Happy Valentine’s Day!  I have spent a good portion of the morning bursting into tears for no reason.  Ok, lie, there is a reason, obviously.  The period-coming-feeling has only intensified, not subsided like I had hoped it might in order to make way for some cramping.  I don’t cramp before my period, I get a heavy, pulling feeling in my uterus, my body gets kind of weak-feeling, and I get some slight nausea.  Every time I get my period, the above happens.  When I get pregnant, somewhere it turns into a sharper, pinching, tightening localized cramping…that is no where to be found right now…and I even lay perfectly still sometimes to see if that is happening anywhere.  Nope.  It’s not.  Not a twinge, a cramp, nothing.  It is just one of the strongest period-pulls I’ve had in a while. Probably because I had an insanely awesome lining (as usual) that my body can’t wait to shed.


Of course, that small part of me that is Eternally Hopeful, has compared notes from March ’10.  I called it as a BFN on 3dp.  I then wrote on 6dp about how devastated I was.  And then somewhere between the night of 6dp and 9dp, something changed, and my body wasn’t feeling the same way anymore.  But of course, I didn’t write down exactly what I was feeling that 6dp, so I can’t remember if I was still having super-intense period feelings, or if they had lessened, or what happened.  I kind of skipped that part.  I have even (embarrassing) gone so far as to make a day by day comparison chart, showing that tomorrow, which would be 6dp, I was then still feeling negative about it.  So I am somewhere in me trying to give my embryos one more day, even though it doesn’t feel possible at all.  Again, The Eternal Hopefulness, just a small small glimmer…


I know people are still telling me not to give up hope.  That it is way too early.  That I can’t possibly know.  And for a second I felt bad about coming here to whine about my sadness, my disappointment, my just utter utter…sadness.  But then I remembered that this is my blog, and I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t accurately record how I was feeling and what I was thinking.  So I am whining.  And feeling anger and sadness.  Also acknowledging how damn blessed I am to have T, P and A in my life…but yep, also just being sad about not having another.  Damn you infertility.  Damn you for stopping my family from growing before I am really ready for that.  But we can’t do another cycle without taking something away from our current family unit.  We just can’t.

One Comment, Comment or Ping

  1. Whatever the outcome… we’re here.

    February 16th, 2012

Reply to “5dp3dt”