Started injections last night. For any fertility-drug-junkies out there, I am on 300 iu of Gonal F, 4 vials of Menopur, and will add the Ganirelix in about a week’s time. Ah, the joys of elevated FSH. Ultrasound was clear yesterday morning (which left me in great disbelief, as I was certain there would be a little friendly cyst hanging on), but bloods were kind of crappy. E2 was 52, frigging FSH was 13.something. Crapitty crap crap. The last few cycles I’ve had a nice low FSH after the pill and before starting stims…I think it was in the mid-sevens for the last fresh cycle, back in January. And I have been swigging wheatgrass like it is my job these days. Every single night for the past five weeks or so. I imagine the number is not horrid, or they would have cancelled me and put me back on the pill…but even still, it can’t be all that good.
Anyone who is a veteran cycler, knows that the first night of shots is always the most nerve wracking, as it seems you may not have gotten all the liquid up from the vial, or you puncture the stomach skin but don’t push it all the way in and wind up with a few bleedling dots until you get the guts to jam it in….or some leaks out after you withdraw the needle and you get nervous…but I now know that is just First Day Jitters, much like every “first day” was in my teaching years. After all, if the meds had to be precise and exact they wouldnt let me, (someone who isnt even certified in CPR for crying out loud), mix and give the shots to myself whilst seated in my dining room.
I’ll be heading back to the RE either Sunday or Monday just for bloods, and then will head in two days after that for ultrasound and blood. I am usually a slow-and-steady grower, so I guess if the past is any indication, I’ll be stimming for 10 to 11 days. I actually prefer the stomach shots to the PIO ones…mainly because my h gives me the latter, and I don’t know the exactmoment when the needle will be jammed into my posterior. Not a fun kind of suspense. Also, a lot of the time he hits a nerve. Yow.
So will this be our winning cycle? I am trying to play it cool in real life (heck, even on here) that I’m used to failure, if it doesnt happen, it will be okay, as long as my sister in law has success, that is all that matters…but in reality, I know it will hurt. Maybe not like it did the very first failure, when I couldnt even see doing it again or what lay ahead, and certainly not the same hurt that came that Wednesday afternoon in late March, or even the failed FET this summer. It will hurt, I will cry, and after a little while (ok, four months, as we have to wait for the new year) I will dust myself off and try again.
WAIT! What am I DOING????? What is with all this negativity? Must be positive, positive positive. That should be my mindset, my mantra. I should be making sitcky-notes and posting them all over, reminding myself of the power of positivity. I know I need to stay focused and take this day by day, shot by shot. Here’s the thing, though: I also know that if I let my mind stay completely positive…well, I’ve been down that way before. A few times. And I know it hurts even more afterwards than it would if I were simply scientific and realistic about it all. So I ask, what’s an infertile girl to do?
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