I.V.Effed: No Sex, No Lies, and No Videotape

After a glorious Sunday morning we didn’t have to wake in the dark to get to the dr…I woke at 5:20 this morning (getting better at getting out fast!  maybe I should get myself one of those city jobs and be a commuter).  I was lucky to see my own dr this morning for the ultrasound.  He measured five at about 11 mm, and said there were a bunch “just under 10″ that will likely be available come retrieval.  We’ll hear back today b/t 4 and 7 about dosing for tonight, if I add the Ganirelix, and if I need to come in tomorrow or Wed morning.  Here’s the crazy catch–he told me that we would likely be HcG-ing in a couple days, with a retrieval likely over the weekend.  WTFudge?  That seems reaaallllly quick.  We were predicting a retrieval Mon or Tues…could we be wrong?  I mean, we’ve done this seven times, Dr IVF has done it what….seven thousand?  Hrm.  Who do YOU put your money on?

Also:  Any ideas how one gets into NYC by 7am with a two year old to consider, no family that lives remotely close by to help out, and a husband who needs to be on a 5:30 am flight that morning to Boston?  Wednesday morning could prove to be verrrrry tricky.  I can’t imagine dropping P off at my neighbor’s at 545 am…and I can’t imagine bringing him into the city for monitoring with me (people have done this there…but those babies are BABIES…P is not.  But he was.  Back…when we started…sigh…not focusing on that.  Focusing on this.  Focusing on NOW….)  So.  Just waiting to see where we go from here!

Update:  Start Ganirelix tonight.  Decrease Gonal F from 450 to 300, stay on 150 Menopur.  Bloodwork only tomorrow (yay, up to the burbs instead of the city!  One more hour of snooze time!  I’m already tired…and it’s only Monday.) with next ultrasound Wed or Thurs.  E2 was only 316, but the nurse said that is standard for an EPP cycle, that the number dips and then surges.  Glad she clarified, or I would have been worried!

2 Comments | In: February 10 | | #

I woke at 5:15 this morning, to catch a 6am train into Grand Central, walked the mile to the clinic, and was right on time for the 7am start.  Apparently, however, I can arrive before 7am and get in earlier.  Sweet.  How much earlier can I wake, I wonder?

So.  The question of Has it Started or Hasn’t It still haunts me.  The ultrasound showed some a great number of antrals–maybe 14 to 16 total?  But.  My lining is 8.6.  You know, the number they shoot for AFTER you’ve stimmed and are looking to transfer.  So what the hell?  My uterus is definitely working, but at a very very very very slooooow pace.  This is what I have been trying to explain to the nurses, but they don’t seem to be getting it.  Usually, this is how things go:

I cramp for a week.  Then a start to spot about a week after cramping begins.  Very faint spotting that hours later becomes Hey!  It’s Me!  I’m Here!  That energized greeting lasts for about a day and a half, and then it tapers down and down, and is virutally gone by day 4 or 5. 

This time:  Hey! It’s Me! I’m Here!  No….wait….I’m not.  Wait!  Yes I Am! No….wait….I’m not.  Or am I?  Or arent I?  Or am I?   There was no continuous cramping, no definite starting point.  So alas, my confusion.  As well as the doctor’s, it seems.

I now wait until between 4 and 7 tonight to find out what happens next.  Do I a)start the stims tonight, b)do another night of ganirelix and add another patch and go in for another ultrasound in a day or two (yay another 5am start!)?  The doctor assured me that if my blood results were normal this does not indicate a need for a cancelled cycle (and since my AFC was nice, he anticipates a low FSH), perhaps just one put off for a few more days.  After all, I wasn’t expecting AF until tomorrow…but my body never does what is expected (when will I learn that?)

UPDATE: nurse called, it’s a go ahead tonight for the stims.  450 Gonal F, 150 Menopur.  Back in Sat morning for bw.  Of course, I was so stunned by the news I didn’t think to ask what any of my numbers were or why it was okay to go ahead if the doctor this morning had shown some concern…oh well!

IVF Fresh Cycle #4, For Baby Number Two, Commences.  (cue NBC’s Olympic coverage intro-music here…)

4 Comments | In: February 10 | | #

Where to begin?  I’ll start with the wedding this weekend.  It was nice to see my husband’s family–and we had a good time.  Was it a little overwhelming (at first) to see two cutely pregnant sisters there?  Yep.  But they were lovely and sweet and of course they love me just the same, even if I’m not pregnant.  They had nothing to do with the Unfortunate Wedding Incident, however.

Picture it: me, in my regular, non-pregnancy dress, just being happy for my sisters while trying not to think about my own empty utes.   I was instead just busy being happy for their good fortune, and enjoying a night in the city with my husband.  The ceremony is fine, the cocktail hour fine, and then we arrive at the reception location. 

 I am standing in between my inlaws, watching a few people gettin jiggy with it on the dance floor, waiting for the wedding party to be announced.  A very well dressed older woman comes over, and my mother in law introduces her as the grandmother of the groom.  I in turn introduce myself, and then she says, very loudly (both because she is old and because the music is very loud) “And you’re NOT pregnant” (clearly referencing the other knocked up family members). To my ears, it seemed to come out very, very, slowly from her lips….aaaaannnddd youuuuuu arreee nooooooottt preggnnnantt.

I cannot fully describe what happened to my insides.  I am pretty sure any emptiness I had already been feeling just stretched wide open, and my insides went numb and hollow.  I smiled, and said very clearly (wistfully?), “No.  I’m not pregnant.”  My inlaws then attempted to jump in with, “She has a wonderful two year old at home!” “He is such a joy!” “She and T have such a great little guy!”  And I stood there, perfectly still, and tried to say a few more things about whatever else I could think of (not much). 

When she left, I counted to five mississippi’s in my head, and then turned to my father in law and said I was going to find the restroom and would be right back ( I was smiley and upbeat.  I swear it!).  I ran into T out there, and at the sight of him my eyes welled up and he pulled me aside, surely there was some incident with the Pregnant Duo that upset me.  I tearfully explained everything, promising I would be fine as soon as I recounted everything…and I really was.  We went back in, and I was about to make a joke about it to my in-laws, when my father in law grabbed me, hugged me, apologized profusely, and wiped his eyes over and over.  Holy crap.  Known the man for eleven years, and had never seen him cry until this moment (he had consumed numerous martinis at this point which I am sure added to his emotion…but still).  He also later called me “His Hero” (Imagine my surprise to see him upright and hangover free the next morning!)

Seriously.  That is the kind of scenario that you sorta-imagine would happen when you’re envisioning Interacting With the Pregnant World, but then common sense tells you it never would…and then it does…?   I forgive Grams her stupidity because 1)she is old, and old people say very very stupid things.  I plan on taking advantage of that myself in 50 years, 2)in her oldness she must also be blind because my dress was in no way one that could be confused with a pregnancy dress, and 3)she is A Stranger Who Hasn’t A Clue.

Okay.  So on to Part Two .  We had relations this morning, and soon after there was some bright red blood.  Assumed it was from relations, or relations-plus-coculture-leftoverness, or a combination.  But the bright red spotting has continued.  So is this day 1?  I never have bright red immediately.  I don’t start my cycle this way…it’s more gradual.  I decide to call my nurse after a few more hours of this.  She is OUT of the office today.  Of COURSE she is.  And the message says to call the other number only if there is an emergency.  Is this an emergency?  Mmmm…don’t think so.  But if it is day 1, that means this cycle was 25 days (nurse did say the coculture might cause my period to start earlier).  Luckily, I came across the paperwork for the Priming Protocol, and it states that if I get my period prior to finishing the Ganirelix (last night was only shot one of three), I needed to finish the shots before coming in to the office.  So.  I will just check out the situation down there for the rest of the night and then call the office in the morning, but I will not be trying to fight through the morning snowstorm to get to the train at 6am to get in for the monitoring. 

T is always telling me, “It’s always something with you.”  It drives me nuts, but I guess he’s right.  I mean, REALLY, Grandma So-and-So and My Body?  You couldn’t make this eas(ier) for me?  I’m thinking then, that Wednesday is Start Day.  We’ll see (also, this early arrival now puts us likely dead-on for the huge meeting T has down South once a year and can’t miss…so we will likely be freezing some dudes, I’ll likely be HcG-ing my own rear…).  It’s always something…but maybe confusion and oddness on this end will mean babies on the other.

1 Comment | In: February 10 | | #

This morning was the co-culture “uterine scraping.”  He also did the sounding to measure my utes for the potential transfer early next month.  The entire procedure was over in about…six minutes.  Maybe less.   Did it hurt?  Yes.  Was it excruciating?  No.  And I do believe I don’t have the greatest of tolerance for being pried open and then poked up at.  But I did it.  It was a BILLION times better than what I thought.  Just some really short intense cramping, and to compare it to the HSG, it was more intense and more localized.  I think the HSG is more of a tight, pinchy feeling while it is being done, and this was more a shooting cramp one.  However, nary a tear welled up in my eye(s), and I was up and getting dressed as soon as the dr shut the door.  I have had a small amount of residual cramping, but really, nothing to write about (though I just did….)  Would I do it again?  Yep. 

My medication situation was a bit touchy for a while–my insurance has a special prescription plan that is headquartered in TN, and the original ship date was last Friday.  Well, snow down south made that impossible  (Ahhh!  Snow in the South!  The world is ending!).  And of course, the company couldnt get its act together to meet the next scheduled date, which was this past Tuesday.  And then on Wed I received a call that they couldn’t meet the newly scheduled date of Thursday (yesterday), due to The Snow Dump here in the East.  I told the poor representative on the phone (and I quote)…”I am a psycho infertile woman.  I need the Ganirelix by Saturday.  I cannot not have it.  What are you going to do to make it happen?”  A few hours later, she had called my nurse (love her, btw…never met her…but love her) who in turn called a local pharmacy about 15 minutes from my house, and I was able to pick up part of the meds yesterday and the rest today.  So I am ready to go.  Let’s hope the FSH stays nice and surpressed when I go in for a Day 2 start sometime mid to end of next week…and we get this cycle on track.  Patch on tomorrow, then GanirelixGanirelixGanirelix, change the patch every 48 hours, get a period…then, Go Time.  In my bones, I feel like this is going to be my last try, success or failure.  (Sidebar: we have begun filling out the adoption paperwork and are looking to have that all completed in the next month or two).  I just don’t know how much more of this my marriage can handle…and while this is my One Lone Dream, I understand that at some point, it may have to be sacrificed for the good of my family.  I don’t want to face that quite yet, but I can only stick my head in the sand for so much longer…

On tap for the weekend: Tomorrow evening is a family wedding where I will be chilling with my 23ish weeks pregnant sisterS-in-law.  But I’m feeling good about it.  And strong.  (whispering to myself repeatedly for the next 24 hours…Good and strong, good and strong, good and strong…)

1 Comment | In: February 10 | | #

So.  Today I went in to “the city” for some bloodwork–wonders of wonders, I made it off the waiting list, and I’m scheduled for my co-culture this upcoming Friday.  They needed to take a nice vat of blood (ok, a few large vials) for the co-culture medium, and it is easier for me to head into the city on a weekend than to go twice during the week.  First, must say…holy packed waiting room.  I have never cycled at a place this…enormous.  Seriously.  It was more crowded than church.  But all said, it was just over an hour.  Now I don’t have to go back until Friday for the procedure (ouch ouch ouch), and then I don’t go back until cycle day two, which should be in about a week and half.  And then, if all looks good blood/ultrasound-wise, I begin injections that night.  For some eeenoying reason, this office “prefers” I use the Gonal F pen.  I LOATHE the pen.  Especially since I’ve usually been mixing the Gonal F and the menopur, therefore only needing one shot…but I was told Dr. IVF “prefers” the pen.  So I shall do the pen.

As for the title of this entry…T and P came with for the drive this morning, and after they exhausted the nearby bagel stores/drugstores/cruising the streets for free parking, they were waiting down in the lobby (I try not to bring P to appointments when it can be helped–for my own sanity and stress level, and of course, out of courtesy for the other patients).  T said they were running around, and then a woman in big sunglasses came down the elevators, flanked by three large men in black.  She smiled at my two guys, and T thought, “Is that…?”  but he wasn’t certain, until he watched the entourage exit the building and get into a waiting black suburban.  Yep.  He confirmed it to be C.eline Di.on.  Of course, this makes sense.  She’s certainly in the news for her own struggles.  I didn’t catch a glimpse myself–perhaps I already had a needle attached to my arm, or, more likely, they went out some super-secret way.  So here I am.  Cycling with the star.  Money may bring people a lot of things, but it doesn’t seem to bring them everything, does it?

3 Comments | In: February 10 | | #

I had the need to write tonight.  A lot has been going on in life beyond infertility…but in the end, it all comes back to this, doesn’t it.  And after a short spat with T, I blurted out something that has been buried somewhere for a while, that apparently I’ve been hiding or covering up or ignoring…

I don’t think I am ever going to have another child.

I am afraid that adoption will not work out.  I am afraid that it will  fall apart at the crucial moment (and we’ve only just received the application).  I am afraid that the next fertility treatments will not work.  Actually, I am already feeling like they will fail.  Yet for some insane reason, I’m going for an HSG on Friday, and I’m on the waiting list for the coculture for this cycle.  Why all of this if I don’t have the faith?  Perhaps maybe I want to just get everything done–the next IVF cycles, the adoption paperwork and procedures, and when it all fails, I can know that I did what I could to have a family…and then I can take the time to mourn what will never be.  I have said over and over again that I KNOW for certain I will have more children…but the thing is, I don’t.  I am so afraid to get hopeful for another child, no matter the route, and that once I feel that hope again, it will be the same end-result we have been experiencing over the past few years.  

Suck ass place to be, if you ask me.  So.  You probably don’t want to pull up a chair.  It’s not a pretty night ’round these parts.

4 Comments | In: January 10 | | #

I stole that from a verse from a song we used to sing in church back in college…and while I don’t feel hopeless, I don’t feel HopeFUL at this current juncture.  Over the past week, we have met with a private adoption attorney to learn about private domestic adoptions, we have explored a bit more the potential to adopt from South Korea, and yesterday we met with Dr IVF down at Corn.ell.  So I am befuddled and beside myself with all the emotions that come with all this exploration.  Bear with me as I sort it out…

1. Domestic adoption:  It was good to learn about it all.  And while there were no surprises for me, I know there were for T.  He really didn’t know the half of it, and now has a better understanding.  It is not something he really wishes to pursue, but will do so if we find it is our one option.  The idea of our child being able to find out about his/her birthmom later on scares him, as does the idea of any kind of open adoption, however broad or narrow that might be.  But it was helpful to learn the lengths of time for things to happen, costs, laws, etcetera.

2. Korea: still T’s go-to for adoption.  He likes the anonymity of it all, as well as the improbability of a birth mother “backing out” at the final hour.  We haven’t met with anyone about this particular path yet, but it something we plan to do in the next few weeks, as we continue to explore.  I’m all for doing what he is most comfortable with, although I have let him know the timing for international varies greatly from a self-propelled private adoption.

3. Dr IVF:  Liked him.  A lot.  Will be pursuing treatment with him.  He went over my records in great detail both without us and with us, and was well informed at our meeting.  Do you know, that over time, we have transferred EIGHTEEN embryos, with three total implanting, with ONE total going to term?  Some odds.  He agrees that my embryos look very good, that I respond well to the meds (a high dose, true, but that my FSH does NOT seem to be hindering our progress overall).  He ran additional blood panels yesterday (seventeen vials for me, five for T–guess who was the one who almost passed out?  Ah, men…), and recommends I have another HSG after my next period.  My last saline ultrasound in April of 09 had demonstrated some irregularities on the top of the uterus, but my previous doctor didn’t think it was anything of significance, and said it was likely residual from the d&c…but this new Dr wants to make certain of that.  He also suggested we return slightly to the protocol I did years ago in California–the second of which I conceived P.  This would mean a day three over a day five transfer.  His reason: although we did have SOME luck with day fives…ultimately, the day three gave me my son.  His new protocol rec (providing the blood panels and hsg are normal, therefore eliminating the need for a hematologist or a surgery) includes estrogen priming with ganirelix, a decrease of the LH meds (menopur) and an increase of the FSH one ( Gonal F).  Back in CA I was on 450 Gonal F and 150 Menopur…here I was on 300 of each.  He wants to bring back the old mix.  Also, we will likely do the co-culture.  He doesn’t specifically recommend it, but he doesn’t NOT recommend it.  Apparently, this protocol is for people who have crappy looking embryos (which we don’t) or no embryos (which we don’t), but he doesn’t believe there will be ANY harm in doing it, and while he can’t say it will be helpful, he says “It couldn’t hurt.”  Also, no bcps.  Estrogen priming and right to stims after that.  Apparently, this path leaves little chance of an elevated FSH and a cancelled cycle even before it starts…which is a breath of fresh air for me.  I hate it when it’s over before it’s over.

So that’s that.

I feel like I should be all happy and hopeful right now–but I’m kind of apathetic (thanks for finding that word for me, J).  Of course I want to be hopeful, and in some way I must be, as I plan to go forward with this…but in other ways, I am just kind of bitter and…apathetic.  I was so so sad a few weeks ago, but still had hope for future tries.  For some reason, now, I don’t feel as hopeful.  Was I expecting a Magic Potion from Dr IVF?  No…not exactly.  Maybe a more clear-cut path…or better reasoning for trying new things (the “it worked this way before” reason doesn’t provide me much comfort…as it also DIDN’T work before).  But this Dr is everything my old one wasn’t…and for that I am grateful.  Perhaps as time moves on the hope will come back, as we get closer to a go-date…but right now, I guess I am so guarded against it.  I am trying to just enjoy my one true miracle (I ALWAYS ALWAYS hated it when people said that about P before…but now…I see the truth in it) every day that I can.  I am trying not to let others’ situations and babies and pregnancies alter my state of mind…and I am just continuing to move forward, one day at a time.

3 Comments | In: January 10 | | #

So.  Christmas has come and gone.  It was a wonderful Christmas with family, and certainly one to be thankful for.  However, the days preceeding Christmas as well as the days after were a bit hard on the heart.  I had a positive digital test the day before my beta, giving me some hope that something was going on in there.  But the next morning…no more hope after the beta results were in.  It was a roller-coaster to say the least.  But the failed cycle is now behind me, and I am trying my darndest to look toward the future.  I really don’t want to be coming on here to spout my newest feelings/revisit my past hurt/complain/be bitter, etc.  So I am planning to just update when there is relevant and “new” news to write about.  We have an appointment on the 11th, and I am afraid because in my head I have already created this new Dr as a combination of Santa, Mother Theresa and a Magician in all in one.  I am (unwisely) hoping that he has some awesome potion for us that will get the job done.  There was a time when I was CERTAIN I would once again be pregnant via IVF…and now I am not so certain.  Of course, I still have hope it will happen, otherwise we wouldn’t be dropping half a grand on a new consult.  But I worry.  Because all medical signs point to the fact that with the response that I have, the fert rates and the number they freeze after…I should be getting pregnant.  A failed, a double-miscarriage, a failed FET and another failure certainly doesn’t support what my embryos seem to show. Isn’t it true that after three failed cycles, your odds of success go drastically down?  Shhhhhhooot.

We also have an appt next week with an adoption attorney to begin the steps of pursuing a private adoption, instead of via an agency (yep.  another half-a-grand).  I know it will be a lot more work on our part, but perhaps the fruits of our labor will be seen earlier than if we went the agency route. 

There are a few friends I know that read this who are either a)currently quite pregnant b)about to be pregnant any day/month, and I don’t want those friends to feel awkward sharing their own news because they know of my situation.  So I’m going to keep my fingers away from the keyboard for a little while, in hopes of restoring some normalcy into my life.  Just restarted the wheatgrass regimen this morning, but will certainly continue to enjoy me some gluten. (Also: very good friend just told me yesterday she is pregnant.  Like three days pregnant.  And this came a day after she cried to me that she wasn’t…after three months of trying.  Yes, she has known the entire journey I have been on.  And while it probably wasn’t her favorite to tell me, I think I was expecting some sort of remorse for having used me as a counseling-cushion the day prior to her positive test.  And I was a damn good cushion!  But I know that the Real World doesn’t always work like we expect.  T and I have decided that the way for anyone to get pregnant is to come and get to know me and get close…it will likely guarantee a pregnancy for that person.  I’m not bitter about it, I swear, but sometimes, it seems so ridiculous it makes me want to laugh).

I’ll surely update about the meeting with the attorney next week, and of course, after the consult with Dr Miracle.  But until then…laying low is the way to go.  I’ve got to keep my life in perspective, and realize that even though my dreams are not coming true, that does not mean the fulfillment of the dreams of others will come to a screeching halt.  I’m certainly no Positive Polly, and I certainly still do hurt…but I will once again look for the hope that 2010 kicks the pants off of 2009, which was really not the swellest of years.  Until then…

2 Comments | In: December 09 | | #

I know it still seems too early…but I know that it’s not.  This cycle is most definitely over.  I will call my RE today and beg them to let me in on Monday for bloodwork–I know they won’t want to believe me (never do!) but I would love to be able to stop the shots and perhaps get my period before Christmas is here, rather than wait and have my beta on Wednesday. 

I feel as though I am at a “blogging crossroads.”  I know I haven’t been at this very long (five months) but it has been just the same crap day in, day out.  I do this mostly for myself (I am not one of the awesome “I have a million followers” bloggers–I have two or three real-life friends and a handful of blogging friends that read what I have to say regularly.  I’m not influencing any great piece of America out there, changing lives…) and since I started it for myself, and I am feeling trapped right now, I may have to let this go for a little while.  How many times can you write about Fertility Gone Wrong?  Honestly, by now, I figured I would be on the road to mommyhood once again.  My body, however has other plans.

I know I am blessed with the sweet son I have.  I know this for certain.  I know that this journey has made me love him and appreciate him in a way I never would have if I had come upon pregnancy in an easier, more traditional fashion.  And my next child–I can only imagine what that will be like.  My therapist said the other night (you know, when I still thought this would work) that once you have failed at IVF, you realize that it is not the Miracle Fix-All that even people who have to have IVF, but have it work the first time, see it to be.  For those, it is, well, we’ll just do IVF…with the assumption that it will always be that “easy” (note: clearly not as easy as the traditional method.)  And that’s where I fall–it’s clearly NOT “oh, I’ll just do IVF” for us. 

I will be seeking a second opinion with one of the (alleged?) top high-fsh/AMA (I am only the former, but the former makes me similar to the latter) at Cor.nell in early January.  I will be attending an adoption seminar two days later.  There is something out there in the future for me to look toward, I know it.  But right now, I am still mourning the fact that this seemingly-great cycle was not so great after all.  IVF cycles for first child: 2.  IVF cycles for second child: 4 and counting…

Merry (early) Christmas if I don’t make my way back on here next week–though I can’t imagine I don’t pop on to write about my good-byes to my current RE office…and thanks for always reading about me and caring about the outcome.  I’ll be back, I promise.  I just want to wait for the burn to leave my eyes, and the sadness to lessen in my heart.

3 Comments | In: December 09 | | #

It is three days past transfer.  And I know.  The discernable non-pregnant cramps arrived around 5am this morning.  If you had asked me yesterday, I would have told you yes, it worked.  I think it worked.  I am due for it to work, so it worked.  I played the game the best I could…how could it not work?  Today…a sadder version of my self writes this.  I Hate that I need to keep doing the shots through next Tuesday.  I Hate that my body shows the signs so early.  But I did everything I could this cycle.  And as T told me this morning as he held me and I tried hard not to cry…we will have another child one day.  It is not happening anywhere close to our timetable.  It may not even be our biological child.  But I will be a mom to another child.  That dream will come true, just not this time.

1 Comment | In: December 09 | | #