Table for one, please.

I had the need to write tonight.  A lot has been going on in life beyond infertility…but in the end, it all comes back to this, doesn’t it.  And after a short spat with T, I blurted out something that has been buried somewhere for a while, that apparently I’ve been hiding or covering up or ignoring…


I don’t think I am ever going to have another child.


I am afraid that adoption will not work out.  I am afraid that it will  fall apart at the crucial moment (and we’ve only just received the application).  I am afraid that the next fertility treatments will not work.  Actually, I am already feeling like they will fail.  Yet for some insane reason, I’m going for an HSG on Friday, and I’m on the waiting list for the coculture for this cycle.  Why all of this if I don’t have the faith?  Perhaps maybe I want to just get everything done–the next IVF cycles, the adoption paperwork and procedures, and when it all fails, I can know that I did what I could to have a family…and then I can take the time to mourn what will never be.  I have said over and over again that I KNOW for certain I will have more children…but the thing is, I don’t.  I am so afraid to get hopeful for another child, no matter the route, and that once I feel that hope again, it will be the same end-result we have been experiencing over the past few years.  

Suck ass place to be, if you ask me.  So.  You probably don’t want to pull up a chair.  It’s not a pretty night ’round these parts.

4 Comments, Comment or Ping

  1. Oh C, I know that pain. I am so sorry. It’s such an isolating sorrow. But please don’t give up yet, you’re last cycle held so much promise and so many options are still ahead of you. Friends of ours had a failed IVF and a year later were able to adopt a beautiful little girl. My cousins adopted 3 beautiful children (probably a larger handful than you’re up to, but after years of miscarriages they were up for and wanted an instant family.)

    Good luck with your HSG. Let me know how it goes. I’m up for one in a few weeks. (Yes, I think I’m in the denial part of grief right now.)

    I’m placing my chair beside yours so talk and fret and weep away.


    January 27th, 2010

  2. C, it is a suck as place to be, you’re right, but you know we have all so been there, left there and maybe approaching there again. A table for one is cool sometimes, but not for long. Look for my email soon. xoxxoxox

    January 28th, 2010

  3. HUGS to you! I have moments like these that come and go. I don’t know which is worse: feeling hopeful that it will happen and then being let down or or thinking you’re done and having to deal with that.

    January 30th, 2010

  4. Ginger71

    Hi fellow IVF vet. Thanks for reading my blog. :)
    Thought I would pay you a visit and see what you are all about. You’ve had your share of sorrow, also. I am in love with your blog name,BTW- so effing clever! We are probably going to be cycle buddies and I bet it is at the same clinic-maybe we can stay in touch. If you need some support, feel free to email me. :)
    All the best!

    February 2nd, 2010

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