About a month ago, there was a span of time of three weeks or so that I thought I was 33. Alas, I am 32. When I had that revelation that I was actually younger than I had been thinking…what a nice surprise! Of course, none of this really means anything as far as the stockpile of eggs in my diminishing reserve…but it was nice to remember that I’m not completely ancient. I still have a small chance of being “with child” before I turn 33 next summer. And really, all I want is one more. Just one. Just one more little face to kiss and diapers to change and a little guy to watch grow from a newborn to…a not-so-newborn. I am sure if that dream ever comes true, I may still try again. But really, I know right now I could live a happy life with two children. Not the three of four I have always dreamed of before IF became a part of my life, but two. A brother for P. I’d even take a sister for him…even though I am terrified of the thought of raising a girl in this day and age.
Last week I decided to throw myself full force back into “trying again mode.” Which means pulling out all my old “fertility-relevant” books–and I even bought a few more. One I know I read back when I was trying to conceive my first, one about Chinese medicine and its role, and a new one that is supposed to be the “ultimate” when it comes to getting a woman in top-form to conceive in just three months. (sidebar: it gives a lot of information anyone who already knows they have two ovaries and a utes is already aware of…and I haven’t really read it cover to cover yet–but I hope it gives some new-ish insight for me). Because this is how I do things: I chuck myself full-force into absorbing all I can about infertility and reading others’ successes. I have even started shelling out four bucks a few days a week for fresh-squeezed wheatgrass, instead of defrosting the cubes in my freezer. I will say it tastes COMPLETELY different–so maybe my FSH will be nice and low-ish in ten days when I go for my baseline. I admit that I am not willing to go completely organic, or rid my life of some coffee and dairy and chocolate…but I think swigging some warm green goop is pretty good. One place offers a nice orange slice as a chaser–if I close my eyes, it’s just like a shot of tequila back in the dorms of college. (riggggghhhhht….)
Time will tell if my non-running/fresh wheatgrass chugging/excessive IF reading/DHEA supplementing will have any affect on this cycle. Pleaseohpleaseohplease…
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October 6th, 2009
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