So, it seems I am expecting a baby.

14w 1d today.  Second trimester arrived.  Had a short little appt, where they did blood pressure, weight, pee-check, and heartbeat-listen-to.  Heartbeat is a strong 168.  The dr seems to think I am a regular pregnant person.  Fool.  Inside, I am screaming something else.  Well, I go between that scream and the blissful daydreams of a crossover vehicle to purchase, thinking of boy names or using our bestest favest girl name.  And yes, I am still scared.  But not as scared as I was when I was in the earlier weeks.  Or when I was not pregnant.  Because every single infertile person knows they hit that point where the once possible is now seen as impossible.  Yet I am the annoying cliche that I always wanted to be–I had filled out all the adoption paperwork, wrote my 8 page autobiography, and had contacted references four days before my positive pregnancy test.  I will never ever tell anyone outside of this world that story, though–no need to add fuel to the ridiculous fire of “just adopt and you’ll get pregnant.”  There’s enough of that moronic advice swirling about out there already!

I am really beginning to think I am going to have a baby in November.  IF never ever ever goes away and losses and failures shape your future experiences for sure, but things DO get put on hold for a little once pregnancy sets in.  I mean, I no longer sit and cry about what if I NEVER get pregnant (of course, I sit and worry about losing this baby and then what…) but I would be lying if I said that I feel exactly the same as I did when I was not pregnant.

I still listen to the heartbeat every night.  I still protectively cover my abdomen, from what, I don’t know.  I still worry about telling people.  I am going to take it slow–and not reach out to share the news (Hey! Its me! I’m Pregnant!  I’m Thrilled! Its so unexPECted! gush gush, gush gush…).  Instead, as it comes up, I’ll share.  How amazing would it be if I found the nerve to FB that “after 18 solid months of medical intervention, 5 failed IVFs, one failed IUI, one turn in the ICU, two units of blood transfused, two losses….I am cautiously expecting.”  But I will never ever write that because 1)I don’t think FB is a place for uterine updates 2)once it is out there it can’t ever come back and who the hell would want to have to recant that statement ever, and 3)I may be an over-sharer, but not that much.  I think I’d rather people find out via my Christmas card, rather than a post on a friend/acquaintance networking site.   But just sometimes.  Sometimes I want the world to be aware of the struggles some of us go through.  And how freaking lucky I am right now to have made it this far.

5 Comments, Comment or Ping

  1. You ARE lucky!!! So I hope you are allowing yourself to celebrate a little. I know that after our struggles to get pregnant (and of course a million mis-diagnosis) we never allowed ourselves to enjoy our pregnancy. And I have to say I feel a pang of regret over that.

    After struggling with IF, I’m sure, you’ll never for one moment take this pregnancy for granted, but a little reveling in your good fortune should not be out of the question. (Trust me, even with my own struggles, there’s nothing like looking through peoples archives for the “fairytale” ending. Those successes are the things that keep a lot of us going.)


    May 24th, 2010

  2. Oh man girl how I can relate, so much so. I will be 18 weeks tomorrow and i still cover my belly protecting it from what- I too don’t know. This IF bitch is a bitch but you know what we have to relish the pregnancy feeling and just go with the flow that we are going to have fall babies. I will go to my doc on monday, each time I get nervous as hell. I need those appointments for confirmation that my baby is still there and growing but the worry feeling never goes away. I do try to file it in the back of mind though and let myself feel pregnant. Thinking of you and knowing exactly how you feel. I missed you girl. xoxo

    May 28th, 2010

  3. Julie

    I’ve been following your blog anonymously for months now, and I remember awhile back ago you said your husband saw Celine Dion at the same clinic as you. I thought I would share this story that I read on the front page of yahoo:

    I thought it was interesting, and that you’d like to know.
    I continue to root for you and your large lime. =)

    May 31st, 2010

  4. Ginger71

    Hi C! So glad things are progressing nicely :) You and Celine are due around the same time! I share your “Cycling with the stars” story with everyone who tells me about her. Hope all is well. Think of you often!
    xoxoxoxo G

    June 1st, 2010

  5. IF I ever get pregnant and get to see a heartbeat I plan to blast it all over facebook with all the deails about how long it took (although I do understand your reluctance). I have it all planned out in my head and maybe it will make those people who announce when they are like 2 days pregnant and “not trying” (how those people find out so soon is beyond me) think just a little bit about how we feel.

    June 1st, 2010

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