The Beginning of the End

That’s such a loaded title, I know, but it is kind of how I am feeling right now.  For the second year in a row I was able to act like any old fertile person on NYE–I was thankful for the family I have, thankful for the blessings of another year gone, and hopeful for the new year to come.  I did not find myself crying in the shower or in the car or while folding laundry about unanswered prayers, wasted months and dollars, and an empty, sad heart.  But, unlike all the other fertile people–I also knew that this next year will mark the end of my chance to have another child.  And being realistic, I know that this fresh cycle in Jan or Feb will be my last true chance.  I can’t just think, oh, well, we’ll try and see when we get pregnant, and whenever that happens again, that will be just perfect for us.  I have really only one shot.  I want to hit fertile people over the head with this “concept”–when you can’t get pregnant by taking an ovulation test and then biblically lying with your husband, it really sucks.  My body’s ability to ovulate perfectly every month is also a mindfcuk, since I see it, know it, lay biblically (why the hell not?) and stupidly hope one superstar egg somehow didn’t disintegrate down the tube and a miracle happens. (With more failed IVFs than successes you think I would not be so stupid.  But I am.  That stupid.)


Okay, well this wasn’t supposed to go in THAT direction.  I guess I have so many emotions, knowing I have Just One More Chance.  (yes, we will use all the frozen embryos we have.  no, I don’t have much hope they give me a baby.)  I am guessing that over these next few months it will be a messy messy place, both here and in my head, as I try to come to terms with my body making the choice to “finish” my family before I make the choice with my head or my heart…damn you again, infertility.  I know that on my deathbed I won’t look back and curse the 6-7 years of my life I struggled with this–but right now, I curse it.  I know in years down the road this will all be just another chapter in the story of my life, but since I am still writing said chapter currently, it seems like a pretty big freaking deal.


Aaaaaanyyyyway…today is Day One of my cycle…which means I left a gajillion messages at Cor.nell for the nurses, coculture “arranger”, HSG coordinator, etc.  I should hopefully receive a flurry of return calls tomorrow, and then find out sometime soon if I am going ahead with everything this month, or if I am stuck on the coculture waitlist and therefore bounced to next month.  Either way, the coincidences are too scary.  If I cycle this month, my beta week would be somewhere around where it was with P.  And if I cycle next month, it would be around where it was with A.  I hate coincidences, because I always try to read into them.


Happy 2012 to anyone who still comes over to read my story.  I truly hope this is a year of joy, gratitude, and happy endings for us all.

2 Comments, Comment or Ping

  1. Life truly is messy… and we are pattern-seeking creatures, looking for meaning in all the mess. Lifting a glass to happy endings (and beginnings) ahead.

    January 5th, 2012

  2. I’m trying not to think about it. We’re in the midst of a FET and I’m…just not thinking about this being the end. I hope and pray for a baby this cycle, I hope thaw is successful, I’m going on the assumption that it will be, ignoring the possibility that it won’t be.

    So I’m just not thinking about it.

    January 9th, 2012

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