We All Have It “The Worst”…Until We Don’t

That’s what I think, anyway.  Especially when it comes to infertility.  Sometimes there is a weird need to one-up others.  You know what I mean.  Oh, you are on clomid?  I’m on injectibles.  You’re on your second IVF?  I’m on my fourth.  You’ve never had a miscarriage?  I’ve had two.  It’s not really that we are mean-spirited towards others in the same boat, just that What We Are Going Through Is Worse Than Anyone Else’s Plight.  I have certainly fit that bill many times.  I think part of it is just human nature.  We only know the hurt we’re feeling ourselves–we only know our own disappointment, frustration, sadness…and we don’t think anyone else feels that way, unless they have done exactly what we have.  So how could IUI #2 for one compare to failed IVF #4 for me?  How could someone doing timed intercourse compare to someone doing an IUI with injectibles?


And then.  And then you read about someone who is so much deeper into this than you could ever imagine being.  Someone who has miscarried every time she has become pregnant.  Someone who has done five or six or seven IVFs with no pregnancy at all.  Someone whose baby died in the 25th week of pregnancy.  Someone who lost his spouse in childbirth.  Stories such as these give me a perspective I desperately need at times.  There are days when I can put on my brave face and smile at the pregnant lady on the corner (Twin girls.  Due two weeks before my boys were due).  But there are days when I just want to cower in the corner and hug my little boy and think about how I may never get to raise another biological child.  But this is life.  This is my life.  And it’s never going to get easier if I constantly think bitter thoughts in my head about the Luck(ier) Ones.   Or if I compare my story to the stories of other infertilebutnotASinfertile people.  That is not a healthy way to live a life.  Instead, I need to realize that there are so many people out there who are so much stronger than I am.  That I have NOT always been handed the short end of the stick.  That comparing my life to Fertile Lives is not ever going to produce a happy outcome. 


I may not have the life I always dreamed I would have I always thought I would marry a professional baseball player.  And live in New England.  And be a lawyer.  And have three kids.  And a dog.  Okay.  So those were junior-high dreams.  And so far, I’m 0-for-5.  But dreams can change.   Granted, there are certainly many things I would change right this minute if I could.  But we’re not given the power to change the unchangeable.  We ARE, however, given the power to change the way we VIEW the unchangeable.  I write this today in the hopes that in a few weeks, when I am all hopped up on drugs again, or, heaven forbid, the weeks after, if I find out this IVF cycle was another failure, that I will be able to look back on these words and embrace the idea of this post.  I don’t have it the worst.  I am so blessed and grateful.  And I will make it. 


I admit now though…I may need some gentle (and perhaps notsogentle!) reminders of this in the weeks to come…

2 Comments, Comment or Ping

  1. Blueoctober fan

    I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog (discovered it from the TTTC msg. board). I’m gearing up for IVF#2 in just a few months. It is such a difficult process. I’ve felt so many of the same things that you described in this post. It’s so easy to compare your situation to others & have those feelings of self-pity. I know that I’ve been richly blessed, so instead of focusing on this one struggle, I’m trying to remember to give thanks for all of the good in my life. Thanks for helping to put things in perspective. Best of luck to you in your upcoming IVF cycle!

    August 25th, 2009

  2. Steph

    I am so glad you posted this. I have had the same thoughts on my mind. Everyone has their own “cross to bear”, so to speak. It is so hard to walk in other’s shoes. But just know that people are empathetic, even if they don’t know the exact pain. My BAD is my bad, that is all I can truely understand, it doesn’t mean that I am not allowed to be sad for my bad because your bad is worse…
    that is a mouthful. :)
    Thanks for letting others into your personal struggle.

    August 26th, 2009

Reply to “We All Have It “The Worst”…Until We Don’t”