I posted a brief update yesterday, along with some thoughts I had about moving forward in this pregnancy. And then I lay (layed? laid?) awake half the night in a panic over it all, because I was basically acknowledging I think this pregnancy is going forward…and that scared the crap out of me. I began to panic that holy shit, if I do that, and on Monday they find something wrong, I have to un-acknowledge. I would have come and deleted it overnight save for my ridiculous stomach pains (pregnancy induced? e coli induced? (yep–breakout in the region. And I have had lettuce recently…) panic induced?) So I delete it now, gone from the world, save for my mind. And now I can’t forget it. Stupid me–getting a bit comfortable and confident. Why do I think this is going to be a good, safe thing? What proof or reassurance do I have of this????
Now I can safely continue to obssess over what I think is a too-fast heartbeat for how far along I am (still banging out 175-180. And I’m 12 weeks tomorrow. Can’t be good, can it…), what they will find on Monday, how I will handle yet another appointment alone as our sitters are busy and T did not feel like asking his Dad to come help out for some reason…so I’ll be there alone. Again. And scared. Argh…………
2 Comments, Comment or Ping
It will be OK!!! One day at a time. I will be waiting to hear how it goes Monday. 12 weeks is a great marker. And you are nearly there. (((HUGS))). Just keep breathing.
May 8th, 2010
Breathe girl breathe. Everything will be ok, I feel it. I wish I could go with you…. thinking of you. xoxo
May 9th, 2010
Reply to “Deleter.”