The Crazy Fear Has Set In (and…update…)

Apparently, a week and a half is all my body can sustain its peace and positivity for.  Right now, with the 10-week mark looming ahead on Sunday, I am a wreck.  My nausea has almost completely subsided, I don’t have any cramping, and (I know I know I KNOW) I bought a cheapish fetal doppler and can’t find the heartbeat down there. (I can, however, hear my own, hear my dinner from last night, and probably four nights ago as well…you see, I am on the smaller side, thus figuring I should be hearing the heartbeat by now–two people on the ama.zon reviews heard it by now….whine, whine whine…)


I anticipate the worst right now while also secretly hoping that by expecting the worst I will be redeemed and given good news… Come Tuesday, I have visions of walking into the dr’s office, saying, “I expect you to be giving me bad news.”  I also have had horrible horrible visions of going into the bathroom and things just gushing down.  I do not like this feeling–I need to find myself an OB to move into my spare room to give me peace of mind for the next four days.  Four days!  Sounds like nothing…sounds like everything.  T said, “So nothing has happened to make you think you lost the baby, save less symptoms, you just think that” (he does sort of understand, by the way, it just doesn’t come across that way in print).  I said “correct.”  The unspoken between us, of course, is that nothing happened the last time.  No cramps, no blood, nothing (just a loss of symptoms).  And then they were gone. 


How will I make it until then?  We planned to look at cars this weekend…I planned to get some things from for storage solutions (nesting?  or just irreverent spending?) but really, I just want to crawl into my bed, take some of the anesthesia they give you before the ER, and pass out until Tuesday, 1pm (appointment is at 2.  But I’d probably be a bit groggy right away…)


UPDATE:  Crazy C gave in to Calm C, and called the office this afternoon.  Of course, I called four minutes after P went down for his nap.  They told me they could see me in 45 minutes, but had nothing else today or tomorrow.  After some advice from the trusted M and J…decided to get the answers I needed and risk a cranky 2.5 year old (incidentally, today is his Half Birthday–ice cream cake and small gifts to come tonight…) and woke him, popped him in the car, and drove up to the office.  I waited for I don’t know, FIVE MINUTES?? in the busy waiting room, and then went on back.  Dr C couldn’t find the hb on the doppler after trying for about five seconds, then went to get the portable external ultrasound machine, and eureka!  Bean is still alive!  Heart was beating, little arms were waving around…I didn’t push my luck and ask for heartrate or measurements…after all, I am back there on Tuesday.  I did, however, hug my doctor.  A first for me–someone who has been to all kinds of medical professionals.

Completely worth the piece of mind.  And I really didn’t even feel that ridiculous–what a great doctor to make me feel like the sanest person alive.  Now P is napping for a mini-nap (I think…).  I promised that if all was ok with this, I would not go back to Tar.get and ask where the Eff were the three other items on my receipt that weren’t in any of my bags…Yep, a $12 bargain with the powers that be. 

2 Comments, Comment or Ping

  1. I have been waiting to find out how you are!!! Hang in there. You made it through the 2ww, and I know you can make it through 4 more days. You aren’t crazy. I promise.

    April 23rd, 2010

  2. i’m so glad you made that call and thrilled to hear bean is doing great. trust your gut and make that call whenever you think you need to – for the sanity of calm c. :)

    looking forward to hearing how tuesday goes! happy 10 weeks!

    April 25th, 2010

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