Left (You) Hanging…

But this cycle is drawing to a close…found out this afternoon that tonight will be the trigger shot, tomorrow back for pre-op at the clinic at 6:30am, and then ER sometime late Monday morning.  It has been an exhausting week and a half…11 nights of stim shots, 8 mornings of monitoring.  (My veins still look fab, though!) I’m not sure why they were all about the excessive monitoring this time around, although I DO know my E2 level climbed sloooooooowwwwwlllly.  So slowly, in fact, that there were a few days I was convinced this cycle was going to be cancelled.  Slowslowslow. I am undoubtedly at the end of my pretend-reproductive years.  Undoubtedly.  They never lowered my stims, and as of this morning, I had six measurable follicles.  After 11 days of stims my e2 was at 788…After 9 days of stims two years ago on the exact same protocol, I was well over 1000.  They retrieved 11 eggs two years ago.  This time around, I am really praying for a solid six.  Man, times have changed. 


I have also realized a few things. 

1) I am a nutcase-borderline-psycho on high doses of stims.  We were watching the L.ittle Mer.maid for the first time last night, and P asked if we would ever know an Ur.sula in real life.  T told him, only Mommy when she is on her tummy shots.  It was hilarious.  And (slightly) true. 


2)I can not do another fresh cycle.  I have a husband who works 13 hour days.  Two boys 4 and 1.  No (repeat, no) family within a 300 mile radius.  Sporadic sitting help.  Friends with lives–and no one true friend who is my “person” who would do anything for me (ie: watch the 1 year old six mornings in a row while I go to monitoring appts).  (If anyone knows of anyone else looking for their person in the tri-state area, let me know).  What this meant was, A had to come with me.  And I stressed about it.  Because years ago, I always resented the moms who brought babies to the RE.  But I beg you to believe me, I had no options.  Both babysitters were busy all week.  T was traveling.  So A came with me, and we hid in a conference room or walked around outside in the cold.  Because to me that was better than possibly making anyone else sad/angry/resentful–IF is so freaking hard enough.  I wish I still hadn’t had to bring him along, but it is what it is (was).  And it’s exhausting.  Don’t get me wrong–I am LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY to be on this side of infertility.  But getting three people out of the house in a 20 minute period, drop one off at school, then hit the highway for a 30 minute trip to the clinic each morning, hide in a conference room feeling guilty and embarrassed, drive home, all the while throwing food and odd toys at the toddler who is annoyed by the constant car time…it wears on you.


3) I am not expecting this cycle to work.  I am hoping that it will work, but I am not expecting it to.  I write this 75 minutes before my trigger shot (yes, I still worry I will ovulate on my own–are you SURE, nurse, that I don’t take the Ganireli.x again tonight as an extra-precaution?), and I know this is the best and last shot we have, and I don’t think it is going to work.  Again, have hope, trying to go with the odds here, and really, they have not been in my favor.


4) P is S-M-A-R-T.  Even though I have not told him outright, P said tonight that I am “taking these shots to try to have a baby.”  Yep, thats right.  “I only want anudder brudder though, not a sister.”  I told him that we are going to try, but if it doesn’t work, then it will be Me, You, Daddy, and A, and that is a pretty great family right there.  His response? “Just trwy.  Trwy your BEST.”  You got it, bud.

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