It has been an interesting past couple of days. I have some good news to post–J is pregnant! Congratulations are in order. It seems she was right after all–the universe would not be harsh to both sisters! We are so happy for them–their dream has come true. And in other news, it seems I had a chemical pregnancy. Slightly positive tests for days–and then the bleeding started yesterday. Honestly, I don’t count that as a pregnancy. Who knows, maybe I am STILL holding onto the hcg from a trillion days ago??? Dr doesn’t think that is likely though. I don’t even want to Google the actual definition of a chem preg or what the cause is–I just want the very low beta to fall a bit more so that I can start this cycle as scheduled. The doctor’s office seems to have hope that I will be able to go ahead as planned.
Needless to say, there are two families separated by a whole lot of miles going through something completely different right now. I couldn’t help but think that last night…how jealous I was of J’s state of mind while falling asleep, versus what mine was. That I was so happy they were feeling that joy–but I was so sad I wasn’t feeling that for myself. And then. I voiced this to my husband. Big mistake. Stupid, stupid me. Huge fight ensued. Of epic proportions. I wound up on the floor of my closet, sobbing, refolding the same clothes over and over again. I won’t write the things he said to me in his anger and frustration, but a) I woke up with eyes that looked they were slammed with a baseball bat (I swear, they weren’t) and b) I placed a call to a therapist this morning and will be trying out a new outlet for the pain of this journey. We have since reconciled (as best as a couple can who have completely different views on how to handle infertility, how to handle pain or sorrow, how to handle anger, and how to express emotion) but I know that we are not making ourselves any stronger as a couple by continuing to have these episodes. And now, I am more alone on this journey than before–so I will need some support (ok, paid support, but maybe that’s the best kind!) as I move forward.
So day one it is.
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