And away we go…

I have a son.  That may turn a lot of you away, so I thought I’d get it out there.  He turns two this fall. You’re welcome to stop reading now, if you’d like.  You may not care about the story of a girl who has already started her family.  Because maybe you still haven’t, and you think I don’t know what that’s like anymore.  Afterall, what can possibly be so noteworthy, so interesting, so tragic about my life?  Nothing really.  My life is rich and blessed and special.  But you know, it sure as hell isn’t perfect.


It seems you’re still reading.  That means you’ve decided to give me a chance.  I’ll give a recent-ish update to my life, and then you can still decide if I have anything to say that’s worth reading about.


My son was born via my (our) second IVF attempt, back in 2007.  I love him to pieces.  I am thankful every single day for him.  Every. day.  My husband and I have been trying for a second child since P was about 6 months old, and we are about to embark on our third IVF cycle for this next little one (fifth, if you count the one before P, and the one FOR P).  And seventh, if you count a failed FET and a cancelled FET.  We did have a success story this past winter–after a quick little 60 hour jaunt to the ICU after a retrievalgonewrong, we found out I was pregnant.  Two weeks later we were stunned and then overjoyed to see TWO heartbeats.  Twins.  Fear.  Joy.  Excitement.  A bigger car.  A triple stroller.  And then at the 10 week appointment, they were both dead.  Two little boys whose hearts I will never really know.


So if you think maybe I don’t have a credible story here–because I don’t fit in with those who are still yearning for their first but I really don’t fit with those who are starting to try for a second, because I already HAVE my sweet baby, because I already know the love for a child, the love a child has for me…well, maybe you’re right.  But then again, maybe not.


I hope to use this blog as a means of survival for this next IVF cycle.  I want it to be just honest and real and raw and a crutch for me when the times get tough again.  Because I have no doubt they will.  So I start this blog a little selfishly, but also I hope that somewhere, someone will benefit from where I have been and what I still continue to do.  It’s hard to start my story right here in the middle of my journey, but it also seems wrong to go back and focus on the struggles I’ve left behind.   Because I really haven’t left them behind–they have shaped me into the person I am right at this second unshowered, laundry waiting to be folded, listening to P waking up from a nap. So thank you, Husband, for this invaluable 5th Anniversary present.  More special than jewels or wine or a fancy dinner–your heart wanted to give me this gift of a blog.  And I hope to do you proud by it.

5 Comments, Comment or Ping

  1. I have a son too. And I’m also trying to a 2nd. (And a little lost as to where I fit in.) We can be greedy and selfish together. ;)

    My heart breaks thinking about the loss of your twins. I’m so, so sorry. I truly hope this next cycle is the charm!

    * here from LFCA

    August 21st, 2009

  2. I’m here from LFCA. I just wanted to let you know that I’m in a similiar boat. I have a two year old from my second IVF and will be going back to IVF this winter to hopefully give her a sibling. Secondary IF after primary IF is a rough road and a unique one at that.

    I hope your journey through it is short and sweet!

    August 21st, 2009

  3. I found you via LFCA (Stirrup Queens blog). I clicked over to your blog because the name made me giggle, and then saw you are a fellow SIF’er. I have a son as well, and have been in infertility hell for almost 5 years now. Five pregnancies, five miscarriages. IUI/IVF/DE. Nothing has worked for me thus far.

    I know what it feels like to not exactly fit in. Having a child, and still going to the ends of the earth to have another… while so many of our infertile friends are trying for just one. It does not make our journey less important. In fact, it makes it even more twisted.

    Good luck to you this cycle! I’ll be following you and wishing you lots of luck along the way.

    August 21st, 2009

  4. so sorry for your losses. how terribly heartbreaking. And wtf is up with that huge bill for meds????????? seriously, that sucks!!

    hope you are having a better day today.

    August 21st, 2009

  5. Glad you commented on my blog so I could read another experience of secondary IF. I’m going to sit down and read all your old posts and catch up to the present.

    So sorry to hear about your losses. So heartbreaking :( I can’t believe all that you’ve been through. Glad you’re still hanging in there!

    October 2nd, 2009

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