And away we go…

I have a son.  That may turn a lot of you away, so I thought I’d get it out there.  He turns two this fall. You’re welcome to stop reading now, if you’d like.  You may not care about the story of a girl who has already started her family.  Because maybe you still haven’t, and you think I don’t know what that’s like anymore.  Afterall, what can possibly be so noteworthy, so interesting, so tragic about my life?  Nothing really.  My life is rich and blessed and special.  But you know, it sure as hell isn’t perfect.


It seems you’re still reading.  That means you’ve decided to give me a chance.  I’ll give a recent-ish update to my life, and then you can still decide if I have anything to say that’s worth reading about.


My son was born via my (our) second IVF attempt, back in 2007.  I love him to pieces.  I am thankful every single day for him.  Every. day.  My husband and I have been trying for a second child since P was about 6 months old, and we are about to embark on our third IVF cycle for this next little one (fifth, if you count the one before P, and the one FOR P).  And seventh, if you count a failed FET and a cancelled FET.  We did have a success story this past winter–after a quick little 60 hour jaunt to the ICU after a retrievalgonewrong, we found out I was pregnant.  Two weeks later we were stunned and then overjoyed to see TWO heartbeats.  Twins.  Fear.  Joy.  Excitement.  A bigger car.  A triple stroller.  And then at the 10 week appointment, they were both dead.  Two little boys whose hearts I will never really know.


So if you think maybe I don’t have a credible story here–because I don’t fit in with those who are still yearning for their first but I really don’t fit with those who are starting to try for a second, because I already HAVE my sweet baby, because I already know the love for a child, the love a child has for me…well, maybe you’re right.  But then again, maybe not.


I hope to use this blog as a means of survival for this next IVF cycle.  I want it to be just honest and real and raw and a crutch for me when the times get tough again.  Because I have no doubt they will.  So I start this blog a little selfishly, but also I hope that somewhere, someone will benefit from where I have been and what I still continue to do.  It’s hard to start my story right here in the middle of my journey, but it also seems wrong to go back and focus on the struggles I’ve left behind.   Because I really haven’t left them behind–they have shaped me into the person I am right at this second unshowered, laundry waiting to be folded, listening to P waking up from a nap. So thank you, Husband, for this invaluable 5th Anniversary present.  More special than jewels or wine or a fancy dinner–your heart wanted to give me this gift of a blog.  And I hope to do you proud by it.