Well, here we are. The final one. (Exaggeration–there will obviously be another one or two when we thaw some frozen embryos down the line to try those…but with history as a guide, this is the last wait with any chance of working.) So I have three eight-celled embryos somewhere in my uterus. Hopefully they’re still there… Transfer was Thursday afternoon (1.8 days ago. Who’s counting?). I have since been “resting” at a local hotel so I would not be inclined to pick up children, clean, pick up children, clean…and after thirty hours, I’m ready to go home and back to the craziness. Soon!
The doctor who did the transfer had me leery…he is young (funny I say this, he is a year older than my soontobeAMA self), and so I was worried–they say the placement during a transfer is SO important. I mentioned about an ultrasound guided transfer since they don’t normally do that, and he said “I don’t need it, but for you, I will do it.” (Should mention this was same doc who did the retrieval, and also the same one I saw multiple times up in the suburbs, and he let me blow up as many latex-glove balloons as little A yelled for in the exam room). So I got to watch the catheter go into the correct(ish) area, and that was that. I told him this was it–my last time. Last chance. I think I keep saying it out loud to remind myself of the finality of it.
And now I wait. I know that by the third day after the previous fresh cycle I was convinced that it didn’t work. I had the feelings of failure. I do know now that the difference between that cycle (ultimately working) and the other failed cycles where the same feeling did happen, is that the “feeling” did go away. In November, with the FET, the feeling did not. And I’m not talking about an abstract feeling here, I’m talking about a true, uterine-pulling-sort-of-heavy-feeling that accompanies the start of every cycle for me.
I’m nervous. But not sickly, crazy-ass nervous like I’ve been before. I’m just nervous about the finality of it all. A friend said to me this week…it’s going to be hard. This whole infertility business has been part of my life for so long. And she is right…we have been living this since 2006. Six years of infertility. Yes, we have had success in those six years. But it has become such a part of how I live/who I am, and now, if this doesn’t work, that is it. I will have to learn how to live without it as a “tag” that defines my everyday life.
I promised T I wouldn’t test until next Saturday morning, which puts us at 9 dp 3dt. I did get the green light to test out the trigger though, although I haven’t done any of that yet. And then when it turns white, I have to stop. I am such a pee addict, it will be hard. I plan to work my charm on him to let Friday be the first day…even though it is really early then still. We’ll see. I hope the days fly by until then…and I am interested to learn how I will react to the news…whichever the outcome.
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