Am I up for one more wild ride?

You bet.  P is four, A recently turned one.  I am ready to ride the infertility-coaster for another go (or few) at it, but there are some stipulations put in place by the husband (after all, he’s lived with my all sorts of crazy since we started trying to have a baby back in 2006…and even though Crazy C has hibernated for the past 15 or 16 months, she’s ready to come out for one final roar.)  So husband’s stipulations are as follows: 1. we are done trying by the end of 2012. 2. If we are going to do a fresh cycle at all, we do it in the beginning of the new year.

My feelings on the above are varied–while I am ready to put the Life of Fruitlessly Trying behind me, I am also so damn stubborn and determined that I think, “see, you didnt ever really quit when you were trying for number two.  Does number three deserve any less effort?”  But I also want to keep the peace and happiness we have now found, and I don’t want my family unit to suffer unnecessarily.  I am on board to go for a fresh cycle as soon as possible (just need to talk to dr, etc etc).  Of course, I need to wait a few days because I am at the end of a busted frozen cycle–two more transferred in and nothing of it.  Bringing the grand total to…twenty transferred, two children.  So, with my stellar math skills working overtime, it seems I am working at 10%.  Good grief, Charlie Brown, that sucks.  Can’t call the dr now because beta isn’t until Tuesday (no, I am not wrong and pregnant like I was last time.  I am not.  you’ll see).  Anyway, don’t want to be a total loon too early, so will talk to them on Tuesday when they call with my beta results and ask about getting fit in for coculture, finish up necessary bloodwork, etc etc.  (Oh, another wrench into the mix…elevated TSH.  So an effed up thyroid.  Have been on the meds for about six weeks now…we’ll see what it does.  Other than give me heart palpitations).  So maybe I can do a fresh in January/Feb, then clean out the freezers over the course of the year, and then, throw in the needle.  Man.  I was so hoping that the transfer of our two bestest frosted embryos would be the break of a lifetime, but no dice. 

Oh who am I kidding.  I am trying to keep in mind that I shouldn’t plan…we plan, God laughs, and all that.  Though I don’t really think he laughs, because that would be kind of mean.  And quite unGodlike.

So I will plan…and likely my plans will be upended.  But I want to try again.  I have some fight in me to try again.  I look at my great boys, how far I have come, this insane journey, and I think, yep, I would do that over again if I knew it would get me here.  So now, I will get back into my crazysuit and hold on for the duration.

 Back in the game.  But playing only for a limited time.

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