I.V.Effed: No Sex, No Lies, and No Videotape

So.  Christmas has come and gone.  It was a wonderful Christmas with family, and certainly one to be thankful for.  However, the days preceeding Christmas as well as the days after were a bit hard on the heart.  I had a positive digital test the day before my beta, giving me some hope that something was going on in there.  But the next morning…no more hope after the beta results were in.  It was a roller-coaster to say the least.  But the failed cycle is now behind me, and I am trying my darndest to look toward the future.  I really don’t want to be coming on here to spout my newest feelings/revisit my past hurt/complain/be bitter, etc.  So I am planning to just update when there is relevant and “new” news to write about.  We have an appointment on the 11th, and I am afraid because in my head I have already created this new Dr as a combination of Santa, Mother Theresa and a Magician in all in one.  I am (unwisely) hoping that he has some awesome potion for us that will get the job done.  There was a time when I was CERTAIN I would once again be pregnant via IVF…and now I am not so certain.  Of course, I still have hope it will happen, otherwise we wouldn’t be dropping half a grand on a new consult.  But I worry.  Because all medical signs point to the fact that with the response that I have, the fert rates and the number they freeze after…I should be getting pregnant.  A failed, a double-miscarriage, a failed FET and another failure certainly doesn’t support what my embryos seem to show. Isn’t it true that after three failed cycles, your odds of success go drastically down?  Shhhhhhooot.

We also have an appt next week with an adoption attorney to begin the steps of pursuing a private adoption, instead of via an agency (yep.  another half-a-grand).  I know it will be a lot more work on our part, but perhaps the fruits of our labor will be seen earlier than if we went the agency route. 

There are a few friends I know that read this who are either a)currently quite pregnant b)about to be pregnant any day/month, and I don’t want those friends to feel awkward sharing their own news because they know of my situation.  So I’m going to keep my fingers away from the keyboard for a little while, in hopes of restoring some normalcy into my life.  Just restarted the wheatgrass regimen this morning, but will certainly continue to enjoy me some gluten. (Also: very good friend just told me yesterday she is pregnant.  Like three days pregnant.  And this came a day after she cried to me that she wasn’t…after three months of trying.  Yes, she has known the entire journey I have been on.  And while it probably wasn’t her favorite to tell me, I think I was expecting some sort of remorse for having used me as a counseling-cushion the day prior to her positive test.  And I was a damn good cushion!  But I know that the Real World doesn’t always work like we expect.  T and I have decided that the way for anyone to get pregnant is to come and get to know me and get close…it will likely guarantee a pregnancy for that person.  I’m not bitter about it, I swear, but sometimes, it seems so ridiculous it makes me want to laugh).

I’ll surely update about the meeting with the attorney next week, and of course, after the consult with Dr Miracle.  But until then…laying low is the way to go.  I’ve got to keep my life in perspective, and realize that even though my dreams are not coming true, that does not mean the fulfillment of the dreams of others will come to a screeching halt.  I’m certainly no Positive Polly, and I certainly still do hurt…but I will once again look for the hope that 2010 kicks the pants off of 2009, which was really not the swellest of years.  Until then…

In: December 09 | | #