I posted a brief update yesterday, along with some thoughts I had about moving forward in this pregnancy.  And then I lay (layed?  laid?) awake half the night in a panic over it all, because I was basically acknowledging I think this pregnancy is going forward…and that scared the crap out of me.  I began to panic that holy shit, if I do that, and on Monday they find something wrong, I have to un-acknowledge.  I would have come and deleted it overnight save for my ridiculous stomach pains (pregnancy induced?  e coli induced?  (yep–breakout in the region.  And I have had lettuce recently…) panic induced?)  So I delete it now, gone from the world, save for my mind.  And now I can’t forget it.  Stupid me–getting a bit comfortable and confident.  Why do I think this is going to be a good, safe thing?  What proof or reassurance do I have of this????

Now I can safely continue to obssess over what I think is a too-fast heartbeat for how far along I am (still banging out 175-180.  And I’m 12 weeks tomorrow.  Can’t be good, can it…), what they will find on Monday, how I will handle yet another appointment alone as our sitters are busy and T did not feel like asking his Dad to come help out for some reason…so I’ll be there alone.  Again.  And scared.  Argh…………

2 Comments, Comment or Ping

  1. It will be OK!!! One day at a time. I will be waiting to hear how it goes Monday. 12 weeks is a great marker. And you are nearly there. (((HUGS))). Just keep breathing.

    May 8th, 2010

  2. Breathe girl breathe. Everything will be ok, I feel it. I wish I could go with you…. thinking of you. xoxo

    May 9th, 2010

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