A lot of things.

I know it still seems too early…but I know that it’s not.  This cycle is most definitely over.  I will call my RE today and beg them to let me in on Monday for bloodwork–I know they won’t want to believe me (never do!) but I would love to be able to stop the shots and perhaps get my period before Christmas is here, rather than wait and have my beta on Wednesday. 

I feel as though I am at a “blogging crossroads.”  I know I haven’t been at this very long (five months) but it has been just the same crap day in, day out.  I do this mostly for myself (I am not one of the awesome “I have a million followers” bloggers–I have two or three real-life friends and a handful of blogging friends that read what I have to say regularly.  I’m not influencing any great piece of America out there, changing lives…) and since I started it for myself, and I am feeling trapped right now, I may have to let this go for a little while.  How many times can you write about Fertility Gone Wrong?  Honestly, by now, I figured I would be on the road to mommyhood once again.  My body, however has other plans.


I know I am blessed with the sweet son I have.  I know this for certain.  I know that this journey has made me love him and appreciate him in a way I never would have if I had come upon pregnancy in an easier, more traditional fashion.  And my next child–I can only imagine what that will be like.  My therapist said the other night (you know, when I still thought this would work) that once you have failed at IVF, you realize that it is not the Miracle Fix-All that even people who have to have IVF, but have it work the first time, see it to be.  For those, it is, well, we’ll just do IVF…with the assumption that it will always be that “easy” (note: clearly not as easy as the traditional method.)  And that’s where I fall–it’s clearly NOT “oh, I’ll just do IVF” for us. 


I will be seeking a second opinion with one of the (alleged?) top high-fsh/AMA (I am only the former, but the former makes me similar to the latter) at Cor.nell in early January.  I will be attending an adoption seminar two days later.  There is something out there in the future for me to look toward, I know it.  But right now, I am still mourning the fact that this seemingly-great cycle was not so great after all.  IVF cycles for first child: 2.  IVF cycles for second child: 4 and counting…


Merry (early) Christmas if I don’t make my way back on here next week–though I can’t imagine I don’t pop on to write about my good-byes to my current RE office…and thanks for always reading about me and caring about the outcome.  I’ll be back, I promise.  I just want to wait for the burn to leave my eyes, and the sadness to lessen in my heart.

3 Comments, Comment or Ping

  1. I’m not agreeing that your “cycle is over”, but I do want to send you some hugs and let you know that whatever this cycle’s outcome may be I will be thinking of you and wishing you all the best. I have enjoyed reading and sharing your journey with you and appreciate your support as well. I’m not going to stay and “blow smoke up your arse”, but I will say that I am hoping it’s still too early for you and refuse to give up on ya. Take care girly and I’m looking forward to your future posts.

    December 18th, 2009

  2. I totally understand where you are at. I hope with all my heart that you are wrong about this cycle (but I do know that no one knows our bodies better than we do.)

    I, too, had to step away from blogging for awhile and focus on fun (have you discovered Etsy yet?!) and happy (my son of course) things. I hope that your break gives you a chance to recharge in a positive way and I’ll look forward to hopefully seeing some updates when you are ready to come back.

    Hugs and more!!!

    December 18th, 2009

  3. I hate being in that in-between of knowing but not knowing. I think when you do this enough times, you know your body enough to know when it worked and when it didn’t, and that knowing is really hard sometimes. Having this happen over Christmas sucks even more. Hold on to that wonderful son of yours during this difficult time. (((Hugs)))

    December 23rd, 2009

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