A slight silver lining…I am not being a nut, analyzing every cramp, twinge, pull, etc. Because it is way too early to be feeling anything. After the 5dt, I can usually tell by two days later if my period feels like it is starting. Here, I am only two days past (fake) ovulation, so the usual AF cramps wouldn’t start for a few more days anyhow. So I can blissfully live my life, not thinking about it at all, really. I guess that is due to the diminished level of hope I am required to have in this particular scenario. So while I won’t say that this is a blessing, or any other bullcrap that people who don’t know what else to say like to say…I will at least be comfortable right NOW that I am not feeling particularly anything, and I can just wait another week (or two or three days, if the AF cramping starts. I am not one of those people who say “It felt EXACTLY like AF coming! ” For me, there are completely different feelings for pregnancy and then not-a-pregnancy) And since I am only at day 16, I imagine I won’t start feeling like it’s on its way until Saturday. (Yes, I’m usually informed by my uterus well in advance what she is planning on doing a week down the line.)
On a very happy note: Sisterinlaw has made it to fertilization! And they’re growing well! So let’s keep growing, little guys. (Here I must honestly and openly admit, even though I know SIL is going to read this, (hi! love you! keep resting up!) that while I want them to have a pregnancy so so so so so so so so badly, it will be hard for me if they see two heartbeats. Why is two harder than one? No idea. But it will be, I know it. Maybe because I’ll miss mine all the more? Hard to say. Will I be happy for them? Absoeffinlutely. But since this is my blog where I’ve been completely open and raw, can’t hold that back and make myself into a phony person that I am not…)
In the meantime, I will just keep rooting for her cells to keep growing and dividing, growing and dividing…
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i love you, sister. the best thing anyone can do in our shoes is be open and raw. i wouldn’t have it any other way!
September 16th, 2009
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