That is one of the valuable lessons I learned yesterday. I was feeling great trepidation about seeing one of my two pregnant sisters-in-law (sister-in-laws???) for Thanksgiving. Ok, I wasn’t nervous about SEEING her, I was nervous about seeing her PREGNANT. (I will admit that the combination of the good-fsh news from Wed, combined with the fact that she isn’t yet A Giant Belly worked in my favor). But once I got there, and we hugged, everything I was worried about went away. And it was just she and me again (odd grammar there, but I believe it is correct), and I was HAPPY for her. Happy that she is going to be a mommy. Happy that she was finally happy. Unlike many holidays past, I wasn’t wondering if she was watching me with P with wistful sadness or if seeing her nephew was bittersweet…because I know she is well on her way to her own sweet child. And I love that she and my favorite brother in law will both know the joy of being a parent. Am I jealous? Envious? Ummm…yes. You bet your ass I am. I would really really really like to be in her shoes right now. Really. Reallyreally. I have been given this next chance to try, and for that I am so thankful. I will give this cycle my all, because I have learned the hard way that the “next cycle” is not necessarily just a month away.
But yesterday wasn’t about me, I wasn’t sitting in the corner thinking “poor me.” I was sitting there, thinking, Wow. I am so happy for them. (ok, here comes a liiiiitle bit of me again…I desperately want to know that joy again. I want to wake up every day, touch my belly, and know I am growing a part of myself and my husband. I want to know that feeling). But for yesterday, for those few hours we were together, I was just Happy. Infertility can sometimes make it hard to see that it isn’t always about ME–and I am so glad that I was able to step out of that for a little while, and be happy for and with someone I love. Yet another Thanksgiving gift, I guess…
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i love you, sister. more than words can say.
November 29th, 2009
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