36+ Weeks…

I was feeling really ready the other day–ready to get the show on the road.  But now…not so ready.  P has been in the throes of the end of the twos/start of the threes (happy belated bday, little man) and his behavior has caused me to worry about what the heck it’s going to be like when he’s throwing himself around a room in a tantrum as a tiny little guy squirms and cries in my arms…(also, have not yet found The Name for the next installation.  P has offered a number of interesting suggestions along the way, and at random times will offer such gems as “blueberry” “fireman s.am”"mommy”and any name of any person we have recently learned.)  I remember being like this with P, though–wanting to not be pregnant anymore just to have my own self to myself, but then also not wanting to have this little being leave me…and of course, I was scared about the things to come.  I am also struggling with the whole “how can I ever feel about my second the way I feel about my first” syndrome…P was our miracle baby.  The apple of our eye.  The king of the house.  The greatest joy ever.  Now he’ll have to move over to share the throne…and it ain’t going to be easy for anyone, I’m sure.  I feel weird feeling this way since the effort and time and pain endured to become and remain pregnant this time far surpassed the time for P…but now it all feels different somehow.  I don’t know how to describe it.

Other musings: 

1. the other day we were singing “somew.here over the rai.nbow” in a music class…and yep, of course, I started to cry (the week prior we sang “lea.ving on a jet pl.ane” and I cried then too).  But I thought about how I am now on the side of the rainbow where everything is good and right and happy…though I never did think I’d be here again.  And I realized with such fierceness that everyone who ever wants to have a child should get to find this side of the rainbow.  Should never have to feel that they’ll never make it there.  Because the fact is, it is the complete opposite feeling of what you feel when you are in the depths of dispair, certain you will never be a mom.  It is entering a completely different realm, in a way…you always know where you’ve come from, but the amazingness of being pregnant and on your way to your dream is so incredible, and it is heartbreaking that not everyone gets to experience it. 

2.  Baby has dropped into the pelvic area (engaged, if you will), I am 1-2 cm dilated, but not much effacing going on.  I think it’s all about right where it should be for being 36 weeks and 2/3 days.  I am still hoping for a 39-40 week pregnancy (who wants their turkey in a hospital, no matter HOW swanky said hospital is?)

3. Giulia.na and Bill is the best show to hit the airways that deals with IF.  I cried the first episode when they found out they were pregnant.  I cried at the previews for what is to come.  In one clip G says “I feel like I am being punished for something…” and holy crap, did that hit home.  That’s exactly how I felt.  I felt I was being punished for who I was, something I had done maybe.  I wish only that more people knew of/tuned in to the show…because I can only assume it would help so many who are unfamiliar with this situation, as they watch strangers go through it all on camera.  From the procedures, the waiting, the joy, the incredible pain…and that’s only what G and B let the viewers see…

4. Seriously.  What am I going to name this little boy?  We have approximately three weeks to figure it out…and I don’t believe in the “we’ll know when we see him” stuff–he will look (hopefully) like a red-faced, naked, puffy eyed little boy.  Certainly I won’t be able to discern his true name from that????

One Comment, Comment or Ping

  1. is he here yet?! thinking of you!

    November 20th, 2010

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