No news is just no news

Clearly, I am not pregnant.  And I love the nurse for believing me when I talked to her the day before the beta, instead of scolding me for giving up hope or whatever.  I had a phone consult scheduled with Dr D for this past Friday, only to be later told he was in surgery all day and couldn’t commit to a time.  The time he COULD commit to turned out to be 1:15 on Sunday afternoon…the first time in 48 hours I let my phone out of my sight/range of hearing (it was Sunday, for crimenys sake!  seriously.  I was shopping).  So he left a message, just completely standard…sorry your fet didn’t work, you seem to have none left, if you want to go ahead with a fresh, call my nurse and my office and we’ll get you on the calendar, same exact protocol, call if you have questions…right.  Like I’ll get ahold of him.  It would be easier to reach Barack at 1600 PA Ave. 

Here’s my thing.  We go same protocol?  I’m two years older.  Getting up to that magic threshold of (shhhhh, 3-5).  Will same protocol be okay?  And no need to check out my utes, give it the all-clear?  And what about my slightly elevated tsh that nootherdoctorwouldthinkishighbutthisonethinksistoohighandneedstobecontrolledwithmedication?  I’m just so nervous.  Last chance at a fresh one (gulp).  I had told T earlier this year I was okay with that, I am and can be happy with my family the way it is right now, hell, two years ago I was convinced it was never going to be this.  A truly is my miracle baby.  But now that it is approaching…the door is going to be closed for good, and I am sad (I obviously talk like it won’t work.  See previous post about 20 embryos, 2 children, and understand my thoughts).  I understand that every family comes to a point where reproduction stops…but in more cases than not, the FAMILY decides to end the reproduction, the REPRODUCTION doesn’t end the family.  Big diff.

I also found out this week two good friends are expecting next summer.  One has a son that is two days older than A.  She is so damn fertile, it is mindblowing.  But I love her more than life, so I can never be anything but happy for her.  She is the type of person who DESERVES fertility, whatever that means (this of course implies I don’t?).  So while I am thrilled for her having #3, I am also slightly jealous (which I freely admit to her) because clearly, I want to be in the same position.  But I’m not.  And then I think about all of the amazing people I have met through my infertility journey and I think SHUT THE HELL UP C there are so many people out there still that don’t even have what you have.  So it’s a freaking back and forth in my head, all day long.  What is that they say?  The heart wants what the heart wants.

Sooooooo…to summarize my cycling future: I am on the co culture waitlist for January.  If I dont get in then, I get in February for sure.  If all goes well, I respond as expected to drugs, etc etc etc…best case I will be cycling end of January, next case I will be cycling end of February.  Two cycles timed as such have brought me my sons (and a third a double-miscarriage–but still a pregnancy).  Luckily, I have a few weeks off to just enjoy Christmas with the amazing family I have…and really, I can.  The place I am in now, compared to where I was two years ago… the difference is inconceivable.  No pun…intended.

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