Beta Drops, So Does My Heart…

Dramatic, I know.  But sometimes it hits me like a FRIGGIN TON OF BRICKS that I had an almost-pregnancy, that I have ONE MORE CHANCE TO USE MY OWN GENETIC MATERIAL and possibly only ONE MORE CHANCE TO BE A NEW MOM AGAIN.


This weekend it hit me like two friggin tons of bricks.  I had a new nephew born, and while I love love loved seeing all the new baby pictures of my brother’s son, I was saddened somewhere deep inside, knowing I may not ever know that again.  And by may, I mean probably.  I then also was going through things for a garage sale (we may or may not be making a North-to-South move in the next year) and I was crushed by a sea of baby things–things I bought for/registered for when I was pregnant with P, saved through the dark times trying for A…and now I may be getting rid of it all?  Oh sigh.  And cry.  And be so fcuking pissed sometimes that PEOPLE CAN HAVE SEX AND GET PREGNANT.  Okay, I am not pissed they can get pregnant.  Rah rah, happy for ‘em.  But why the FRICK can’t I??  That’s more the thing.  I don’t begrudge those who CAN–I begrudge my own disability to CAN-NOT.




(BUT, beta was down to 26 last week, so hoping to get a lower number this week, reach zero, get a period in a week or so, and then BAM! bang out my last FET.  Summer fun, let it roll….)


One Comment, Comment or Ping

  1. I can’t imagine how heart wrenching it must be to not only see the birth of your nephew, but also go through your baby things so soon after your loss.
    I can certainly relate to the loss, though I haven’t been through the IVF struggles that you’ve dealt with. I’ve had similar thoughts along the lines of “why can all these teen mothers and crack whores carry their babies to term, and I keep having miscarriages?”.
    I’m hoping for you that the little frozen embie is your lucky break, and I hope that it gets a little easier as time goes on.

    June 6th, 2012

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