I was so nervous walking uptown to the office–there were about six times I had to sit for a sec because I thought I was going to pass out. But after about a two minute wait in the waiting area and then a three minute one in the exam room (I was still deciding whether to take off my clearly sweaty socks or leave them on when Dr came in…so they stayed on…), it was showtime. I had my eyes squeezed closed until he said “well, you can look at this, it looks like it should” so I opened them to see a gest. sac and the yolk sac in it. He then pointed out a smaller gest sac above it, and said it was measuring significantly smaller with no visible yolk sac and was likely a vanishing twin, but he would check it again next week.
It was all so clinical and practical–no congratulations, no real talk about it being a pregnancy, just kind of speaking in terms of it being another bridge to have crossed. I know that is what it is…which is why I am probably feeling just kind of…numb. I want to be happy–I have no more fears about it being in the wrong place, and clearly there was something there, right where it should be…so why am I waiting for the other freaking shoe to drop? Why is it so hard to just be hugging T and celebrating, instead of being frightened to death of celebrating and then seeing something less than ideal next Thursday? (I was given the choice of another appt next Thurs or the following Monday. I went with the former. Why force almost five more days of anxiety on myself? Better to get it over with…and then I can either celebrate or mourn for the three day holiday weekend). I hate that I look at it like that. I want to really really try to see things in a brighter way–I really really do. I am here, after all. There was a time just three weeks ago I thought I didn’t have a prayer of ever being in this spot again. Ever ever ever. But I am. So maybe I will try to work on that over the next seven days. Any advice to help the process along?
And. Today is 1 yr anniversary of D&C. Bittersweet kind of day, come to think of it. Hoping that it all just balances out, you know?
4 Comments, Comment or Ping
I too am hoping that this is all about balancing the scales. You deserve it. So YIIIIIPPPEEEEEE!!!!!! I’ve been thinking about you all day. I’m so happy!!!!! Enjoy this victory. Revel in it for at least a few uninterrupted moments. You prayed to get here and now you have. Yay!!! And in the days to come just try to remind yourself that anxiety will not change the outcome of anything. The wheels are already turning, the ride has started, you can only wait, as calmly as possible (ha! right?!) to see how it will all play out. Just know that you have a ton of people pulling for you!!
xoxox
-g
March 25th, 2010
Oh thats really great news. Despite MAYBE, just maybe, a vanishing twin, which you won’t know until Thursday all seems great. I don’t have any great advice. Here i am 8w6d today and still scared shitless. Waiting until the 31st to see if all is good. God Willing, for you and for me girl all will be good. Thinking of you and enjoy the weekend my friend. xoxoxox
March 25th, 2010
It is a lot to take in, isn’t it. There is the excitement of seeing two sacs, the sadness at knowing one probably won’t make it, the fear that something will happen to the other one. . . on top of all of the hormones. .. oy!
Hoping that next week brings you peace.
March 29th, 2010
Just want to let you know I found your blog while searching for “beta didn’t double/vanishing twin” on Google. I’m crying, because this has made me feel so much better. I had three embryos transferred two weeks ago, and my pregnancy test was positive on Tuesday with a beta of 253. It was my third IVF and first-ever positive (after lots of IUI’s and trying naturally, too). My second beta yesterday (48 hours later) was only 394. Obviously, I lost it when I heard that. It was like I woke up from my wonderful dream and was right back in the hell of the last two years. I, too, was supposed to wait til next Monday for my next beta, but I begged my doctor to let me come in earlier. I can only pray that my news is as reassuring as yours. Good luck withe everything and thanks for the hope!
Kelly
February 11th, 2011
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