. Being Loved.
Okay. Slightly corny but necessary tribute over. So the follicles didn’t really do me any favors over the past few days. Still have two leads, and three or so behind. The rational, reasonable, and cost-effective thing to do is to not retrieve them. We will trigger tomorrow night, and do an IUI on Monday morning. As my husband said, we are changing the odds. Instead of buying a $2 scratch ticket where we have a good chance of winning something…we’re buying the megamillions. When it is up to like $400million. And we are trying to pick the one and only set of winning numbers. That being said…it’s better than NO chance…I guess. (NOTE: I do not necessarily believe this. But it’s the cliche thing to say, and it’s what people have been saying to me to make me feel better…it doesn’t really, though.)
In two weeks when I get my period (let’s be real here. I’m a smart girl. I know the chances), I’ll go back in and start a new protocol. For what should be the last IVF, succeed or fail. Insurance craps out after this final one. Perhaps I’ll be on the lupron flare from yesteryear (back in the 06/07 timetable). Perhaps the same one as now? Who knows. This protocol “worked” the last two times–my body just decided to be a complete butthead and screw me this try. Don’t I already appreciate the struggle already? Don’t I get the pain? Aren’t I ready to have another baby and end this rather lengthy chapter in my life? Apparently not, according to my ovaries. I will have some hope (annoyingly so, I might add…I lovehatelovehate you, hope) over the two week wait after the IUI (I only did one of those ever. Off the clomid challenge back in very beginning. So I know my odds are about 1 in a trillion of a pregnancy). Also did a Google search for “ivf converted to iui success”. Um. I think there was one. Even after I scrolled down four pages or so…
Anyway. Will hopefully be mid-injections for P’s second birthday. And to think last year, when we found out the day before his birthday that our first attempt at #2 had failed…I was sure I’d be pregnant when we were celebrating his second birthday. Best of luck and continued good wishes to SIL, who is still marvelously progressing through her first cycle. Good looking follicles, good looking levels…she’s on the right road. Me? I tripped. And fell. But up I go…
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