Right now, I am the happy little pregnant person that I love to hate while undergoing failed cycle after failed cycle.  I look pregnant.  I feel happy and right and good.  I am even so stupid as to sometimes forget about the possibility of something going wrong in the next 20 weeks–and already, I am mulling over names with T.  I waver still between wanting to be so happy and live life like it is meant to be lived–and the caution that I want to throw to the wind, but remember that maybe I shouldn’t.

I also happily accepted a new role as Godmom the other week.  I’ve never been anything so special to anyone before–and though sometimes it doesn’t mean anything, to me it means a lot.  My godmother played a huge and important role in my life growing up, and still does.  I sometimes smile for no reason lately.  (also, sometimes I cry and get angry and sad for no reason–but that was always the norm.  the extra bit of happiness that comes around these days is definitely new).

I sit and think about last year this time (failed FET), last August, last September, last December….and right now, it looks like the months won’t be the same this year as they were last year (fail, cancel, fail).  I just think about how it is so damn GOOD and was once so damn BAD.  Really, I am hateable.  Well, except for those who live with me or interact with me regularly.  For them, they are probably so relieved I’m no longer Angry Bitter C.  I have it all right now.  A great husband, good friends and family, a wonderful little son, a son on the way…I.have.it.all.  Dammit that I didn’t come here the way I wanted to–and it may not stay this way–but for right now, for this very little fleeting moment in time, I have it all.

I still don’t know where to take this blog from here–it isnt the appropriate place to chat about pregnancy (and really, I don’t chat about it.  Well, there are two friends who are also currently pregnant and I talk to them about stuff.  Otherwise, I’m pretty mute about it all).  But it is another hundred bucks or so to keep this site for next year….and then what?  I know that if we have a healthy baby we will surely be doing this again….we have enough embryos on ice to play a five-on-five basketball game.  And I know by now that it would be work to do it again–taxing and anger-inducing and blah blah blah.  So maybe if we do ever get there, I’d need this again.  Because truly, this has been my lifeline for the past 11 months.  I would not have made it through the darkest points without it, and those who read and reach out.  I just don’t know.  I have another five weeks until renewal date for my domain–so I guess I’ll wait and see.